Anglo-Saxon (modern)

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Kenny G., unholy god of the Anglo-Saxons

From their conception in yon times of yore, the Anglo-Saxons have wreaked terror upon the hearts and minds and souls of the world. These white saxophone players are known throughout the globe for their genetic tendencies towards hatred and playa-hating. Their pale skin and clearly funkless sense of music separates them from the rest of society, and this is the cause of their deep-rooted animosity.

The Angles[edit]

Long believed to be a mere intersection of lines within a plane, the Angles made their first physical appearance in the events leading to the fall of the Roman Empire, their pale flesh blinding defenders thus enabling their crude and barbaric tactics to wield their crude clubs and maces of damage across the helms and faces and necks of the elite Roman military. Then Julian became a Zulu warrior, and ate a crazed donkey, who fought him in rojambo.

Wars raged on for several millennia, as the Roman Empire squandered its wealth more so on bread and circuses than on better warfare techniques. As the battles between Rome and The Angles came to a head - a big, shiny, balding white head - it finally looked as though the Romans might pull through this disaster, with their wailing trumpeters leading the troops into battle, their morale rising with every brass blast.

To compete against the onslaught of newly moralised Roman troops via brazen trumpet sounding, The Angles conferred in secret with their barbaric neighbours, The Saxons. Through years of research, the two cultures contrived a device so potentially ear shattering, it left its victims helpless and deaf, thus forcing them into a life of reading from that point on, unable to hear another word.

The instrument, later dubbed a read (or reed) instrument, was at that point called a Saxon-trumpet. Its barrage upon the ears of the Roman soldiers brought a nigh-endless suffering to the Roman Empire and lost them many a critical battle during the Roman Empire's fall. The Roman trumpets were no match for the crude and maliciously conceived Saxon-trumpets.

Thus this unholy alliance of the Angles and the Saxons brought the Roman Empire to its demise. So the Angles and Saxons decided to team up for the rest of eternity.

The Anglo-Saxons[edit]

Trillions of years later, in the early 1900's, the Angles and the Saxons, now called the Anglo-Saxons, made their presence known yet again. The saxophone had finally been tamed, much to their dismay, by African Americans living in the Midwest of the United States for the purpose of blues.

The Anglo-Saxon alliance was greatly dismayed by this, finding their timeless weapon rendered useless by polyrhythmic atonal melodies and depression-strewn harmonic dissonance. Thus began the second attack of the Anglo-Saxons upon the world.

Light Jazz[edit]

Light jazz. The term itself strikes terror into the hearts of even today's children. Begat in the demonic cauldrons of big band, carried down corridors of light rock in the arms of heretics such as John Tesh and Phil Collins, having been thrown into the lake of infinite hellish demise and having crawled out unscathed, this auditory devil-spawn wreaks damage upon the ears on radio stations and in shopping malls worldwide, its mission spearheaded by the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse Kenny G., an eternal hell child of times before the dawn of the humans.

Some theorise this aural pestilence will come to an end in the year 2012, but others disagree. Beyond that, not much can be proven about these death-pale blowers of reeds. Hopefully the human race can survive their seemingly never-ending onslaught.


Anglo-Saxons have not yet figured out what the meaning of the word music really is. They do not seem to understand that a chronograph is not a type of fourth leg.

Intellectual prowess[edit]

Further information on: Yahoo! Answers

The current anglo-saxon dominates everything from the field of science and technology to common sense, and so anything unattainable by his or her brain is either metaphorical, freakey, or oriental.