Americas High School
“It's like what America would be if everyone in Congress had a six-pack and smoked weed.”
“It's the finest and most pulchritudinous work of brick and mortar ever to rise from a concrete slab.”
Americas High School (population 1,337) is a small suburb located in the St. Pablito region of the Principality of El Paso. Most students here are experienced drug lords sent from the mysterious planet of Texaco in order to learn the ways of the natives here. Almost 86% of the population of AHS is Scientologist, a fact that many local residents resent. Every October, the student population at AHS celebrates the traditional American Southwest holiday "Dia de los Santos de Pimpin", in memory of those three Mexican saints killed in the crossfire during the Bloods-Crips War of 19-tickity-2. Americas high is the best awesome group called Factor Guild Actor aka F.A.G. this group consists of angry steroid freshman with a job of extermination.
Student BodyLife is different at Americas. Unlike most other high schools, there is no "Freshman Friday". The reason for this is because during the 2006 school year, a group of over-muscled bodybuilder freshmen girls (all named Regina) got fed up with the principal's policy of mandatory freshman bullying, and overthrew her. They then led a violent revolt against the teachers, killing three and turning a dozen more into homosexuals. Ever since then, Americas has been a fascist dictatorship in which buff freshman girls roam the halls, shoving teachers into trash cans and pushing wheelchair-bound children off the roof.
Americas has the nation's best cheerleaders. Hailing from Finland, these girls have defeated all competition and have recently secured the International Klingon Costume Contest for the next eighteen years.
A Student in Particulate is the Infamous Damon Auata, heir to the Auata Fortune he has yet to express is gratitude by polluting the modern social disposition with the Auata Dictionary,Some well known slang confined in this Auta Bible include but are not limited to (Fuck, Faggot, Your Gay, I Just Dont Get It, and Thats My Cousin!!). Some of likings include Coke, McDonald's, and Defensive Z's, and Kobe Bryant. His dislikings consist of Wings, Blue Alive Affirmation, indulging in his own appearance, and the nuclear meltdown of Chernobyl, and Camaros. He also enters a blind, mountain dew fueled, rage at the slightest mistakes people make and some say he was concieved by testerone molecules themselves.
Americas is quite possibly the most diverse place in the known universe. Here's a nifty breakdown of the student population there:
- 99.76% Hispanic/Latino
- 0.24% White
- 13.37% Black
- 2.57% Californian
- 15.36% Asian
- 11.5% Jewish
- 26.11% Semi-Jewish
- 37.83% Stoner
- 0.00001% Jawsh
Americas has by far the best football team on the campus. In the 42 year history of the program, the Trailblazers football team has amassed 6 wins and 69 last-place finishes in District play. Some of the most famous players for Americas' football team include but are not limited to:
- Tom Brady
- JP Losman
- Barry Sanders
- Justin Bieber
- Barry Bonds
- James Bond
- Darth Vader
- Tony Romo
- Chuck Norris
- Captain Planet
- Tony Stark
- Miley Z. Cyrus
- The starting waterboy is Joseph A. "Joe" Mama.
- Big JAVA is our starting runningback
- THE BLOUGH is our quarterback
In 2008, noted Americas basketball star James LeBron drew heavy criticism for his televised decision (cleverly titled "The Decision") to transfer to Riverside High School's basketball team, which already boasted such All-Stars as Carmelo "Casey" Anthony, Kevin Garnett, and Bi-District MVP Sloth. Since then, Americas' fans bring bottled sulfuric acid, large, jagged stones, and pitchforks whenever their basketball team plays Riverside, as a way to advocate their intense displeasure.
Some of Americas most beloved traditions include the Blue Waffle Eating Contest and the Burning of the Chihuahua. During the BWEC, scores of students devour Blue Waffles in a limited time. The winner of this contest has the right to hold the coveted Blue Waffle sash and Blue Waffle Canadian Beltbuckle. This contest has been predominately owned by a student known as PenisBoy McGee.
