Anderson "The Spider" Silva

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The Subject of this Article is too Damn Sexy! If you saw this person it's possible that you might fall to the ground and worship him/her, or spontaneously combust from a sex drive overload.

“You want me to fight WHO?!?!?”

~ Anderson Silva's Opponents on Anderson Silva

“Oh, not again...”

~ Jim "Rich Franklin" Carrey on Anderson Silva

“That kid's alright.”

~ Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris on Anderson Silva

“I'm gonna teach this guy a lesson and show him why we have weight classes in the UFC.”

~ James Irvin shortly before being knocked unconcious via punch to the face by Anderson Silva on Anderson Silva

http://www.cagetoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/anderson-silva-ufc-82.jpg

Anderson Silva, also known by his alias and ring name "The Spider" (or alternatively, "The Almighty Devastator" given to him during his days spent as a tribal death god) is a world-famous performance artist, professional fighter, and agent of Treadstone. Silva was born in an undisclosed Brazilian government testing facility somewhere near the Amazon river basin sometime in 1975 (Silva's true age is unknown to this day, though carbon dating will show that he is possibly near the age of 97, scientists have passed this off as "...impossible"). Today, he has acquired world-wide fame for his mastery of the fine art of human dismemberment. His masterpieces of performance art are often carried out within the confines of a four or eight sided cage or ring. He is responsible for such classic pieces as "The Fall of a Rising Star" at UFC Fight Night Live 14, "Unressurecting The Champ" and it's equally loved sequel, both carried out with his favorite artistic medium, Rich "Ace" Franklin (better known by his stage name, Jim Carrey).

Silva is world-reknown for his masterpieces in pain and destruction, considered by many to be an artistic visionary who will one day join the ranks of Michelangelo and Raphael (both as an artist and possible reincarnated Adolescent Mutated Assassin Reptilians). His work tells a message of a world at strife with itself, and a hope for a more peaceful time after all of man has been exterminated personally by his hand. He is a life long lover of art, particularly the martial arts. He is currently under the employment of the U.F.C. and is their reigning middleweight champion. He also holds the prestige of being the current "King of Fighters", and has also earned the title "King of the Iron Fist" after defeating the former reigning champion, Lucifer Morningstar. The official descesion was ruled "victory by superior domination" after Silva repeatedly sodomized the Father of All Lies with his own severed arm. It would have been submission had Satan not fallen unconcious after the initial arm severing.

Contents 1 Conception and Early Life 2 Teen Years and Traditional Training 3 Adulthood and Fighting Career 4 Silva as Champion and Agent of Destruction 5 Photographic Evidence of Mission Accomplishments

[edit] Conception and Early Life

Little information is known about who or what birthed Anderson Silva. Many allegations lead to the theory that Silva was genetically engineered by the Brazilian government in order to combat or mimic Russian combat machine, Fedor Emalienenko. Many would consider Silva a success if this were the case, however, fear of being convicted of war crimes have kept the Brazilian government from taking credit for the creation of Silva.

By Silva's own recollection, the first thing he remembers is a great explosion. After arousing from said explosion, he found that his body had been recovered by a family of Goliath Birdeater Spiders. Silva from then on was taken in as one of their own and raised in the way of the arachnid. It was during this period in his childhood that he gained his spider-like strength, agility, speed, and some would say, an uncanny knack for predicting trouble. It is also a little known fact that Silva is a skilled weaver, learned in this period of his life.

In the year of 1986, when Silva is predicted to have been near the age of 12, his family's habitat was destroyed by loggers. In a fit of rage at the loss of his family, the adolescent Silva commensed to systematically murder each of the loggers. To this day, the twelve Brazilian loggers have yet to be seen or heard from, their bodies were never recovered. After giving his spider family a proper burial, Silva began to wander towards the west. He soon found himself stumbling upon the town of Muritiba. Initially terrified by the amount of humans, Silva began another killing rampage, massacering a fifth of the city's population in an unstoppable, feral rage before being subdued by two twin brothers named Rodrigo and Rogerio Noguiera. The Brazilian warrior-brothers, impressed by Silva's primal killing abilities, took the boy under their wing and taught him to focus his murderous instincts through martial arts. This act would lead to the Nogueira brothers being directly linked to thousands of murders to come.

