An Open letter to Santa

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Dear Santa,

I have never asked anything from you. Well, I don't believe you exist. I whistled at the proof that Santa doesn't exist. Besides you'd never fit in a chimney.

But desperate times need desperate measures. I am as desperate as a pig being taken to a pork factory, I swear. I need you to exist, physics be damned. [1]

Ok, so here's the thing: I need a girlfriend. I dunno how to say this in Icelandic (I could use, aber Es saugt[2]), but I assume you speak English (and read it). Otherwise just post this in some free translation thingy on the net. And if you're free, image search "Queen Elizabeth"... wowie!... (See? I'm so desperate...)

Here it's again: I need a girlfriend. A girl who's my friend and who'd like me to bang her. No, wait, I move to strike that from the testimony... er... letter. I mean, I need a girlfriend. Hope you know what that means. That beard would've attracted quite some girls ;-).

Well, can anyone give such a simple request for Xmas? NOOO! People will be asking for world peace, or enlarged penises, or such. I bet you'll be proud of me for this.

Well, what else? Oh, yeah, how's Rudolph? (Sorry, I don't know the other's names.) And how're the elves? Snow White? [3]

Have a nice Christmas. I know you can go faster than light. [4] And carry 321,300 tons. Go, Santa!

Your believer,


P.S. Hmm... I don't have a big enough sock for a girlfriend. [5] Place her beside me on the bed, will ya? On second thought on top of me...


  1. I need to write an apology letter to Einstein now, darn.
  2. which means "but it sucks" in German. Ah, why do I need to explain jokes...
  3. Oops, that's another story...
  4. Must add that in the apology letter to Ein.
  5. And I don't want Thumbelina.