|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
An anointment is any liquidy and/or ooziferous substance which is used to sanctify the official inauguration of a monarch, emperor, pope, president, or CEO. The process of applying anointment usually confers magical powers on the recipient, and increases their Dex, Con, and Charisma by a minimum of 5 points each.
How to Apply Anointment
- Remove all clothing from the anointee and secure him to the floor with steel bolts and/or duct tape.
- Load approximately 200 gallons of the anointment into the holding tank of a standard 45 caliber industrial anointing cannon.
- Set the pressure mechanism between 40,000 and 50,000 psi (correspondingly higher if the chosen anointment has a greater viscosity). You may have to preheat the anointment to just below its boiling point to ensure proper fluid flow.
- Carefully mount the anointing cannon on an overhead boom approximately 5 meters above the anointee's head. Adjust the aim with the laser-guided viewscope. Activate the infrared remote control linkage and stand inside the well-shielded control room.
- Let 'er rip!!!
Commonly Used Anointments for Specified Anointees
- Olive oil: Kings and Prime Ministers of Israel
- Petroleum: Kings of Saudi Arabia
- Frankincense: The Baby Jesus
- Ketchup: CEOs of McDonald's
- Sulfuric acid: People about to die
- Gatorade®: Football coaches
- Cheez Whiz: Supreme Court justices
- Myrrh: The Baby Jesus (if no frankincense is immediately available)
- Zinc oxide: Lifeguards
- Catsup: CEOs of Burger Czar
- Human blood: Fur trappists
- Whipped cream: Presidents of the United States
- Ointment: Bad Poets
- Slime: Kids on 80's game shows.
- Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme: Faux'k Singers