Alucard

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“Alucard is Dracula spelled backwards.”

~ Captain Obvious on Alucard

“He's a vampire on a genocide against vampires?! It makes no sense!”

~ Adolf Hitler on Alucard

“Genocide is always a fun game when its with vampires!”

~ Alucard on the above quote

Alucard is the main pimp of the Hellsing and Castlevania franchises, and brother of the also well-known (in Romania), Alupigus. And he's probably the strongest vampire eva, regardless of Dracula's feeble protests. Being invincible in every meaning of the word, he continues to be a shining role model for victorian vampire seducers worldwide.

Alucard, in his "work clothes".

Biography[edit]

Origins[edit]

No one really knows where, how, or when Alucard became to be. But there have been many theories. Some say he was a Stephen King novel, brought to life by Bruce Campbell reading it. Others claim he is the manifestation of a wet dream Oscar Wilde had. The weirdest one is where he was Vlad the impaler getting ass raped by Turks, but that's just silly.

His first public appearance is widely regarded to be in a McDonalds commercial from 1680. But some argue that it was misdated, and actually made in 0891. Stupid Jeff, always getting papers upside down.

Rise and Fall[edit]

The McDonalds commercial that was Alucard's first appearance.

During the Rent-a-sauce period, Alucard became involved in politics with Greenland, Trannyslvania, and other European countries that America doesn't care about. His most notable move at this time was his election to senate in the country Castlevania. As a senator, he had supported many acts that helped limit vampire genocide, which had run rampant all throughout Eastern Europe. Naturally, this had angered all 50,000 members of the Belmont clans, and they attempted to literally whip his ass.....ah, they were so young and naive. Luckily, for them he got bored and walked away after slaughtering the first 45,000. His most ambitious project was the creation of the virtually limitless armies of ghouls and monsters that appear in all Castlevania games, and even today still hold ground against the Belmonts. A young vampire, Dracula (who at this time was known as "Mr. Sir") tried to usurp Alucard and steal control of his monster hordes. But, very luckily for him, Alucard only beat him within an inch of his life. After much deal talking and flattery, Alucard, eventually decided to leave Castlevania in Mr. Sir's control, so he could move on to other ventures.

But towards the end of the Rent-a-sauce period, he developed an uncontrollable sugar addiction. And so, he decided to invade Britain, and steal all their super sweet candy. After a long struggle, Alucard was eventually defeated by the combined forces of Bram Stoker, Abraham Van Helsing, Blade, Buffy, Hellboy, Simon Bellmont, Judge Dredd, Wallace and Gromit. But after the battle, the team found they couldn't kill Alucard. They tried everything including atomic bombs, Barney, and dropping him into Mount Doom.

Put your hands in the air, and step away from your pants.

So, they decided to enslave Alucard instead, by tricking him into signing a contract with lots of fine print (after getting Alucard very drunk).They drew straws on who got to keep him, and Van Helsing won. And from then on, Alucard was the official sex slave of all female members of the Helsing family.

Hellsing[edit]

After generations of feisty Helsing women having their way with Alucard, it was finally decided that they would further degrade Alucard by setting him against his own kind. Alucard, however, had no problem with this since he had already been killing other vampires for centuries (he never took competition well). Alucard's adventures with the Hellsing organization are perhaps his biggest claim to fame. In a rare interview, Alucard described his stay at Hellsing as "A sordid shithole world of the supernatural, gender confusion, neo-nazism, gender confusion, Catholic fanatics, gender confusion, creepy shadow people, gender confusion, half assed character development, plus a little gender confusion. Plus that one police girl."

Career in Law[edit]

Alucard, ace attorney.

Eventually, Alucard grew tired of his humiliating enslavement to a human. So, in his little sparetime, he studied law in hopes of becoming an attorney so he could find legal loopholes in order to get out of his contract. At first, it looked like a hopeless mess, until he put actual effort into this plan, then it all went perfectly.

Alucard had a great, glorious career as an attorney...that is, until he got his first case. Alucard had to prosecute a very obviously guilty man, with overwhelming evidence against him. It would've been an open and shut case, except that the defense attorney was Phoenix Wright. Alucard kept getting distracted by Wright's constant yellings of OBJECTION!!! and after two minutes, he lost all patience and massacred everyone in the courtroom. Alucard was then kicked out of the firm, because of some silly rules that said you can't kill the defense attorney, judge, jury, and other craziness like that.

Alucard's Allies[edit]

Despite his undeniable awesomeness, and deliciousness, our great lord Alucard has had few friends. Many of his associates have been asked of this, and they answer that he is arrogant, intimidating, and doesn't give a shit about anyone (of course, they're obviously just jealous of his sheer awesomeness). However, there have been a number of people who could stand being around him for more than 20 minutes. Close enough.

