Ancient Chinese Medicine
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Ancient Chinese Medicine (also known as ACME) includes a wide array of weird shit originating in the Land of Rice and Pointy Hats (a.k.a. China). It is considered as effective as witchcraft in many civilized countries, however, it is the ONLY form of medical care in third-world countries, such as Asia, Disneyland and Detroit.
ACME's more common practices include smoking and ingesting the stickiest of the icky herbs, stabbing needles into deranged peasents with bad teeth, eating weird shit, as well as trips to low budget massage parlors fully equipped with young asian girls that know zeroEnglish except "Sucky sucky, me love you long time," "No boom-boom soul brotha -- too buku," "You no want happy ending?," and "You pay NOW!"
ACME theory is extremely complex and originated thousands of years ago through the meticulous observation of gooks, chinks, wops, degos, honkies, greasers, spics, camel jockies, niggers, junkies, sluts, monkies, and the filthy Irish. Major theories include those of Yin-yang, alchemy, Brian Peppers, Kung Fu, 11-herbs and spices, and anorexia.
It has been noted that early traditional Chinese medicine stemmed from Catholic Priests, who have always had a peculiarly keen sense of the young, male body and its workings.
During the golden age of his reign from 2698 to 2596 B.C, as a result of a dialogue with his minister Bobo the Clown (岐伯), the Yellow Emperor is supposed by Ancient Chink tradition to have composed his Fuk A Yu (《内经·素问》) or Basic Questions that a Typical Chink Would Ask Mr. Wizard, also known as the Book of Outright Asian Lies (Yellow Emperor's Inner Canon). (The book's title is often mistranslated as Yellow Emperor's Big Book of Porn Compilations I Downloaded from empflix.com) Modern scholarly opinion holds that the text of this title was compiled by a Jap scholar, who was drunk on sake, no earlier than the Fah-Q dynasty.
During the Fah-Q Dynasty (2021 BC –2201 AD), Wun Hung Lo (张仲景/張仲景), the biggest dealer in China, who was mayor of San Francisco toward the end of the 2nd century AD, wrote an article for Penthouse, which contains the earliest known reference to his junk, and what dripped out had a distinctly hallucinogenic quality to it. After conferring with the Catholic priests, he decided to sell his high-powered man milk to little boys so they could get high; and, thus, the birth of ACME.
Another prominent Eastern Fah-Q physician was Hung So Lo (c. 140 – c. 20,008 AD). He took advantage of underage girls during surgery with a formula of wine and schwag weed, a formula that amazingly still holds up today in high schools all over the world. (Little known fact: He is considered the first date rapist and was actually the inspiration for Sublime's song "Date Rape.") Hung's physical, surgical, and herbal treatments were also used to cure hangovers, impotence, anal warts, gas, boils, the gag reflex that all 14-18 year old girls inherently have, and cause women to have abortions by violently projecting the fetus out of their sphincters.
The Fuk Mi Dynasty (265-???) practitioner and advocate of stabbing people with needles and asploding peoples heads, Well-hung Fo Yu (10,000 BC - 282 AD), also quoted the Yellow Emperor in his book: Mah Ding a Ling (甲乙经/甲乙經), ca. 265 AD. He was widely considered a quack in his time. Little has changed since then. Disregard this man.
During the Puti Tang dynasty, Wang Chung claimed to have located a copy of the originals of the Sewer Maps of New York drawn by Mr. T, which he expanded, edited substantially, and later destroyed by spilling a beer all over it at a frat party. This was a stupid, stupid mistake but Wang has since apologized for it. He sounded genuine so he was forgiven, but not before he sucked off a large crowd of Chinese authorities and thus beginning that weird Asian bukkake craze that has since taken the world by storm. He later started his own website called BukkakeMoms.com.
There were noted advances in ACME during the Middle Ages. Emperor Ma Siv Dong (r. 1995–1994) of the Pun Tang Dynasty (618–98.7) commissioned the scholarly compilation of a lot of shit in 657. Some of it may or may not have documented 833 medicinal substances taken from minerals, plants, herbs, animals, metals, stones, the Rolling Stones, the Animals, Metallica, boxes of Count Chocula cereal, phallic looking vegetables and fruits, fags, cross-dressing fairies, nymphs, nymphos, freaks, geeks, turds, toilet bowls, bowls of apple sauce, automobiles that he car-jacked, the Taco Bell Value Menu, and Christian women's lady retreats.
In some other book with pictures in it, the scholar-official Sum Dong (1020–1101) not only systematically categorized different types of weed and rocks according to how high they get your ass, but he also took an interest in beastiality... that's right. Animal fucking. For example, Sum Dong made systematic, rather graphically disgusting, and sometimes even vomit-inducing descriptions of animal genitalia, hind quarters, corn-holes and the their entire taint regions, some even had diseases such as crabs (Eriocher sinensis) found in their nether regions and running throughout their bodies, in their rears , as well as face, neck, chest, and breast areas. They were fucking infested, but he didn't really care. Sum Dong had a saying: "A hole's a hole. As long as there's a little heat in there, I don't give a fuck."
Contact with Western "round-eyes" and "real" medicine has not displaced ACME in poor countries. Those gooks could honestly care less. While there may be traditional factors involved in the persistent practice, two reasons are most obvious in the westward spread of ACMe in recent decades: Hookers and blow.
