Ambrose Bierce

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Bierce covers up a massive erection with a Beano and returns to explaining the merits of Gym Exercise to some Catholic Cheerleaders

Oh yes, the witty one of those yanks...really quite a spiffing shag

~ Noel Coward on Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose "Clever Yankee" Bierce (June 24, 1844-after December 26, 1913 (Cosmic ascension)) is a world famous Lexicographer and Short story writer from America. He is noted for his Devils Dictionary and Wittiness. He has never achieved the acclaim of similar writers like Edgar Allan Poe, but he never married his cousin which is customary for Notable American Writers to make the grade amongst their piers.

Bierce also had strong affiliations with Hoboeroticism, which is often seen in his works such as, the "tramp or the bum: which one to choose?". He has also been seen to be an outspoken supporter of anti-immigration laws.

Early Life[edit]

Ambrose Bierce spent his early life as an officer in the American civil war, he describes the time as interesting, he then went at age 13 to study under Edgar Allan Poe.

He describes Poe as someone who had "something sick in him, I think it may have been me". He managed to attend university where he studied Lexicography and General Morbid Wittiness; he graduated in 1999 first class after retaking his course a total of eighteen times whilst in Mexico via distance learning.

He joined the military and subsequently thrown out for sexually assaulting a horse, apparently this was and still is legal in the American military code. It was however deemed rape by Bierce’s commanding officer who was unusually sympathetic to the horse’s plight.

After his "dishonourable discharge" from the American Army, Bierce began his career in writing full time and some of his works like the Devils Dictionarywhich proved to be a seminal classic. He also turned more fully to scientology and sexual deviance which scored some acclaim for him, however he never was able to live up to the debauchery of Edgar Allan Poe[1].


Bierce demonstrates his controversial methods for dealing with immigration. Note the soul of the afflicted crawling up Bierce’s arm

Bierce has worked on some of the greatest works of Satire in the 20th century notably the Devils Dictionary. He also worked prodigiously on short stories such as "Hanged man lives again-Or does he?" (1866) and "Immigrants are vagrant Scum-Part 2" (1989).

Hi most famous contribution was to lexicography, and his dictionary is regarded as a poor example of the genre. However the dictionary widely used by some notable internet resources today[2].

He was also a journalist and was something of an American David Frost before his decent into drug addition and defecting from the Masons to the clan of Jim Morrison. His journalism tends however to be overlooked in favour of his weak Lexicography skills, which provided some amusement for second rate American literary Professors.

Legacy and Influence[edit]

Bierce went to influence many writers including Oscar Wilde and the music of Morrissey. In fact most morbid wittiness is descended from Bierce who achieved the ultimate accolade of cosmic ascension with the Thetans. The Thetans apparently award those with the highest in unhealthy engrams, in which case Bierce clearly qualified.


  1. Bierce's attempts could not match a man so twisted by a carnal pursuit of Pleasure and vice
  2. Encyclopedia Dramatica

See Also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ambrose Bierce.