Amy Winehouse
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“I think she's just shit, really”
“She doesn't even take drugs”
| ||
| Date of birth: | 1 April 2006 | |
| Place of birth: | Croydon, London | |
| Nationality: | English | |
| Religion | Drugs | |
|---|---|---|
| Spouse | Blake Fielder-Civil (presumed raped), British Pete Doherty-impersonating champion, 2002, 2004 and 2006 | |
Amy Wine-vodka-whisky-champagne-crackhouse (spawned 2006) is an English singer/songwriter/drug abuser/demon/portable beehive believed to have birthed as a result of air pollution mixed with Vanilla Ice songs and bad vibes. She is best known for her abysmal cover of The Zutons' "Valerie", her ironic "Rehab", and a recent cover of Eminem's "Drug Ballad".
She is also known for enjoying a light intake of pharmaceuticals every now and then, but it's nothing worth writing home about. Amy married Blake Fielder-Civil on the someday/some month/some year in exchange for drugs, and the two have lived happily since despite rumours of an affair with talentless smack rat and former Libertines frontman Pete Doherty.
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[edit] Early Life
Amy Winehouse was born on the 1 April 2006 on the streets of Croydon when a man listening to Vanilla Ice on his iPod accidently bumped into former singer of 1960s faux rebellious punk band The Sex Pistols, John Lydon. The chemical reaction between the two men intertwined with the pollution of Croydon's air caused a strange, boar like creature to appear and instantly start singing shit songs at them. It is believe that this led John Lydon to endorsing butter.
After the two men had left, Amy decided that all she could do was pursue a career in music, much to the dismay of anyone with good taste.
[edit] Music Career
[edit] "Rehab"
Winehouse burst onto the scene with debut single "Rehab", in which she claimed that she refused to go to rehab despite pleas from her family and friends. The song was actually terrible, but gathered a lot of praise from pseudo jazz fans who thought that Amy Winehouse would somehow revive jazz and make it cool again. Unbeknownst to them, jazz stopped being cool when Steely Dan left the limelight.
[edit] "Valerie"
Not content with making a mess of her own work, Winehouse accepted an offer from smug, twattable wanker Mark Ronson to cover The Zutons' "Valerie". Once again, this terrible, hash of a song gained great critical response - mostly from DJs and club goers who decided that listened to the song four times a night was the best way to go about having a good time. Amy was so embarrassed upon realisation that she was shit, that she didn't bother turning up to shoot the video, and instead rejected Girls Aloud hopefuls were used instead.
[edit] Other songs
The singer went on to release another single or two, but nobody really cared.
[edit] Personal life
Amy is, or was (who the hell even knows, or cares?) married to Blake Fielder-Civil, who she gave her hand in marriage to in exchange for a suitcase of drugs just days after her spawning. Their marriage was tested when she was accused of having an affair with fellow talentless musician turned druggy, Pete Doherty. Upon realisation that he wasn't even good enough to front a band as gash as The Libertines, Pete started visiting a crack den where he would consume drugs, and it was there that he met Amy Winehouse performing acoustic renditions of her classics to half-dead squatters. The two began hanging together and taking drugs together, and it is believed that Pete Doherty, who genuinely ruins every fucking thing, was the catalyst in Amy's drug issues, as sources claim that before meeting him, Amy only coked herself up "casually" to wind down at the weekend.
The issue was resolved and Amy and Blake's marriage was resumed.
[edit] Drug and Alcohol Abuse
When you're shit at what you do, but get rich for it anyway, things can spiral out of control as Amy will tell you, provided you catch her at a time she isn't coked up to her teeth. The pressure and stress of being in the limelight took its toll on Amy, and she began seeking solace at a local crack den where she would perform her songs to smaller crowds - crowds consisting mainly of people who couldn't even hear the music. After meeting Pete Doherty, she began to take a lot of drugs herself, as well as drinking a lot of alcohol. Pictures of her gradually evolving into a horse were printed in respectable news sources such as The Sun and The Daily Mirror, and Christmas 2007 was cancelled for no real reason other than to emphasise the fact that Amy Winehouse generally has a negative effect on things. Funnily enough, Amy eventually entered rehab at the demands of her adopted father and forgiving husband.
Unfortunately, rehab didn't really do much, as she still lives on a diet of drugs and booze. Still, as long as the bitch is too shitted up to move, she can't write or record songs, and that can only be a good thing.
[edit] Amy Winehouse in Popular Culture
Eminem "dissed" Amy and her husband Blake in recent single "We Made You", in which he gives Amy a lot of credit because the woman playing her in the video is actually a damn sight more attractive than the real thing - even with the yellow teeth. She was also parodied in god awful spoof movie "Disaster Movie" in which things are generally made fun of in the hope that these films will reach the same success as Scary Movie. If you pause the film 0:38 seconds into the scene involving Amy Winehouse, you can actually see the director behind a tree scraping a barrell.
 Look at those sexy eyes |
 Ewwww!!! |
 Taking a shit on the pavement |
 BRIT awards more like ha ha shit awards hehe (: |
- "When they said what about rehab, I said blibble blabble goldfish"~Amy Winehouse
- ''The greatest role model since Jesus decided to give up the hoes and preach"~ Leona Lewis on the next Mother Teresa; Amy Winehouse.
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
