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“Amu is probably the best thing to happen to happen to mankind since the pound per square inch.”

~ Lord Kelvin on Amu
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The Amu, or the American Monster Unit is the mother of all units and used by all people everywhere on Earth and in the solar system. It is approximately equal in size and weight to an small lobster, and in time to the duration of a lobster-capture. This makes it a universally acceptable unit, since it really includes everything anyone ever needs to measure and since the lobster may be found in its natural habitat rain-water puddles all around the globe (except in Canada, where lobsters have long been hunted for their ivory claws).


In 1905 Einstein realized the need for a new and improved system of units to simplify and clarify calculations to laymen reading his work. This led him to devise what he called God Given Units. These units were based upon a halucinogenic experience on lake Schwarzwald together with his pet Cthulu Biscuit, after imbibing large amounts of sea-air and catching a large crab. Mistaking this crab for a lobster, Einstein decided to base the new God Given Units on the duration of his time at sea catching the "lobster", its size and its mass. Biologists have later confirmed the validity of this approach, and as late as 1983 an experiment was carried out where lobsters were finally proved time-invariant when deep-frozen.

In 1948, the western world and the east-block came close to nuclear armageddon because of the dispute over whether or not lobsters should be allowed to be distributed among the Berlin populace by the Marshall aid, where the stand-point of the DDR officially was that of "an equal measure for all". This turning point in oriental history led to the extinction of the lobster in all eastern-block countries, and the introduction of the ruler. Today, lobster has been reintroduced all over the world, while the lobster measure has been refined by creating a lobster of Invar (an alloy made of diamond and almond that is kept in Stockholm, Switzerland.

Mathematics behind the amu[edit]

The simple, yet powerful deduction of the amu is based upon the tripod of mass, length and time. If we consider the equation governing the simple process of lobster capture, it is trivial to deduce that where N is the number of lobsters of mass m caught in the time t. coefficient 1/2 comes from the normalization of the probability function of space-time for any given lobster. From this formula, we can determine all possible units and thus, it is really god-given.