GINO
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 WARNING: This is NOT the True Godzilla™!
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“I sent him to live in the Sydney Opera House!”
~ Godzilla on GINO
“I also send his ass to the Sydney Opera House!!”
~ Godzilla on GINO
“I knew that tuna-head wasn't enough to match!”
~ James T. Kirk on GINO
“You bastard! I already screwed New York!”
~ King Kong on GINO
“He was our best agent.”
~ Osama Bin Laden on GINO
“He's dead! Now's my chance!”
~ Cloverfield on GINO's death
GINO (Gay Idiots No Orange juice), Zilla, French Godzilla or Tuna-Head (born in 1998, died in 2004) is the cheesy, load-of-crap ripoff of the real Godzilla. We don't know exactly where he came from, but we're pretty sure it was somewhere around the French Polynesian islands somewhere. We think he is the illegitimate child of either Megalon or Barney the Dinosaur. Yeah, it must be Barney. But then again it could be just some stupid iguana.
Zilla's conception occurred in the brains of those gay arch-idiots Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin. Please note that this creature is NOT a fat guy in a rubber suit, or the original Godzilla, and he has subsequently been caught for his vile crime of impersonation. He is currently serving time in the Sydney Opera House, mopping the floors and getting his eardrums blown out by the sumo singers.
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[edit] History
We really know pretty well have no idea where on earth this stupid beast came from, but apparently some knuckleheads were really dissatisfied with the fat guy in a rubber suit true lord of the universe himself, and decided to remake it with that load-of-crap CGI.
We're not even sure when he first appeared, but in 1996, after the much crapped-upon Independence Day came out, the two gay partner-director/producers Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin decided they needed a better film, one with a lot more CGI and less cool special effects. After stowing away on a Japanese freighter, they landed in Japan, where they found Godzilla himself sleeping. Not wasting the opportunity, they quickly stole Godzilla's film rights and rushed back to America via a giant octopus.
Finally, with the stolen plans to the Death Star, they proceeded to produce the Greatest Film Ever Made in 1998, Godzilla, on the Polynesian Islands.
[edit] Abilities
Zilla's abilities are few and far between, but probably the deadliest in the galaxy. Here are a few:
- Radioactive Flatulence
- Tuna Breath
- Foot Stomp of Evil
- Black belt in every single martial art there is
- Can run up to 900 mpg when he hears the ice cream van
- Not being retarded as Batista
- Leaving a burning turd on your yard
- Having 20,000 illegitimate children with himself. Only one did not inherit his dumbass ability
- Doing the Art of Killing a Bunch of People and Dying Retardedly
- beating king kong to new york
[edit] Early life
American Godzilla was born on the Polynesian Islands, the illegitimate son of Barney the Dinosaur and a cannabal guy. It pains us to have to write this, but it's the truth and we cannot suppress it. At first, they called him "French Godzilla", but when the U.S. media got a load of that, they decided to suppress it (unlike us, your perfectly honest newscasters) and called it "Godzilla", dropping "French" out of it. Later, followers of the original Godzilla gave him the name "American Godzilla", so no one would confuse him with Godzilla. But all those dumbcrap Americans did.
At first he was fairly small and very polite, but when Barney let loose with a huge radioactive fart, he caused all the iguanas on the island to mutated into gigantic flatulent copies of Jay Leno. Thus the beginning of French Godzilla.
[edit] Getting his first job
French Godzilla got sent to the local military school to learn how to handle a gun, but after he accidentally shot and stomped the head instructor, John Wayne, he was expelled, along with a lot of gas. Distraught, French Godzilla took a job at the local army base shovelling radioactive crap (most of which was his fault, BTW). However, after he took a big crap on the head of the base, Napoleon Dynamite, he was immediately fired. Angry now, but still not too angry, he was hired as a lowly technician inside a radioactive plant. But when he leaned on the lever that said "Do not lean on lever", that was the end of that. Kablooey.
Angry now, and I mean really angry, French Godzilla swore revenge on all humanity. After coming into contact with the Al-Qaida he trained vigorously in the art of killing a bunch of people and dying retardedly. After months of hard training and becoming a muslim, French Godzilla returned to his home to show case his abilities to his friends and family. With one fart, he caused a gigantic nuclear explosion which blew away the whole islands, and swam off seeking to destroy New York City.
[edit] Close encounter of the first kind
One dark, stormy night, a Japanese cruiser (which was later misidentified as an American cruiser) was out on the Pacific Ocean, lights and music ablazin', when suddenly the first mate spotted a gigantic wave headed toward the boat. He tried to turn, but the wave hit it side on. This was thought to be a rogue wave, but it was actually the result of turbulence caused the French Godzilla's big nasty fart. The boat tipped over and the cook was nearly stabbed to death by knives flying off the ceiling (what the crap were they doing on the ceiling, anyhow???)
The boat capsized and caused a bunch of passengers to have to band together to get to the "top", but that's a boatload of crap another story.
[edit] Close encounter of the second kind
Later on, giant radioactive footprints (followed by giant radioactive great big piles of crap) were discovered in Costa Rica Panama, and some little nerdy job named Kip Dynamite was sent to investigate. But by the time he got there, the radiation was so strong it mutated him, causing him to turn into the hulking Green Giant every time he ate peas. So that was the end of that...