[edit] Teen Years and Traditional Training

The Nogueira brothers would soon learn that their young protege came stock with a preset mastery of the striking martial arts, something which was rumored to be written into the boys DNA by the government. This art was supposedly honed further by the Goliath spiders which raised Silva. This was proven time and again when Silva on more than one occassion, caved in the faces of men who irritated the young Brazilian with punches, kicks, elbows, knees, and even pelvic thrusts. The benevolent Nogueira brothers decided to further the young Silva's martial arts education in a different direction, teaching him in the most deadly of grappling styles, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Much to the suprise of the brothers, Silva absorbed the information like a sponge and mastered the near-decade required information and skills of black belt Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in a single Friday afternoon.

They also taught the feral young man how to speak passable Portuguese and how to pick up the ladies (a skill which the burgeoning fighter took to with suprising ease). The brothers also managed to teach the easily angered Silva restraint by introducing to him the films of Bruce Lee and the comic books of Spider-Man. Silva would find a deep-rooted connection to both, and would look to them as life long influences and heroes from then on. Inspired by Bruce Lee's unbridled killing abilities and Spider-Man's spiderness, Silva learned life lessons and to deal with his anger issues over the loss of his family, and that "with great power, comes great responsibility".

Silva took this to mean a responsibility to create works of art like the world had never seen before. His paint brush, his fists, his canvas, the bodies of those brave enough to face him. His medium, mixed martial arts.

[edit] Adulthood and Fighting Career

After a short stint of art education at Muritiba Institute of the Fine Arts, Silva began searching for a legal forum where he may express himself. He found early employment in the land of the rising sun, where he would lay out a ground work for his later, more popular works. Footage of his now classic early pieces is highly valued amongst fine arts collectors, showing hints of genius. These early depictions of slaughter and destruction would earn him the Shooto middleweight title, as well as his first King of Fighters tournament. Soon, Silva was invited to fight in the Pride Fighting Championships where he would go on to (literally) paint the ring canvas red with masterpieces of eradication. He did however, recieve criticism when his more commercialized piece, "The Hero Falls" when he allowed himself to be miraculously heel-hooked and defeated by a lesser known fighter Ryo "The Holy Mackarel" Chonan. Silva was quick to apologize to his fans and critics alike, blaming his slight marijuana habit for the alteration of his work. He has since paved a path of beauty.

After his last fight in Pride FC, Silva felt he should retire at his peak and pursue other artistic ventures. Anderson picked up sculpting with human remains (a strict enviromentalist, Silva believed in recycling what was left of his former opponents). However, Silva's time in peace was short lived as he was recruited by the secret agency Treadstone. His first mission as a rookie assassin was a seek and destroy mission for the head of a man named Chris "The Crippler" Leben, a native-born American secessionist and professional mixed martial artist in the UFC. Silva was instructed to make it all "look like an accident". Silva summarily got himself hired by Dana White of the UFC and carried out the destruction of Chris Leben in front of a national TV audience at a Las Vegas Hard Rock Cafe. The assassination was a rousing success, and elevated Silva to both senior agent within Treadstone and number one contender for the UFC middleweight title.

Ironically, the next man on Treadstone's shit-list happened to be famed actor Jim Carrey when he was disappointed by the film Yes Man. Jim Carrey had gone through minor identity altering surgery and taken up the sport of mixed martial arts. He'd earned himself the UFC middleweight title under the alias Rich "Ace" Franklin and found minor success. Treadstone was quick to realize the formerly comedic actor's position and had their in-field agent handle it. However, Carrey had suspected the agency had found him, and paid referee "Enormous" John McCarthy to ensure his safety. On the day of the match, Silva entered the ring with death on his mind. After the initial pre-kill domination of Carrey (a tactic used by Silva to break the will to live in his targets), Silva went for the final knee strike to the face of Carrey (or Franklin, as known to the world at that time) but he wisely fell over 'unconcious', the sign which allowed the paid-off ref to call the fight for Silva. This would be a bitter sweet victory, as Silva had then won the middleweight championship in the world's greatest martial arts tournament, but had also failed his mission to end the life of Jim Carrey.

Silva returned to his superiors at Treadstone humiliated, this being the first time he'd ever failed to take the life of a man he'd intended to kill. However, Silva (much to his joy) was given a second chance to kill Carrey. However, he'd have to wait for the proper time, when the actor/fighter would undoubtedly look for revenge and to reclaim his title. Silva was instructed to continue his run as middleweight champion. By doing so, Silva would face wave after wave of Jim Carrey's assassins who, under the guise of challengers of the title, would come for Silva's life.