During the Burning of the Chihuahua, students partake in 3 steps prior to the burning. The students first chase the Chihuahua through the Pellicano Dr. while hurling large flaming stones at the dog. Then the students pour unfathomable amounts of Sulfuric Acid and Periodic Acid on the dog while they pour Special Fried Rice upon its eyes. Then the dog is impaled through its spinal cord with a 100 ft tall pike and place on the top of the school. Finally the students soak the pike in lighter fluid and then start the fire at the base of the pike. The fire then gradually rises to the dog. Then when the dog catches fire, the students encircle the pike and assume the fetal position. Then the students all at once recite the Burning Chihuahua oath while whipping themselves in the back with long reeds of cacti needles and fish hooks.
Another popular tradition among the students of AHS is the annual Mountain Climb, in which ten groups of three students each compete to see who can ascend the dreaded Mt. Oriarehu in the shortest amount of time. Rampage Baca is the current champion, having leapt the 13,889-foot mountain in a single bound using her rugged, masculine legs. The climbers then must use the inflatable rafts that are placed on the top of the mountain to slide down the side of the mountain, where they will end up on a beach. They must then use the rafts and paddles (found on the beach) to frantically navigate through shark-infested waters to the legendary Ituah Island. Found there is a giant golden pear, measuring 11 feet in height. The group must eat through the pear to the center, where a congratulatory diploma awaits them. The winning group must then get back in their raft and paddle through the deadly waters again if they hope to make it back to class on time. The nine groups that lost are rounded up and shipped off to Rampage Baca's Dungeon, where they will be subjected to brutal whippings and Blue Waffle tastings for the rest of their days in high school.
Americas is home to a plethora of student clubs and organizations. For example, the AHS Dyslexics' Club has won the "Ntaional Dylsxeic's Trpohy" every year since 2001. The AHS Book Club is currently halfway through Twilight: Eclipse. Says one crazed fan: "OMG Jacob is sooooooooooooooooo HAWT!!!!!!!!"
The Junior Nuclear Enthusiasts Club has come under fire from the national media. After one poor sap fell asleep while a reaction was occurring inside a machine, the reactor melted down, incinerating the room, along with an unspecified spot located in Pakistan.
The International Cholo Federation headquarters is stationed in the heart of Americas. Here many young prospects learn to launch milk bottles and food at unsuspecting ROTC members. Theses newcomers must also pass the test of flipping The Grand Larson off and successfully outrunning him. This federation also demands its members wear tight fitted muscle shirts, top buttoned shirts, khaki pants, and sunglasses must be worn on the back of the head. Members also must be enrolled in the school's Autotech class where they will learn the 5 pillars of modern Choloism and how to properly maintain a family of 16.
One of the finest maturity groups on the face of the earth is the Americas ROTC (Rationing of Obstruct Telekenetic Calluses). This a group lead by the noble Sir Cadet Yacobo Nope Mando Lopez The Great III This is for the poor unfortuante souls that inhabit areas such a Juarez and Beverly Hills, and even the hometown of PKAA (Professional Knitting Association of America) 2 time rookie of the year Madam Defrage, Madison Octagon Garden. This city is also home to the unstoppable PKAA beast Ruben "Tubin" Villarreal, who recently won the PKAA Rookie of the Year award for the fourth consecutive year. With ROTC they can seek shelter from the horrific Nuclear Weapon (Made from top secret matierials only found on the Blough) that has a 691,337,420 lightyear Blast Radius
The AHS Luncheon Association is coming off a record year. They out-cooked all competition in District play and amassed a 12-0 record. They then headed to the Megatexas capital of Bloughtopolis, where they finished 2,301st out of 1.6 billion teams. As of yet, they are the only team from El Paso to not be kicked out after one round of play.
The AHS Band is the finest group of individuals to ever set foot on the field. When The Chuck Norris saw them in all their glory, his retinas took out knives and stabbed his corneas, who in turn pulled out their shotguns and shot his optic nerves. That's how damn sexy this band is. The Americas band has won every competition at the District, Regional, State, National, Continental, Hemispherical, Global, Solar Systemic, Galactic, and Universal levels every year since 19-tickity-two. For those of you mathematicians who don't know how long that is, just imagine taking Rosie O'Donnell's second chin and stretching it out. Measure this length in inches, and multiply the number by 83. That's how long it's been since 19-tickity-two, bitches.
