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Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article
Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed, much like his vast collection of Lolcat slideshow Holodeck programs. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.
“I would do her body good”
“What? Hudson who? Oscar Wilde is clearly wrong here.”
“To think I kissed her there --and there --and there!”
An noted shemale actress, Alyson Hannigan, was spawned by the January, 1973 Watergate trial. As if attempting to balance the great evil, Alyson's mother was mystically impregnated and gave birth to the future actress on March 24, 1974, on the White House lawn in Washington, D.C.. Her family soon moved to Sunnydale, California, where she began her acting career by playing the Little Red-Haired Girl in Charlie Brown. In 1989, she hired me for my noted mercenary abilities and began a dangerous quest to improve her acting ability, relying only upon my sword and the innate immunity to weapons damage typical of young, scantily-clad redheaded females.
We spent the next few weeks searching the Caves of Caerbannog and my old university dorm, battling fierce beasts, birds of prey, trolls and roving bands of vagina dentata. Unbeknownst to us, Karl Rove, who had a vision of a little red-haired vampire girl while on peyote, had followed us. Rove had in fact been given a glimpse of Hannigan as "Vampire Willow," a role she would play years later. After a brief confrontation, Hannigan hurled Rove into the fetid Pits of Hell, from which he would only escape much later. To this day, Rove's abiding fear and hatred of Hannigan and all projects in which she involves herself may be his only real feelings.
In 1996 Joss Whedon cast her as the Chick from Band Camp in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a role which took advantage of her nascent spell-casting skills. Millions of adolescents achieved their first orgasms with the charming Miss Hannigan in mind.
Hannigan has also been masturbated to in the following films:
- Serenity (2517)
- How I Fucked Your Mother (2006-?)
- Snakes On A Plane (2006)
- American Wedding (14 seconds ago)
- American Pie 2: Electric Boogaloo (2001)
- Dungeons and Dragons: The Musical (2000)
- American Pie (1999)
- All-Star Cheerleader Make-out (1998)
- The Michael Jackson Story (1997)
- The Stranger Beside Me (1995)
- The Partridge Family (1989) (TV series)
- My Stepmother Is a Big, Fat Idiot (1988)
- Charlie Brown (1980
- Citizen Kane (1941)
- Eight Simple Tools For Banging My Teenage Daughter (2000)
- In 2001, the Nobel Hotness Prize was invented just so Britney Spears could be nominated for it. Alyson Hannigan won instead.
- Karl Rove refuses to hire redheads, because they remind him of Hannigan. Indeed, he has been known to curl up into a ball and rock after prolonged exposure to red-haired females (Washington Post A15. December 13, 2004).
- Alyson is rated at "Hot, But Not So Hot That A Normal Guy Couldn't Tap It" by the accounting firm of Price-Waterhouse.
- This one time, at band camp, Alyson let a guy give her a tongue kiss, but just for a second.
- Alyson prefers the natural look down below and if you get to see her without here knickers on you'll see a what looks like a massive Dorito. This is in fact her orange pubes.
- She has a penis