The American Gladiators are known to most people from the television show of the same name that ran from 1989 to 1997. The show which originally pitted spanish and suburbian immigrants against steroid injected human test subjects. The winner of the show was able to acquire independence and a free day pass to six flags. The only way to defeat the gladiators was by using a philosophers gull stone which were obtained by preforming symbolic dances in foggy arenas. Contestants of the contest were required to train for months inside of a Bouncy Castle before any stretching could occur. It was once rumored these "Gladiatto ors" are merely pirate robot clones of the true Gladiators, who predate not only the television show, but also the creation of the universe. Although they are both immortal and forever young, the real Gladiators have not been seen in person since the Chicago World's Fair of 1893.
The Gladiators were originally famous for being the first to explore the Louisiana Purchase sometime around 10,000 BCE. They were out one crisp autumn day hunting marmosets and feeding local dinosaurs when they encountered a Frenchman selling berets and pink sparkly friendship bracelets. As luck would have it, he didn't have change for a $20, forcing him to strike a deal with the gladiators: in exchange for 6 Buffalo nickels and a fistful of spandex, the gladiators received the Louisiana Territory. At the time, however, Lousiana was still named New Luxembourg; the Gladiators later renamed it to honor their creator, Pope Louis Farrakhan IV.
The Gladiators, who were all (with the exception of Gemini) hewn from molten lava, lightly used dildos, and faith in Jesus Christ, descended to Earth from the future. It is a well know fact that everything in the future is like really really fast, which explains such garish names as Laser, Zap, Turbo, Cyclone, Blaze, and Nitro. In fact, by future standards, even these high-energy calamitous names are dull and lethargic-sounding, as though your dead grandmother was going for a Sunday drive in her Ford Pinto. frigin!
Gladiators roll call
- Blaser - real name Mike Hunt
- Zap - real name Zap Brannigan
- Snap - real name Elf 1
- Crackle - real name Elf 2
- Pop - real name Jose Vanswega
- Gemini - real name Gemima Puddleduck
- Turbo - real name Woody Allen
- Typhoon - real name The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
- Blaze - real name Blaise Pascal
- Nitro - real name Carrot Top
- Pyro - real name Captain James T. Haddock
- Colossus - real name Oprah Winfrey
- Beast - real name Linda Hamilton
- Lady - real name Richard Simmons
- Wolf - real name Scooby Doo
- Malibu - real name Malibu Heat
- Blade - real name Seth C.
- The Huntress - real name Sara A.
- Spesh - real name Tasha H.
- Tiger - real name Matt F.
- Diamond - real name Kasey L.
- Upgrade - real name [* Titanium - real name Emily J.
- Lady Cyclone - real name Ashley A.
- Fucker-real name Stupid Suckface