The Angry Video Game Nerd
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“Dammit! What the ass-fuck?! These games suck diarrhea monkey fuck!”
~ Oscar Wilde on NES Games. And Tourette's Syndrome.
“I would rather do something horrible and disgusting than play this game.”
~ The Angry Video Game Nerd on The only line of dialogue in any episode of The Angry Video Game Nerd.
“Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. DAMN IT! Why won't you Angry Video Game Nerd fan boys leave me alone! I got comment after comment calling me the AVGN rip off. Well, listen Angry Nerd you better stop them or else......... I haven't thought of anything yet but, IT'LL BE BAD. Mark my words nerd! It will be bad! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.”
~ Nostalgia Critic on Angry Video Game Nerd
“Who??? Oh, that guy I ripped off!”
~ Irate Gamer on Angry Video Game Nerd
“I've just read this article and I must say, it's fucking retarded! I mean, why are there no fucking pictures? This is a Wiki-article for fuck's sake - the least you could expect from any half-decent article on any Wiki-based website is just one goddamn picture. What the hell was the author thinking?! It's like they thought "Hey, let's make this the most fucking boring article to look at in all of Uncyclopedia". It just sucks. And the next thing you notice when reading this article is that there are NO edit section buttons. I mean, did the contributors even stop for a second to think about that little detail? Well, there is an edit button at the very top of the page, I mean, when I am at the bottom of this shit article, do i really need to scroll at the top of the page? It's a waste of fucking time and It's super kala fucking annoying! A sectional edit button would make it a lot easier to edit this piece of shit article, but no, the developers just had throw in that stupid crap. And about that table of contents box up here - why does it have to have gray background? I mean, there's like 10 million colors that the human eye can see - why pick the single most boring color variation ever? Couldn't they just have made the ToC background, like, yellow? That would be a lot cooler. And why the Hell do I have to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the article to see the only actually redeeming part of this, namely, the links to my stuff? They should have put that in the beginning instead. Then I wouldn't have to read through this piece of shit article just to see the only thing good about it! I mean, do I really have to scroll through an actual list of my reviews without a single fucking joke thrown in? Is this a humor website or fucking what? I recommend you don't read this article, I just saved you guys from reading one of the WORST pieces of crap here in Uncyclopedia! If you do read it, Your brain will explode half an hour later from its shittyness This article is diarrhea Coming out of my dick, this article is as appealing as a dirty fucking, ooze infected sewer rat shit, I've had more fun playing with dog turds!!! Your Mom is my ass and YOUR FACE is my balls, this article is an inside out asshole regurgitated with putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs outta my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus!!!! I'D RATHER FUCKING BLOW LEPRECHAUNS!!!! IT SUCKING FUCKS, IT FUCKING SUCKS, IT FUCKING BLOWS, ITS A PIECE OF SHIT, and I don't like it....”
~ Angry Video Game Nerd on reviewing this article
“I don't like your attitude, James...you're a potty mouth.”
“NNEEERRRRRRD!!.”
~ Nostalgia Critic on AVGN
The Angry Video Game Nerd was born James N. Nerdswell in Assington, New Jersey in a shithole of a hospital. He proved a difficult birth for his mother, who made repeated requests to "get this fucking clump of donkey shit out of me" while giving lewd gestures to the doctor, who succeeded in calming her by giving her two bottles of Rolling Rock through a beer bong. When James finally came sliding out of his mother's womb, his father is said to have exclaimed "Holy fuckwad!" in surprise, as baby James was actually born wearing his trademark glasses and pocket protector.
Contents |
Infanthood
According to his mother, James' first word was "fuck-balls", his second was "ass-puke", and his third was "shit load of fuck". He proved a handful to his parents, often berating the food they served him as a "pile of diarrhea vomit coming out of a unicorn's dickhole" and refusing to eat it. The only think he seemed to accept was Rolling Rock beer, chilled and served in a baby bottle. His father recounts that baby James was strongly adverse to wearing soiled diapers, and would often call out "Is somebody gonna take off this sack of festering shit you strapped to my waist?" until someone would change him.
Youth and discovery of Nintendo
On Christmas of 1985, James received a Nintendo Entertainment System, and shouted hysterically "NINTENDO SIXTY-FOUR!!!!!!" as he removed the wrapping and discovered in fact it was not a Nintendo Sixty-Four, it was a Nintendo Entertainment System.
