Anguirus

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“Anguirus has been my wing man for many years. We've had our ups and downs, but we've pulled through in the end. Although his search for his true parents continues however. We think it may have been Gamera and Baragon.”

~ Godzilla on Anguirus

“...he's not my son...”

~ Gamera on being Anguirus' father

“...he's not mine either...”

~ Baragon on being Anguirus' father...or mother

“He's not my-oh wait...”

~ Godzilla on being Anguirus' father then realizing he didn't have anything to do with his creation

Anguirus was the second of the giant Toho monsters discovered and the worlds largest pin cushion. He's part of the monster order called kaiju. These monsters began with Godzilla and have expanded since into a menagerie of horrors and abominations to humanity. Anguirus is the second species and the third ever monster, falling into this place after the second Godzilla. He is best described as the result of a giant dog having butt sex with a Triceratops which had butt sex with an Ankylosaurus and the results having buttsex with an armadillo.

Anguirus' voice can shatter glass (and just abouts anything. Rather than be in the opera business, he uses it for his natural kaiju urge of destruction. He's also the primary kaiju used in the game of Anguirus Ball. Anguirus is prideful of being a kaiju and has been promoted to the number one warlord of all Japan by his lifelong friend, Godzilla.

History[edit]

After the first Godzilla was killed using a plot device for a later film (Godzilla vs. Destoroyah), Anguirus was awoken by a nuclear bomb. He used his mighty voice to tell them to shut the fuck up and set off into the strange new world. Taking refuge on an island, he lived a fairly peaceful existence, watching the Cold War progress when Godzilla, who had been out for a few days, came back to his home to find someone sitting in his couch. Enraged, Godzilla attacked Anguirus and the two began to attempt pro wrestling. As it turns out, the warnings given not to try it at home were very wise, as the two ended up tumbling off the island into the ocean.

Anguirus eventually got lost, since unlike Godzilla, he wasn't much of a water creature. As such, Godzilla arrived at Osaka first. Anguirus damned his luck in that he lost the bet they'd made in the water of who'd reach Osaka first. The two engaged in fierce battle, though Anguirus foolishly attempted his pro wrestling again. Godzilla took him and the Osaka castle down, much to the dismay of tourists and Osakans alike. Anguirus was about to use his mighty voice to sing Godzilla into submission, but failed when Godzilla throttled him to death with his jaws. Anguirus' corpse was set on fire, cause Godzilla is a pyromaniac. His corpse was taken by the sea and eventually washed up on Ogasawara Island, otherwise known as Monster Island.

Resurrection

Anguirus suddenly woke up on Monster Island to find it is the year 1999 and all the worlds monsters, all of whom he'd never seen before save Godzilla, had been gathered here for the safety of mankind. On top of all that, there were major plot holes. Godzilla proceeded to apologize and join forces with Anguirus and his fellow monsters to bust out and Destroy All Mankind. Help came in the form of an alien group called the Kilaak who just so happened love destroying stuff and helped them out to wreak havoc on the world. Of course, then the monsters tried to destroy the Kilaak after the world was left in ruin.

To counter this, the Kilaak sent King Ghidorah, their three headed candy pooping dragon, to stop them. Although, when you send a monster with three heads against over ten monsters, the odds are kind of stacked against you. Anguirus bit into Ghidorah's neck and used it as a chew toy until he suddenly snapped out of his natural frenzy to the reality he had fallen into a huge crater and become paralyzed. By the time Anguirus' spine jostled back into place, Ghidorah was dead and all the monster fugitives were being herded back to Monster Island. Of course, Anguirus and Godzilla escaped through a time portal to fix the plot hole problems and came back to the year of 1968. Godzilla proceeded to find a way to get rid of his retarded son Minya, leaving Anguirus to make his own way in the world.

1970's

After an unsuccessful business in paleontology (he buried the bones after he found them you see), Anguirus was rounded up with all the Earth's monsters to be put into Monster Island. Fortunately, this time the year was 1972 and it was back when they first established Monster Island. Godzilla and Anguirus were enjoying Godzilla's story of how he finally got rid of Minya (he gave him to the original Gamera for his child fetishes) when they heard an annoying radio message play. It began to annoy them, so they decided to go Destroy All Radio Transmitters.

