America's Vietnam

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NOTE: this article is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon. Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right. The U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.

1: What's the demilitarized zone? It sounds like something from the Wizard of Oz "Oh no don't go in there!" "Ohhh wee ohh. Ho Chi Minn." "Oh look you've landed in Saigon. You're amongst the little people now." "We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minn trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minn trail!" “Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!" (Witch voice) Oh my god. It's the wicked witch of the north. It's Hanoi Hanna! (Witch Voice) "Now, little G.I., you and your little tune-ooh too!" (Female voice) "Oh, Adrian. Adrian. What are you doing, Adrian?" Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down on everything but the Titanic. Stop it right now."

2: Intelligence Officer: We've realized that we're having a very difficult time finding the enemy. It isn't easy to find a Vietnamese man named "Charlie." They're all named Nguyen, or Tran, or... Reporter: Well, how are you going about it? Intelligence Officer: Well, we walk up to someone and say, 'Are you the enemy? And, if they say yes, then we shoot them."

3: “I want to tell you something. You know. This whole camouflage thing doesn't work very well. Why is that? Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want something different. You know, you go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash.”

4: What is the difference between the Cub Scouts and the military? Bzzzzzt! Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery!

5: The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

6: “We've got our traffic report on the Ho Chi Minh trail. How's it goin' up there? "Uh, Adrian, it's not goin' exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture. There's horns everywhere. I don't know what to say. We're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm there and try 'n cook 'im down. Have a little barbecue."”

7: Here's a little advice to those soldiers out there: Never eat in a Vietnamese restaurant next to a pound.

8: Fashion again…..—“Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning G.I. is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green. I don't know,... the leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me."

9: Nha Trengh; there was some heavy stuff up there. That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out. There's some heavy shit goin' down, baby. You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem. "Hi, have you seen my face?" "Get your ass outta here!" You gotta watch it.

10: “Is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam? "No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it.”