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Alston is a fabulous town in the middle of nowhere. It contains chavs, sheep, and the occasional, errmmmm, thing.

Not to be confused with Alton Towers, Chessington World of Adventures, Disneyland Paris or Blackpool Pleasure Beach, it is kind of small and full of underaged binge drinking.

Its only claim to fame is being a place with few women, mainly because the men are all mingers (except Adam Walton) so the women all move away to Nenthead where they can at least roast a cat for lunch if they get hungry.

Geographical Location[edit]

(Yes those are big words) Alston is quite far up England, pretty much in Scotland if we're honest. Except it's not, it's in England. Most Brits have never heard of it, and may need prompting with "Have you seen Oliver Twist?", which fails to impress anyone, but it's the only thing worth trying. There are lots of hills (home to the sheep) and fields (home to the sheep) and a few houses (probably home to the sheep too).

…And education[edit]

There is a primary school and a secondary school. They are both ickle. The primary school teaches little kiddies and SKS is where the "Big Kids" go. (Read: the kids older than the little kiddies)

Sometimes, stuff gets learnt.


Alston is home to the famous Morsman, who is not really a Cockney contrary to popular belief.

Also inhabiting Alston are:



The home of football. Some of the greatest matches ever have taken place on fairhill. Rivalries are made and fights are fought. Sadly the pitch has been getting vandilised by some hooligans who do not love the beautiful game. Now fairhill is not home to as many matches as it use to be. But it still gets regular usage from the fairhill ultras. Chris Woods’s international goalkeeper once played on the famous "turf" of fairhill. He was the master of the "goofy" save and was also the best in the world at saving the ball with his face. He was a very funny player and he use to get the crowd and players going with some of his famous antics. He will be sadly missed as he has given up his football career to follow his pursuit of showbiz. But we can still remember about who he use to shoot. He used his trademark "shovel" technique, which sadly never worked, but it gave everyone else a good laugh. Shooting was never this lad’s strong point but he had a good heart and a "never say die" attitude, which meant in the end he prevailed. Fairhill has had many funny moments over the years and has also seen many amazing goals. Like when Jason Brown defied physics and managed to score a goal, which had hit the crossbar and post 4 times, he then celebrated his goal with his trademark celebration of running around the pitch 20 times while everyone else played on without him. Like Chris Wood’s International goalkeeper, Pearson was another Fairhill legend. He had a very interesting kicking technique, which was similar to the Wood’s. His technique is commonly known as the “neb” or “toe punt”, he would get enormous amounts of power behind his shots but his accuracy levels were lower than Peter Beardsley’s chances of scoring in a brothel. The “great one” use to show up to matches on his quad! Which when he was not looking people tried to push away this resulted in Pearson becoming very angry and he would chin people. The downside of Pearson was that everyone tried to take him down but no one could take the consequences. Pearson would become very aggressive and he would either take people out or charge them into the thorn bushes. Him and Jason Brown use to have a big rivalry and they still hate each other to this day.