This campaign never took place. Instead, the first place they went to initiate it was where the signal came from. King Ghidorah was there, having not been killed yet since it wasn't 1999 anymore. There was another monster, a bird ninja robot cyborg with big metal claws for hands called Gigan. The ensuing battle was not pretty. Gigan was fowled for cutting Anguirus' snout with his buzzsaw after Anguirus made fun of the fact he couldn't masturbate with those claws and the alien team was ultimately disqualified for using a cheap imitation tower of Godzilla that fired laser beams.

Anguirus' next crisis caused him to campaign against nuclear tests. Sure, they made more kaiju, but this one caused him to fall into a crack in the ground. Burrowing through the Earth, he emerged in Siberia and began to destroy the communist nuclear operations. However, he made it up to them by helping them destroy the American nuclear operations. He lived in the Soviet Union until 1974 when he figured he should go back to Japan.

When he got there, he found he'd accidentally tripped up some big idiot parading around in a Godzilla suit. If there's one thing both Godzilla and Anguirus hated, it was impostors (you should've seen the amount of damage they did to the American Godzilla). Anguirus began to notice something amiss when this impostor kept on shrieking mechanically, failed to bleed and instead showed metal and proceeded to beat the crap out of Anguirus and not only own him and humiliate him, but also tore his jaws wide open. As he lay in total utter pain, he realized this was no ordinary impostor, but a machine. He decided to text Godzilla right away to warn him, but remembered it was 1974 and cellphones hadn't been invented yet. So, he just sat there, waiting for the stupid humans to stick him back on Monster Island and waited for 1999.

Final Wars

Instead, Anguirus waited there throughout the 80's and 90's until 2004, when the Japanese government announced all kaiju needed a monster license. Outraged, Anguirus joined his fellow monsters in revolt. Godzilla, however, was immune to the license as he'd somehow been sent back to 1964 and become frozen. The monsters came under the employ of the Xilians. Normally, Earth's monsters were supposed to protect Earth from alien threats, but if they had to get a damn license to be what they were, they may as well help the aliens.

After receiving some genetic modifications (that is to say, they pumped him full of steroids), Anguirus was sent to the People's Republic of China and attacked Shanghai, telling them communism was the only way thanks to his experience in the Soviet Union between 1973 and 1974. Some floating gunship that fired a ray tried to kill him, but he used his l33t Anguirus Ball skills to take it down.

As Anguirus proceeded to make China build statues in his likeness, he was told by the Xilians they had a problem: Godzilla was foiling them. To counter this, the Xilians sent Anguirus, Rodan and King Caesar to Mt. Fuji in order to stop him. Anguirus was reluctant to fight his friend, but they said he said that he was an idiot. Anguirus fully pledged himself to the operation after that statement. Nobody calls Anguirus an idiot.

As it turns out, Godzilla didn't even recognize the roid-pumped Anguirus. Then again, he'd been killed and resurrected so many times, he didn't really remember anything of his past lives. All he knew was that he liked destroying things, be they human, alien or monster. The three monsters employed the Anguirus Ball strategy, involving the use of Anguirus as a living projectile against Godzilla. It worked well, up till Godzilla began using Anguirus against them. First, Anguirus took out Rodan. Then Godzilla diverted him into the cliff side, giving him a major headache. The last blow came when King Caesar landed on top of Anguirus and Rodan. Anguirus quit the Xilian operation shortly after and earned his license. His roids wore off and he turned back to normal. A happy ending? Sort of.

Anguirus Today[edit]

Anguirus started the kaiju sport of Anguirus Ball. Things were going good until Mothra larva learned how to roll into a ball. Now, she is his main competitor. Varan almost also became a ball, but numerous injuries caused by his spikes and his crazy nature of gliding caused him to be dropped.

So just what the hell is Anguirus Ball?[edit]

How the hell should I know?

See Also[edit]