Andrew Johns

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“You know him, don't you, Tamia?

Andrew Johns is a drug addict from Newcastle, NSW. When not high, he is rumoured to play football and attempt humour on the Footy Show.

Early Career[edit]

Having played soccer as a young boy, his ever-growing buttocks saw him give up emulating his hero, George Best, and turn to a more physical sport, Rugby League. A slow learner, Johns finally captained the Cessnock Goannas Under 8's at the age of 36.

Siblings[edit]

Brother Matthew Johns, represented Newcastle, Australia and NSW. When not playing Rugby League, he can be found committing incestuous, servile sexual acts with his brother as well as getting away with urinating on a female patron at the Barb Wire Ball at the Newcastle Workers club (aka Panthers). Disgusting.

1995-2000[edit]

1995 saw Andy picked to represent NSW in the State Of Origin competition. 1996 saw a tired Johns take a holiday at the end of the season to the Phillipines, which he claims was for surfing. 1997 saw Andy win the ARL competition after playing with two broken lower ribs and throwing the final pass for Darren Albert to score and win the game in the dying seconds

2001-2005[edit]

Winning the competition again in 2001 saw Joey Johns steal the Clive Churchill Medal from Ben Kennedy with an inspiring captain's performance that saw Newcastle defeat Parramatta in the first grand final played at night.

2006[edit]

2006 saw speculation that Andy would play for NSW in a Twenty20 game of cricket. The public again were perplexed. Johns reported that he cannot bat or bowl very well. It was argued that Johns was overqualified for the NSW team. It seems that the whole affair was to boost Johns' profile.

2007[edit]

The start of the 2007 campaign saw a head-high shot by Sonny Bill Williams knock Johns out in the round one game at Newcastle Oval. Security at the ground had to hold Andrew's brother, Matty, back -- or he would almost certainly tried to protect his brother by slapping Sonny Bill.

Caught with drugs[edit]

After his retirement, Andrew was arrested in London for possession of the illegal drug ecstasy. His first excuse of someone putting in his pocket was, frankly, bullshit. "Hey, someone put drugs in my pocket, I will do something about that later." Yeah right Joey. Pull the other one. Joey is now openly a regular drug user, and often attends Newcastle games while off his face on speed as well as various other narcotics.

Awards[edit]

  • 1999-03: Largest Arse
  • 2005: Biggest Whinger
  • 2006: Unfunniest performance on the Footy Show