Angel: The Series

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The original cast, David Boreanez as Angel, The Taco Bell Chihuahua as Cordy, and Sprout as himself.

“I've only met one vampire, Dracula, and he was just way too hairy for my taste. Apparently I was too fruity for his. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vampires

A spinoff of the wildly successful Charlie's Angels, Angel: The Series became one of the highest rated television programs in the history, right behind Punky Brewster and Firefly. The title character was the sole male member of Charlie's Angels. Sabrina Duncan, the butchest member of the drop dead gorgeous, ass kicking trio was played by Grammy winning actress Kate Jackson, who actually was Chuck Norris in drag. Chuck Norris also provided the voice of Charlie (Charlie is short for Charles, as is Chuck, in case you were a moron and did not know this), and not John Forsythe as popularly believed.

But before this article gets off topic, Angel was completely rewritten as a vehicle for Tom Cruise, who loved being a vampire so much in Interview with a Vampire and having homosexual relations with Brad Pitt, he wanted to do a TV show so he could do it everyday (pretend to be a vampire that is). But then Cruise became a Scientologist, who don't believe in vampires, or anything for that matter, so David Boreanaz stepped in and filled the roll with raspberry filling.

Joss Whedon, a notoriously unoriginal vampire himself, killed the writers of the show, stole the pilot script and combined it haphazardly with his fledgling Buffy the Vampire Slayer series (not to be confused by the soft core porn flick Buffy the Vampire Layer starring Kristy 'Chicken Tenders' Swanson and Luke 'I want to be a Toys 'r' Us Kid' Perry). Three years later, Buffy was killed, again, and Angel got his own series, finally, on HBO.

The actors who portrayed Angel, George Reeves, Keanu Reeves, and Christopher Reeve.

The Premise[edit]

Angel was once again rewritten, and the vampire was given soul. He moved to LA (Los Angeles, Spanish for: the City of One Single Taxpaying Resident Angel) and became a poorly received jazz musician. Thankfully this hot brunette named Cordelia 'Chew Your Ass Out' Chase he knew (but had yet to bang) showed up and along with the Jolly Green Giant nephew Sprout, and they all decided to open up a detective agency. When Sprout sacrificed himself to save a bunch of cans of creamed corn, Cordelia (aka Crody) had his frozen sperm invetro fertilized into her head. Then she started having prophetic visions from the Bowers That Pee. The Bowers chose the vampire Angel to be their 'Chumpion' so that he could save random losers from being mugged on the streets. Angel reluctantly agreed, because he sucked anus at being a detective and was able to use saving people's lives as a tax write off.

Season 1[edit]

Angel turned human and knocked up his soul mate Buffy, but had to turn back time so he could save her life from the Nazis, even though it turned out to be entirely unnecessary. After Sprout died, the rogue demon hunter MacGyver took his place, but was eaten by Sidney from Little Shop of Horrors, so they cloned Giles from Buffy and renamed him Wesley. Then Ronald McDonald, playing a lawyer in the law firm Coyotebighornsheep & Deer, resurrected Angel's sire, and fellow Charlie Angel, Farrah Fawcett.

Season 1 1/2[edit]

Merl the Lovable Snitch, as played without any makeup by none other than Tom Cruise.

Another spinoff was made for the minor, but enormously popular character, Merl the Snitch, a parasite demon who narcs on other demons if you pay him or threaten to beat him up. Originally intended to be a mid season replacement for Angel, which was doing so well in the ratings but HBO wanted to cancel to free up for some soppy soap opera called The Sopranos, viewers protested via sending mail bombs, and all 234 three second episodes were aired as part of Angel's continuity. Merl was slaughtered in the same drive by shooting that claimed the life of noted LA resident demon Tupac Shakur, as well as that of Buffy Summers.

Season 2[edit]

Angel recruited the Crips leader Charles Gunn after being impressed by his skills as a marksman in the drive by that killed his best friend Merl. Farrah Fawcett raped Angel, got pregnant with the Antichrist, and then accidentally miscarried after doing the Electric Slide. Angel, Cordy, Wesley and Gunn all took a field trip to the hell dimension of Angel's therapist, Lorne. There they rescued the modern age Shirley Temple, Fred 'Winifred' Burkle, played by the incredible edible Amy Acker, and then came back to find out Buffy died again.

Season 3[edit]

Farrah Fawcett shows up after using the last of Sprouts frozen sperm to pass off a new baby as Angel's son, and tries to get him to pay child support. When he refuses, noting that his agency never actually makes any money, she kills herself, and somehow Angel is left with the kid anyway, so he names him Steven. Giles' clone prophesizes his son as the Second Coming, so Angel gives the baby away to his arch nemisis, Buffalo Bill, but the guy shows up a week later with a teenage Steven, who calls himself Connor. Angel still refused to pay child support, so Connor stuck his dad in a cage and sunk him to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. And not that he cared, but someone also left him a voice mail that Buffy had perished yet again.

Season 4[edit]

The Second Coming finally occurs, and Angel is rescued from the sea by the Rapture, only to be left behind because Jesus got tired after carrying him all the way back to the ocean surface. So Angel and his friends are left to face the Tribulation, the Beast, and eventually the Antichrist, Jasmine, from Disney's Aladdin. It turns out she's actually Cordelia's kid with Angel's bastard son Connor, but Angel finally got a DNA test and proved Connor wasn't his, and saved the world proving he wasn't responsible for Armageddon on a crossover episode of LA Law. Buffy was sentenced to death in the very same episode, and was summarily burned at the stake after ironically being mistaken for a witch.

Season 5[edit]

Amy Acker wants you to take a bite out of crime, prevent forest fires, AND join the US army. If you do she'll give you a hug.

Angel was so good that McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuza hired him to be their new CEO. He gave all his friends cushy jobs, except Cordelia, whom to paid Tony Soprano to whack on a special crossover episode of Six Feet Under after he found out she lied when she said she loved him. A third Charlie's Angel alumn joined the cast, when William the Bosley, aka Spike, got tired of pursuing the constantly croaking Buffy Summers and moved to LA. Angel got turned into a Muppet for the majority of the season, until Harry Hamlin tried to tear out his stuffing. The show's most popular character, Fred, was the only one to survive the show's series finale (Buffy even made a cameo, and of course was killed in action, again). Amy Acker joined the cast of Alias, where she played a groupie of the Blue Man Group named Illyria.