The next five years of his childhood were spent trying to land the plane in NES Top Gun. To this day he has never succeeded. Many sources claim to have seen video proof of James landing the Top Gun plane with the highly successful and completely reliable Nintendo Accessory "The Power Glove", but the video in question was found to be a complete forgery. Seriously, who the fuck can land the plane in Top Gun, let alone with the Power Glove?
School days
In junior high and high school, James would be sent to the principals office repeatedly for explicit criticism of his teachers ("Your teaching is total ass! I'd rather stick my face in a pile of elephant feces while having shit-aliens probe me up the ass than take your fucking classes!") and was suspended twice for possession and consumption of alcohol on the school premises. Yet, James excelled in all academic classes and was well on his way to becoming his class's valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA. However, his English class would prove to be his downfall, as his teacher would deduct points for every time he used the words "fuck" or "shit", often resulting in a negative score. James ended up graduating dead last with a -12.7 GPA.
Sometimes James has apparently been seen shoving his crappy Atari 5200 controllers up classmates arses in the bathroom, but this has yet to be confirmed.
AVGN today
Today James can be found on viral videos taking you back to the past while playing shitty games that suck ass while saying he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear or eat a road-killed skunk's asshole and down that with his favorite beer, rolling rock.
Games Shitloads and or pieces of fuck/shit he has reviewed
- Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (NES)
- Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (NES)
- Karate Kid (NES)
Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit?Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (NES)- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (Movies)
- Back to the Future (NES)
- Also includes a review of Back to the Future 2 & 3 for NES.
- M.C. Kids (NES)
- Wally Bear and the NO! Gang (NES)
- Master Chu & the Drunkard Hu (NES)
- Top Gun (NES)
- Also includes a review of Top Gun: The Second Mission for NES.
- Double Dragon 3 (NES)
- Friday the 13th (NES)
Boo! Haunted House!A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES)- Nintendo Power Glove by Mattel
- Rocky (Sega Master System)
- A Bible Games holiday special with:
- Bible Adventures (NES)
- Bible Buffet (NES)
Super 3-D Fuck FartsSuper Noah's Ark 3-D (SNES)- Book of Genesis (Sega Genesis)
- King of Kings (NES)
- Atari 5200
- A 3-part Ghostbusters special with:
- Ghostbusters (NES, Atari 2600, & Sega Master System)
- Ghostbusters 2 (NES)
- Ghostbusters (Sega Genesis, different game than other Ghostbusters game)
- A Spider-Man special with:
- Spider-Man (Atari 2600)
- Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister
ShitSix (NES) - The Amazing Spider-Man (Game Boy)
- Spider-Man 2 (Game Boy Advance)
- Sega CD
- Sega 32X
- Silver Surfer (NES)
- Die Hard (NES)
- Independence Day (PS1)
- A Simpsons double feature with:
- The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants (NES)
- The Simpsons: Bart vs. the World (NES)
- Home Alone (NES)
Bugs Bunny's Birthday BeatingBugs Bunny's Birthday Blow-out (NES)- Atari 2600 porno games
- Nintendo Power magazine retrospective
- Addams Family: Fester's Quest (NES)
- Also includes a review of Addams Family Values for Sega Genesis.
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Atari 2600)
- Friday the 13th COMMENTARY
- Halloween (Atari 2600)
- Also includes a review of Haunted House for Atari 2600.
- Frankenstein for Atari 2600.
- Dragon's Lair (NES)
- A 2-part Christmas Carol special with:
- Home Alone 2 (NES)
- Shaq Fu (SNES)
- Far Cry Vengeance( Wii)
- Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz (Wii)
- Boogie (Wii)
- Rambo (NES) and Sega Master System and other versions
- Virtual Boy
- The Wizard of Oz (SNES)
- A Double Vision special with 2 consoles:
- Intellivision
- Colecovision
- A Double Review that contains:
- The Wizard (Movies)
- Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES) which is made by Satan!!!!!
- NES Accessories (Most of them except that Robot).
- The Indiana Jones Trilogy (4 games in the one review)
- Star Trek (Live Long and Prosper)
- Superman (Atari and NES and Commondore 64)
- Superman 64 (the shittest of them all!)
- Batman
- Ricky 1 (A special video review for the Nostalgia
ShitCritic) - More Batman
- Deadly Towers (NES)
- Battletoads (NES)
- Dick Tracy (NES)
- Nothing (For a month) (Gizmondo)
- Dracula
- Frankenstein
- Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (Sega Genesis)
