Americorps

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AmeriCorps, AKA AmericaCorps, is a program of the federal government of the United States of America. It is arguably the only useful branch of the Corporation for National and Community Service (which also contains the Senior Corps and Learn and Serve America), which is itself a division of the Department of Underfunded Programs of Questionable Value.

History[edit]

AmeriCorps was created in 1993 by then-president William "Billy" Clinton. There are claims by prominent Republican politicians that the framework for Americorps was actually laid during the administration of George "Not as Bad as You Thought Now that You've Seen My Son in Action, eh?" Bush, but they were disproved in 2001 by respected political historian (among other things) Bill O'Reilly. According to O'Reilly, the odds of AmeriCore being created by Bush Sr. are "About as good as the odds that you'll find me paying more than $100 for a prostitute." It should be noted that Mr. O'Reilly is known for his penny-pinching when it comes to streetwalkers.

Originally intended as a "Domestic Marine Corps", Americacorps was employed in several notable national emergencies. In the "Stale Fish Operation" of 1996, a troop of 19 and 20 year old AmeriCorps members successfully crossed the Mississippi River in St. Louis to put down a Viet Cong insurgency. While they ultimately defeated the Communist threat, this event brought a good deal of negative publicity to the program and how it was implemented. The general populace was upset to find that these AmeriCorps members were receiving a living stipend of approximately $23 dollars a week, and were generally ill equipped for the dutites they were assigned, often fashioning slingshots from Y-branches of sapling trees to substitute for the more modern weapons that their program was lacking. At the time, administrators of the program defended the compensation for the "Professional Volunteers", citing the $4,753.68 education award they would receive upon completion of their 10 month term, though only 27% of program particpants survived to term completion.

Reimagining[edit]

Due in part to the criticisms, and in part to the need for a distraction, the program was reimagined shortly after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke out in 1997. A thorough market study was commissioned, and it was determined that a preferable alternative to the "Domestic Marine Corps" was the "Domestic Peace Corps". Speaking via satellite feed while he was on a bathroom break during a hearing before the Senate Judiciary Commitee, barely-president Clinton gave the following speech to a group of senior citizens at the Americacorporation convention of 1998, held in Boca Raton, Florida:

"Friends, countrymen, grandparents; I come to you today in the midst of one of the greatest challenges I've ever faced- you see I had 4 Krispy Kremes for breakfast this morning and they're running through me like Steve Prefontaine, you know what I mean? I'm tellin' you, if you happen to be out of prune juice, just pop on over to the 7-Eleven for a pack of these babies. But seriously, folks, I'm here to talk about National Service. I think it's great. Bridge to the Future, know what I mean? God be with you."

After that, it was pretty much downhill for Amco; and this article, apparently. My name is Adam Dennis and i like fucking goats.