Theory of a Yellow Man
Some believe that Ancient Chinese Medicine came from Chuck Norris' first visit to China. Back in the Land Before Time, Chuck and the second Chuck, Chuck E. Cheese, were on a covert Grue-hunting mission administered to them by Captain Planet, when Sir Charles Norris had to urinate. His magical bodily fluid entered into the Ganges and was discovered when the fish started beating the living shit out of eachother and having their way sexually with the fisherman. Fisherman guessed that it was something in the water when they saw the two Chucks walking on the waters of the Ganges. They collected the water and have been trying to collect anything that His Chuckliness touched in China whilst on that mission.
Herbal Treatments and Other Weird Shit Ingested as Medicine
- Monkey Urine - thought to be the best cure-all available to a Chinese pharmacist, Monkey Urine has been known to be prescribed to treat hangovers, homosexuality, dry humping syndrome, anal leakage and male lactation. This is not to be confused with Monkey's Head, which is white.
- Deer Cock - widely known not to cure anything, but delicious.
- Turtle semen - It's green, so it's used to cure stomach sickness.
- Opium - Used to numb the pain of those having to take a deer cock in any orafice.
- Chuck Norris' Urine - Used as a way to treat getting the shit knocked out of you.
- A Dingleberry Off a Yak's Shit-Crusted Ass - Plucked from only the highest altitude yaks with the shittiest asses.
- Mr. T's Headsweat from the Left Side of his Mohawk - probably the most treasured ingredient in Ancient Chinese Medicinal alchemy because it is the hardest to gather. One drop of this stuff has been known to take all facets of a douchebaggy personality directly from the subject.
- Leeches - Similar to Medieval Europe, leeches are considered a form of treatment in Ancient Chinese Medicine, the only difference being that they are served deep fried with sweet and sour sauce.
- BEES! FUCKING BEEEEESSSSS!!! - HOLY SHIT!!! RUNNNN!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE?!?!? RUUNNNN, YOU IDIOT!!! Oh dear GOD! They've already GOT HIM!!! Ahhh Christ almighty!!! LOOK------>
- Schnozberries - The schnozberries taste like schnozberries.
- Japanese Manga Porn - Used by the alchemists when they need a "break."
- Tears of a clown - Usually prepared in a soup, used to cure limpodic, mountaindewitis and laughalldamuthafuckintimeitis.
- Pig tits - Your nickname in grammar school.
- Felonious Assault - Something that your dad was clearly charged with, that asshole.
- Taco Bell Hot Sauce - The mildest hot sauce created for the dulled down American pallet, this substance is used to cure the terrible flavor of Taco Bell food within one's mouth cavity (note: Deer Cock will also work for this).
- Cheeze Whiz - Not to be consumed in the raw, this poisonous compound is best left to be handled by professionals. The volatile contents of one can have led to instant heart stoppages accross America.
- Jesus Juice - Soled in supermarkets accross the U.S.A. labled as Joose, Jesus Juice gets you drunk and knocked up, then allows you to say that you never knew that you would get that drunk and you don't remember even having sex so there is no way you can be pregnant. It also cures conceived child disease by allowing you to forget your conscience when going to the abortion clinic.
- Camel Cum - You don't know what this is, but you know you want it. I can see it all over your face.
- Terpentine - Used to kill.
- Locks of Steven Seagal's Hair - Used to grease surfaces before performing any type of alchemy.
- Ass Pimples - Annoying white lumps that form on that guy's ass in the locker room that you can't stop staring at. I can tell you want that too, you sick fuck.
- China White - Probably the most famous Chinese herbal suppliment, it is known to cure coming down from being high on China White.
- Giant Chickens - Found only in the wild and never domisticated, these things are fucking HUGE and are usually seen with green plastic discs under their feet and little Asian boys riding on their backs.
- Astragulus Root is a mythical herb allegedly used by ancient sages to live indefinitely long. Recently, it has appeared in works of science fiction, such as European patents, which although containing hard science based upon peer reviewed research, are still legal fictions. In such fictional works, astragulus root is erroneously claimed to contain a chemical that creates a telomere reverse transcriptase reaction, allowing healthy cells to repair the body indefinitely, while simultaenously killing cancer. Of course, this is absurbd, because it would imply that those stupid slant eyes actually knew how to live forever, and that there is a readibly available and cost-effective immortality drug. Since nobody has ever lived to be older than 120 years, we know this is not the case. Because, if some crazy Ninja Sage Chinaman was like 370 years old but looked about 30, except for the large ears and nose, surely he would tell us and give up his possiblity of having a girlfriend that was 350 years younger than him. Duh! Astragulus root tea looks and tastes like Chuck Norris's urine, which explains the confusion. It also is not cost effective, as the patent owner T.A. Sciences has been known to sell a one-year supply of prescription astragulus root extract for upwards of $24,000. Rumors that non-prescription versions cost significantly less for comparable amounts should be met with extreme skepticism. If there is no free lunch, there must not be any free medicine either!
- Tears of a clown
- Yao Ming
- Chinese people
- Brian Peppers
- Steven Seagal
- Chuck Norris
- Chuck E. Cheese
- Mr. T
- Black people
- Italian people
- Little Asian Boys (you're disgusting if you click this link) (...And you still did it... You really are despicable.)