Sir Integra Hellsing[edit]

A descendant of the great Abraham Van Helsing (the one who gained enslavement rights over Alucard). At first she was going to do the "good guy" thing and make Alucard fight evil, save puppies, and beat up attorneys, but later turns to pimping after realizing the money that could be made. As a woman entering a highly male dominated field, she has taken steps to making herself more manly like making everyone call her "sir", and smoking cheap cigars.

Seras Victoria[edit]

An orphan police girl who was a virgin, which is strange, since she suffers from the common disease of giganto titus, pronounced tit(us), which tends to attract all sorts of boyfriends, stalkers, and rapists (especially the creepy bald ones). Alucard turned her into a vampire so he could have his own sex slave, and not feel so bad about being one himself. Sometimes she gets to kill people too, but only when she says please. During battles, she has some very...interesting strategies, thanks to the colour of her hair. One time she tried ass raping Jan Valentine, until she realized that she didn't have a dick.

Massive armies of fangirls[edit]

Like all vampires, Alucard is a natural seducer of the opposite sex. This offended many women, but despite that, Alucard has gained a formidable army of fangirls through his sexy voice acting and cute fashion sense. Unfortunately, more and more of these fans have been seduced by the villainous Edward Cullen.

Father Anderson[edit]

Father Anderson, sidorizing fresh victims.

A top quality priest hit man working for Iscariot. He works at an orphanage where he frequently molests the kids. Fights with thousands of magic swords that he keeps in his massive anal cavity, and stole Wolverine's healing factor. Alucard was caught off guard during their first encounter, since he wasn't used to putting actual effort into killing people. Anderson lived on for another few battles, mostly because it amused Alucard. It was so cute when he called him a blasphemy and other such names. But then Anderson made the mistake of making fun of Alucard's taste in music, THEN IT WAS ON! Alucard killed his ass so hard that he had to get stitches when he was in heaven.

Millennium[edit]

Once upon a time, there was a shithole Nazi organization, where Hitler dumped all his creepy gay officers in, and sent them to Brazil so they wouldn't have to be near him. He also made them work with artificial vampire research, in hopes that the vampires might go berserk and kill them all. Unfortunately, Hitler's plan didn't work, and the organization lived on to 2000, when the Y2K bug messed up all their computers. As a result, they named themselves Millennium, and declared war on everything to vent off their rage. Meanwhile, Integra calculated that if hundreds of millions die from Millennium's wrath, her number of customers might go down. So naturally the only choice was to send Alucard and his sex slave to whoop their pathetic asses. Fearsome foes from Millennium include: a gay man, a fat gay man, a gay Gambit rip-off, a creepy dead body rapist, a scary lesbian druggie vampire, a female vampire with the world's only non-racist gun, a catboy child whore, and a straight werewolf, who wasn't important enough to have an actual name.

Evil shadow people[edit]

These are a rare species of humans who appear normal at first. But during certain dramatic times, they reveal their true form, as a solid black silhouette, with blanked out glasses, sharp teeth and Michael Jackson's gloves. Alucard met them countless of times during his stay with Hellsing (even Father Anderson might have been one). At first they were a good natured peace-loving race doing wholesome activities such as eating people's souls. But one day, their king was shocked at how high Hellsing charged for a simple blow job. Thus, he sentenced thousands of his people to death by attempting to battle with Alucard. But eventually, peace ensued, and as part of their treaty, the shadow people taught Alucard the secrets of controlling shadows, and hedgehogs, but not you know who.


Luke being viciously mauled by Alucard in his dog form.

Luke and Jan Valentine[edit]

An amateur vampire pimp who tried to muscle in on Alucard's turf. Our man, Alucard was even further enraged when he saw Luke dressed like his long time opresser (Integra). Luke's ass was then mauled into dog food, and sold for $0.05 a bag (and Alucard thought that even this was overpriced). Luke's adopted Mexican brother Jan was fortunately ignored (like all minorities in Europe) and escaped with his life intact... only to get wasted on every drug known to man, days later. It was said that he was so messed up, he tried roasting himself as a marshmallow at a campfire.

Simon Cowell[edit]

As a member of Hellsing, Alucard was required to try out for American Idol. Naturally, he would've won the whole competition at just the auditions, if it wasn't for the Evil vampire Simon Cowell. Simon battled Alucard with his mighty "harsh judgment" and "extreme sarcasm" powers, but was eventually crushed by the sheer badassness of Alucard's voice acting.