The National Dishonor Society is the largest collection of idiots and lowlives in the school. Here one can find lowly students who regularly receive high grades in class, and some of whom have never received anything other than an A on their report cards throughout their entire lives. The NDS has been at war with the International Cholo Federation for the past five months. Neither side has taken control of the war yet, but the president of NDS has stated that her army will resort to the use of nuclear weapons and biological toxins if the battle escalates.
Americas' faculty is one of the most renowned groups in the nation. Peasants from all over flock to the school to admire the golden statue of Sith Lord Peña, or to cleanse the platinum-coated bathrooms with their measly Lemon Pledge cans.
Some of the finest teachers in human history have come to teach at Americas, many of them Nobel Prize winners:
- Catherine "Gloves" Graverson is a three-time featherweight world champion in boxing and a skilled acrobat. She had a brief stint with the Barnum and Bailey Circus, but it ended in 1972 when she was drafted third overall by the Raiders.
- Lieutenant Miles T. Kettel is a Mountie who ruled the Canadian border for many years. A native of Toronto, he was pulled over himself in 2005 for driving under the influence. Officers revealed that he had excessive amounts of maple syrup in his bloodstream. In September 2009 Kettel was added to PeTA's "Top 10 Most Wanted List" for having killed over 300,000 Canadian moose in Quebec, northern Ontario, and southern Nunavut within the span of eight months. He has not been found yet, but authorities suspect that he is hiding in the remote forests of Nunavut, where he constantly devises new methods of boiling, cooking, and serving Canadian moose as a meal. His new book "Well, Ummmm: The Miles Kettel Chronicles" is slated to hit bookstores this August.
- The Bloughinator is Americas' finest Chemistry teacher. Sulfuric acid courses through her veins, and hypoflorous acid makes up 100% of her urine. The crust from her eyes is lethal upon contact and was the key ingredient in creating the atomic bomb. Her world record for the most weight bench pressed (33.15235 moles of pure neutron star material) has been unbroken and unchallenged for the past five millennia.
- Strawny Boy is the longest reigning teacher in the history of El Paso. He has a philosophy of being extremely charismatic and good looking. He currently benches 415 pounds and squats over 550. His Mom also has the words "Son" tattooed across her arm. And as a native of Nigeria, he frequently travels there to capture white rhinos and black mambas to add to his vast collection.
- Bolivia Crosse-Santana is the second longest reigning teacher in El Paso history. Nothing more needs to be said, she's aaight and has a propensity for throwing footwear at those unsuspecting jackasses who disrupt her class.
- Buddy Larson aka "The Grand Larson", known for his notorious liking of deliquent, complacent, and selfish basketball players. He speaks in southern black 1850's slang and has always dreamed of one day coaching elementary girls basketball. He makes it very obvious that he strongly dislikes Duke, and overall he has a gracefull, yet somewhat feminant tone of voice. He is far too complacent, and his false sense of egotistical bravado has led many pupils to develop ire at his unprovoked anonymity towards the papal states of yesteryear. "I Dun Ben a Angliss Teacher for 16 dang yurrzz" said the Grand Larson after reading "Antigone Caesar's Eyes Were Watching A Tale of Two Owen Meanies"
- Donna "Rampage" Baca Descendant of Brock Lesnar and Madame Defarge, this Bolivian killing machine at 5'10 375 pounds of pure fury has won the Intercontinental Mohammed 70 Virgins award for the past 8 years and next 27 to come for having the most Cholos put in the Alaskan Torque Bow Position at one time. He/She currently works endlessly to find evidentiary support to bring the Copious International Cholo Federation down to the ground, but sadly the federation multiplies in a numerous and arcane manner therefore leaving Rampage Baca to inconspicuously perform not only oral but hypertonic sex with her lover, PenisBoy McGee.