Besides, they turned out to be giant hoofprints from some big cow with large tits, and we never knew what became of it, because the Three Stooges destroyed the whole investigation just by knocking on the door... (they startled the commander while he was placing explosives, and he farted and blew the whole shed and consequently all the vehicles apart)
[edit] Close encounter of the third kind
- THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS (AND IS CONSEQUENTLY ALWAYS FRIGGIN' GROUCHY)
One dark night, in a cornfield right beside the ocean, a man is sleeping in bed when suddenly he hears the bench on the front porch start to rock. Then the windmill starts moving. Then the lawnmower starts up. Then he farts. Then, whaddya think happened? A big UFO came and beamed him up? WRONG! Suddenly his cabin exploded into flames, because French Godzilla had come along and gassed on it.
Following this, he sunk three fishing boats (he thought they were transporting marshmallows, his favorite food), and then pulled some poor little fisherman's pole into the water. French Godzilla didn't mean no harm, but when that blasted hook caught in his tongue he got so mad he tore that whole crappin' dock apart.
[edit] 1998
French Godzilla actually attacked Tokyo (or some other obscure Japanese town), but this was once again misinterpreted as an American town, and was replaced with New York City. By this time, French Godzilla was really mad, so he started stomping all over the city, blowing up the World Trade Center and throwing up all over the fish markets. However, things got really out of hand when our friend heard the ice cream truck going by. Since he just loved ice cream, he had to follow it and consequently ended up blowing up more trucks and stomping more pedestrians and destroying more buildings with his radioactive flatulence.
After this, French Godzilla was so feared he became the new dictator of New York, forcing all the citizens to adapt to primitive and savage ways, including worshipping giant statues shaped like Barney and sacrificing their best young blondes and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream to him. From then on, his title "French Godzilla" was dropped, and he became either "American Godzilla" or "Emperor Zilla". Rumor has it he was even called "Lord Flatulent", but that name never stuck, primarily because the perpetrator got an appointment with Hannibal Lecter.
[edit] Revolt and Overthrow
American Godzilla got so content drinking booze and kitten huffing and ice cream gluttoning he never realized that a revolt was being planned. One day, while talking with his famous ally, Homer Simpson, American Godzilla heard the ice cream truck go past. Homer thought it was doughnuts, so they both went after it. However, it was a trick: the truck took them to the Brooklyn Bridge, where the two got intertwined in the suspension cables. They were then forced to listen to the most horrible song on earth, "Puberty Love", (and who was behind it all? spider-man!) and consequently both their heads violently exploded, blowing up the Brooklyn Bridge and the rest of New York. It still hasn't recovered. However, one of Zilla's offspring, TAG (True American Godzilla), survived, and went on to join the EPA, fighting all the radioactive monsters that were constantly popping up due to America's wastefulness of the environment. The cartoon was decent enough that the offspring joined the New Godzilla in Japan, helping the new Japanese Godzilla pwnz evil peoples and capture alien Bases
[edit] 2004
However, it became apparent that at least American Godzilla survived somehow. Homer definitely survived, as he is unkillable (he possesses the terrible "Doughnut-Izer G-1"), and he must have regenerated AG. When Godzilla found out about this cowardly drunk who had been impersonating him all this time, he decided it was time to put a stop to it. And none too soon, for a Klingon invasion was underway. Commander Kruge sent hundreds of The Simpsons to attack major cities all across the globe, putting them all under his control.
American Godzilla was hesitant at first, but when the prospect of an ice cream-creating missile (the Dairyenesis Missile) was presented, he fell for it at once and attacked Sydney. However, Godzilla was waiting for him there. With one great Tail Whip of Justice, he sent the drunken politician into the Sydney Opera House, where he was forced to listen to "Puberty Love", played by the Opera House's infamously bad orchestra (yes, spider-man was there too), and once again causing his head to explode. Kruge, in a drunken rage, gave him the new name "Tuna-Head". Homer Simpson, who was also under Klingon control, came to his comrade's aid, but Godzilla battled him before he could arrive. Homer tried to escape into space, but Godzilla followed and hurled the Dark One himself into the sun. He was never seen again.
[edit] How To Combat Giant Mutated Lizards (e.g. Godzilla)
A giant mutated lizard is never an easy opponent, being about 200 feet tall, big, strong, and generally quite badass and better than you. But it isn't all doom and gloom, for giant mutated lizards are easily destroyed! The 1998 "film" Godzilla is in a fact an international educational video on what to do when giant lizards attack.
How to Combat The Lizard: by Majic Johnson
- Be confident; be strong. Remember, it's still a pathetic iguana underneath that great, radioactive, hulking exterior. You're a human, aren't you? You're better than every other failed species on this planet. Just because it's 200ft tall and could easily destroy you doesn't mean the battle is lost!
- Ensure you have trucks of fish nearby. Godzilla may eat these fish, but the smell should really put it off attacking your city. After all, wouldn't you be put off attacking a city that stank of dead fish? And just remember, thats a lot of fish.
- Make it follow you onto a bridge. It's too stupid to fight it's way out of a suspension bridge, despite levelling half of New York.
- Failing all of the above, just bring along a BFG-9000; they can kill nasty demons in Doom, what's to say they won't destroy a hulking great lizard?
- Bring along a Cloverfield Monster and a deck chair. The two monsters should have a pretty awesome fight, and probably kill each other. (Two birds with one stone!)
- Or if all else fails, get godzilla's natural enemy, lawsuits.
And now you're all set. Using the advice above to the best of your ability, you will single-handedly save your city from massive, oversized lizards that would normally kick your ass.