Lucky Enemies[edit]

Crazy rapist bastards who were not killed by Alucard for some reason. Perhaps because his favorite show was about to come on, or maybe Alucard was so bored, he thought they didn't deserve the honour of getting killed by him. Other times, they might be backed up by limitless armies of fan girls (such was the case with Edward Cullen) But don't worry, they usually get their ass murdered by someone else two minutes later.

Dracula[edit]

Alucard has done battle with Dracula many times, especially during his rise to power in Castlevania. Yet somehow, Dracula always manages to survive Alucard's onslaught. This may be due to some yet unknown obligation (and certainly not the prowess of that wimp Dracula). Some speculate that Dracula may be Alucard's son (but the other way around would just be insane).

Hitler[edit]

After untold amounts of whoopage in World War Two, Alucard was about to do the same to Adolf Hitler. Unfortunately, there was already a long line of commandos, superheroes, politicians, and Jews who wanted to kick Hitler's ass too. Alucard got tired and left after 9,000 years of waiting in the unimaginably long line.

Edward Cullen[edit]

After losing one too many fangirls to Edward, Alucard finally decided it was soul eating time. So Edward and Alucard had a face-to-face encounter with each other... that destroyed many civilizations. BUT dispite of Edward's best attempt Alucard emerged VICTORIOUS!!! To bad for Edward, after that battle Alucard kept on destroying the Cullen family one-by-one...

Lesser Enemies[edit]

  • The Pope
  • The Belmont clan
  • Aludeck (his evil clone)
  • Manga and Anime that's not Hellsing
  • Video games that are not Castlevania
  • Travis Touchself
  • God
  • Countless millions

Recent History[edit]

Like his origins, little is known of Alucard's recent activities after he quit practising law. For some reason, all the investigators we've sent were found dead weeks later, raped to death, or with unrealistically large bullet holes in their bodies. It is believed that he went back to platinum blonde, and has grown even paler, despite moving to California. His only public appearance since his make over was as a boss in No More Heroes, where he was renamed "Helter Skelter" for some reason. However, due to budget constraints, Alucard's awesomeness was reduced by 90%. But even then, he was so hard to beat, that they made the scene non-playable. But if his awesomeness was just 1% more, Travis wouldn't have stood a chance.

Strategies[edit]

Alucard gets bored by just plain ass whoopage, so he likes to mix things up with complicated strategic ass whoopage. Some his most common methods include:

Taking it in

Alucard lets his enemy attack him with everything he's got (not like they can do any lasting damage of course). After their done, he effortlessly regenerates, mocks their obvious suckage, then rapes them like they've never been raped before.

Cross symbol

Alucard kills someone, and splatters their blood in the shape of a cross. This sacrifice then apeases the obscure demon king known as "jesus", who then proceeds to crush his enemies with mighty bolts of lighting.

Break your glasses

A very useful strategy, considering the number of characters in Hellsing who wear glasses.

Act like a crazed maniac

This is the strategy where Alucard REALLY gets to be himself. In this strategy, people get dismembered, souls are eaten, egos are crushed, goldfish get overfed, dead bodies get played with (and later sexed). And if that doesn't get to you, there's always his very, very VERY evil laughter.

Accomplishments[edit]

NOM NOM NOM I HAS KILLED YOUU
  • He once insulted Chuck Norris and lived, although legend has it, he had to get a blood-tranfusion of 7 liters. Chuck Norris, in a extremely generous mood, gave blood and proceeded to win Tour de France on a pogostick. A FUCKING POGOSTICK, BABY!
  • He appeared as the first boss in No More Heroes (though for some reason, they renamed him "Helter Skelter" in the American version.) And he was such a tough boss that the game makers has to make the entire scene non-playable.
  • Enslaved the werewolves for the benefit of Vampire-kind, which the Underworld movies were based on.
  • Once took a trip to the surface of the sun to get a tan. It didn't work, and he was as pale as ever.
  • Started a national holiday called "Bullet Fiesta Day"
  • Voted the snappiest dresser of vampires 5 times in a row.
  • Recently celebrated his 10 millionth vampire killed.
  • Started a short-lived card game called "Alu"
  • Did a safety campaign, with a slogan that said "Guns don't kill people, I kill people".
  • Did yo Mama last night.
  • Did yo Daddy too.
  • Said "hee hee, it tickles" after getting hit by an atomic bomb.
  • Stole a bigass gun from Hellboy. Fortunately it wasn't the one in his pants.
  • Took a vacation to the Marvel Zombies universe, and called it "pleasant".
  • Fought Omega Zero and survived. After two millennia, they decided to call it a draw so they could fight someone else.
  • There are many orphans who would gladly swim through an ocean of thumbtacks just to be in the long shadow cast by his achievements.