Analyze That

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“I thought you might appreciate a nice home-cooked meal after being in prison so long.”

“Yeah, that's what I've been jerking off to for the last 850 nights in a row, a fuckin' home-cooked meal.”

“I would sing too.”

“Now, mix the cream cheese, melted butter, and eggs into the tuna casserole...”

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Analyze That.

Analyze That is the sequel to Analyze This. Starring Robert DeNiro, Billy Crystal, and the ghost of Marlon Brando, the movie focuses on the life of Paul Vitti, an insane gangster who starts singing West Side Story while in Sing-Sing (Hahahahahahahaha! The director is so funny!). He successfully manages to beat up a giant black guy with a shank using a plastic tray and Clint Eastwood's head while singing the Maria song. Crystal promptly goes comatose and is abducted, Michael Jackson style by Billy Crystal, who apparently loves him. The plot digresses rapidly, with Vitti making enough sex jokes to make Comedy Central sound like they're controlled by the Republican Party.


Vitti's Return to Real Life[edit]

Crystal looks for a normal job for Vitti to do, so as to give his wife a reason to let this gangster stay with their family. Vitti ends up trying to rob the used car dealership that he is working at, and measures the size of a trunch by dead bodies for an bargain-hunting couple. Finally, he ends up working as an "advisor", for a TV crime series and is then nearly killed by a rival don. Furious, DeNiro teams up with his Mafioso pal Jelly (Joe Vittirelli), and a rival in Patti LoPresti. They kill some people at a sushi restaurant, and Vitti gets laid. They also randomly blackmail people using a crane.

Finally, the plot resurfaces from meaninglessness to Vitti's grand scheme: to rob the U.S. Treasury in New York using a city bus. So, a giant herd of Mafiosos board a bus, nearly kill each other, threaten some police, put gold in the bottom of the bus, nearly kill each other again, and then drive the bus into a rival don's warehouse, where they leave it for the cops to find.


One of the best parts of Anaylze That are the hilarious one-liners. For example: Billy Crystal: [Ben Sobel asks Paul to describe a picture of a father walking in saying good night to his wife and son lying in bed] OK, Paul. I want you to take a look at this picture and tell me what is happening.

  • Robert DeNiro: This is a picture of a guy who is a nice hard-working fellow and comes home to find his wife is in bed with a midget who she has been fucking while he has been out of town.
  • Billy Crystal: So she has been having intercourse?
  • Robert DeNiro: Yep. With a midget!


The movie ends like any other gangster movie, with the main characters meeting up on the waterfront to swear at each other.