[edit] Silva as Champion and Agent of Destruction

As middleweight champion, Silva would face two of Jim Carrey's most powerful servants. First came Brazilian Jiu Jitsu master Travis Lutter, who had entered (and won) the "Ultimate Fighter" tournament with the express intent of gaining access to Silva. What he did not expect was Silva's past with the Nogeuira brothers and his target's own mastery of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Lutter would be humiliated at UFC 67, being defeated by Silva with the very style the man so liberaly flaunted. After being defeated by triangle choke, Lutter was ordred to commit seppuku by his master, Jim Carrey. Silva, still champion, awaited Carrey's next assassin. This came in the form of the much feared and famous reigning "King of Fighters" Nate Marquadt. Silva, whom had abandoned his post as King of Fighters after retiring from fighting earlier, was excited to not only dispose of another one of Carrey's assassins, but also regain his former title. The official decesion for the fight read "victory by superior domination" for Silva, as he proceeded to knock Marquadt to the floor and, in the words of witnesses "beat him in the fucking head alot". Again, Silva retained his title, regained the name "King of Fighters", and another one of Carrey's servants was forced to commit ritual suicide.

After the failings of his most trusted and powerful henchmen, Jim Carrey decided that it was time he got revenge personally. Entering the octagon once more, Franklin tore through the ranks of his competitors to once again face Silva, for revenge and to regain his title. On October 2007, neither of those things happened, as Silva was finally allowed to destroy Carrey as he had intended the year before. After repeated knees to the face, Silva was pulled off of Franklin once again before the finishing blow. However, unable to cope with defeat once again, Jim Carrey proceeded to commit hara-kiri there on the octagon floor before Silva. Appreciating the honor of this gesture, Silva decapitated Carrey (Franklin) after the initial belly slash and cremated his body. Silva later presented the head of Carrey to his superiors at Treadstone.

With his victory over Jim Carrey, Silva became an international target. He became a particular target of his former employer, Pride FC, who had recently entered a partnership with his current employer the UFC. Wishing to end the animosity between champion and partner, the UFC allowed Pride to send a champion of their choosing to face Silva. With smiles on their faces, the shadowy leaders of Pride sent their reigning champion "Dangerous" Dan Henderson to face Silva. Henderson, a warrior known for his ugly fighting style and equally ugly facial features, faced Silva March 2008. At first, it looked as though the handsome-impaired Pride warrior would be victorious. But then "The Spider" woke up from his slumber and preceded to fold "Dangerously Ugly" Dan up like an old wallet.

Victorious once again, Silva was safe from further retaliation from the Pride FC and still retained his titles, gaining yet another from his fallen opponent. However, new orders soon arrived from Treadstone. Recently, native seccessionist and assosciate of Chris Leben, Forrest "Crazy Ears" Griffin had defeated former lightheavyweight champion "Rampage" Jackson. Griffin planned to use the influence bestowed upon him by the title to rally all of the Southern United States and start a new Civil War. Treadstone put Silva on the job. However, a challenge was presented to Silva. Griffin, being in a weight-class above Silva, would be a difficult opponent to reach. After putting on the proper pounds, Silva would face the first of his lightheavyweight challengers, one James "Sleepy Time" Irvin, a henchman of Griffin's who had mastered the dim-mak death touch, and employed it several times in the ring with great success. Many said that this would Silva's greatest challenge to date, and even bred many doubters amongst the martial arts community of Silva's ability.

After much hype for the fight, Silva traveled to America once again to face Irvin in Mortal Kombat in front of a nationally televised audience. Amongst an audience of millions, the fight commenced with great anticipation. The fight was then ended when Silva, after catching one of his opponents side kicks, in the words of several witnesses "...punched Irvin in the god damn face", knocking the fighter unconcious instantly. Victorious, Silva babbled on in Portuguese for several minutes before giving a final bow to the audience and breaking Irvin's neck for good measure.

Silva now awaits his next opponent.

[edit] Photographic Evidence of Mission Accomplishments

Franklin Mission 1 http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/816/richfranklinnose2iu7.jpg

Lutter Mission http://assets.espn.go.com/photo/2008/0428/mma_silva_lutter_300.jpg

Marquadt Mission http://www.newsday.com/media/photo/2007-07/31162034.jpg

Franklin Mission 2 http://theufcresults.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/anderson_champ.jpg

Henderson Mission http://blogs.starbulletin.com/fightingwords/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/silvahendo.jpg

Irvin Mission http://media.ufc.tv/i.cfc?method=get&w=550&cs=1&s=3EBF4801-1422-0E8C-9A7E87E9B182FE13.jpg