- David Enrique Marcelo Carlito Benito Pepino Ignacio Bob Pedro Emmanuel Angel Tecate Antonio Cesar Gabriel Jesus Octavio Cerveza Ernesto Roberto Emilio Froot Loops Chavo Guerrero Carlos Francisco Roman Mario Peña IV is the principal and foremost ruler of the Grand Duchy of Americas High School. Actually, he's just a figurehead with no real power. As was mentioned before, the school is run by muscular freshmen girls (Rampage Baca being one of them). In his spare time, Mr. Peña likes to fire Chemistry teachers, namely Strawny Boy. He enjoys long walks on the beach and submitting to Ms. Baca's iron will. In June 2011 Peña died after his lowrider careened over one of the famed Crip Cliffs in South-Central Compton. His body was found and taken to the Marshall Mathers Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead.
- PenisBoy McGee is Rampage Baca's lover, and therefore counts as some sort of administration. He is roughly 4'6 tall and weighs in at a miniscule 69.1337 pounds. His mistress, who towers over him, regularly beats his tiny ass until he submits to her will. McGee is exceptionally talented at eating Blue Waffles and always wins the annual Blue Waffle Eating Contest, thanks to his experience with his wife's vaginal infestation of the Waffles. An aspiring astronomer, McGee wishes to use the Hubble Space Telescope to take closer photographs of the Blue Waffle Nebula and post these pictures on his Facebook profile. He is also a pro gamer, and enjoys pwning n00bs on Xbox Live.
- Walls Street is the Pre Requisite Calculus teacher who suffers from Post-Traumatic-Factorization Syndrome. Whenever he hears a sudden blast, he immediately finds cover, goes prone and factors tremendous 7 Septillion degree polynomials. He has the unit circle tattooed across his muscular chiseled back and the vector units of his bicep inscribed on his forearm. During his years at West Point he became notorious for manhandling terrorists and villains in unexpected situations which became the basis of future Rambo and Die Hard movies. From any viewpoint in his class you will always see the front of Walls face staring upon you in dissapointment like the light side of the moon and the eye of Sauron in Lord of the Rings.
- Lucy "Sheep" Burrito has taken over the dictatorship of Americas ever since Sith Lord Peña's fatal car crash. Her constant reminders to her students that "THE CHOICE IS YOURS" have resulted in a 60% increase of drug use among peer-pressured students, as well as multiple sponsorships from Nike and their motto of "Just Do It".
- John Wayne Espinoza is the Advanced Placement Calculus AB, BC, CD, XY, CIA, AARP, and NAACP teacher at Americas. When he isn't instructing his students on the mathematical mysteries of the universe or devising trigonometric pickup lines, he stars in Western action films and goes clubbing with Walls Street on the weekends. He won the Lifetime Achievement Award twice for his use of Euler's method to calculate the lowest point at which a Cholo's pants could sag before falling down. When he is angered, he rips his shirt to reveal a 6-pack in the shape of an integral symbol, the power emanating from which is roughly 20,000 times that of the Large Hadron Collider.
- Jesus Christ "Craig" Peters, Esq. was created in a laboratory at Area 51 on December 8, 1941 as an unstoppable fighting machine devised to deter the Japanese military during World War II. When he was twenty-one years old, he descended Mount Sinai with the original copy of the Holy Holt Physics Textbook in one hand and what he referred to as "some useless commandments or whatever" in the other hand. He used his extensive knowledge of physics and science in general to attain the titles and honors of being Surgeon General of the United States, Professor Emeritus of Physics at MIT, Dancing With the Stars champion (six times) and Associate Vice President of the Pimptastic Party of Compton, CA. Upset with Peters getting all the attention for his work, noted British bodybuilder and Olympic athlete Stephen Hawking challenged him to a brawl in a parking lot as part of Wrestlemania XXX. Peters destroyed him, of course, leaving him in the condition that he's in today. Soon afterward, Peters-
WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME. I'm so goddamn tired of teaching you spoiled assholes concepts that you have no interest in learning. You just sit there and leech off the taxpayers' money like parasites while you talk about what Brad Pitt ate for dinner last night, or what Lindsay Lohan did to get herself arrested for the third time this week. I swear, the next time one of you fucktards interrupts our discussion of the Chapter 69 homework to talk about what Lady Gaga wore to the VMAs, I'm going to rip out a small child's esophagus and use it as a straw to drink my obnoxiously organic green tea.