Another Castle®
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| The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it, heck, your stuff is probably funnier than mine. |
“Thank you Mario! But the princess is in another castle!”
“Food? Heck, I went there once for the flies... but by the time I got there even they had died off from the food poisoning...”
~ A Toad on Another Castle®
“Seriously, I can't believe Mario hasn't come looking for me yet!”
~ Princess Peach on Another Castle
“F*$k Another castle! Six hours playing the game and the princess is in another castle! F*#k off Nintendo!”
~ Obsessed Gamer on Another Castle
“I'll spend the rest of Americas "hard earned" money in making myself one of these, when i turn presi... aww... *sob* !”
~ John McCain on Another Castle
“You know, Another Castle® may be the best place I have worked since I was pregnant with the triplets”
~ Minerva the Shiny Froslass on Another Castle®
“This article is the most boring piece of shit ever!”
~ Every one on Another Castle
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| Founded | Mushroom Corner City, Mushroom Kingdom, 1989 | |
| Headquarters | The Other Side of the Mushroom Kingdom | |
| Key people | King Bowser Koopa, Princess Peach, Minerva the Shiny Froslass, Oscar the Grouch | |
| Industry | Food, Restaurant, Karaoke Bar | |
| Products | Food-Like Substances | |
| Tagline | The Princess is in! | |
| Mascot | None at the moment | |
Contents |
[edit] History
It was founded in 1989 by the then-young entrepreneur and sociopath King Bowser Koopa, but, due to low profits from general distaste of his food, Koopa was forced to request funding from competitor Princess Peach. She agreed to do so only on the account that she gain co-ownership of the restaurant and “my name in the tagline.”[1] From hence came the phrase, “Thank you, but the Princess is in (Another Castle®)!”[1]
Another Castle®'s creation came as a response to the end of a health fad due to the release of the documentary, “Super Size Mii.” Koopa figured that it would cause all the other junk food companies to go out of business, leaving him as the only competition. “People would desire good food again,” quoted Koopa in an interview, “But there would be no one left to supply it. Much in the way that there was a shortage of dogs after people went from buying real pets to sea monkeys to pet rocks to cats to real dogs again. I saw the dough in that.”
[edit] Marketing
Another Castle® was an early example of unsuccessful food marketing. The name Castle® was chosen to stick with the trend of having Food-Like Substances associated with royalty, much in the same way as Dairy Queen® and Burger King®. The name "Another®" came to try to differentiate from other 'royal' restaurants, such as Duncan Donuts®, and ©aptain Crunch, because, to quote the Koopa King, "It's can't be the Same Castle®, can it?"
Another Castle®'s innovative approach to preparing and presenting its hamburgers created a disloyal following that, over time, developed slang used today by patrons and restaurant staff to communicate an order or otherwise discuss Another Castle® products. A common example, for example, is that when a 'laid-off' co-worker soon to be unsatisfied customer orders "Give me yo' freakin' dead presidentz or i'm gonna blow ya'wall's freakin' head off Meal 577-26 with extra Onions," said armed robber customer usually receives not only 4,194,304 hundred dollars small Fries, 55 warrants for his/her arrest cheeseburgers, 55 years to life inprisonment small cokes and one bullet to the head bag of chips, but a free Happy Meal Toy to boot.
[edit] Employees
To keep Another Castle® from going out of business, King Koopa had to hire 1000's of people to help with the food. Here are his employees as shown.
- Gardevoir -- manager
- MissingNo. -- Head fry cook
- Mikuru Asahina -- Head cashier
- Rei Ayanami -- Fry cook
- Gallade -- Fry cook
- Tifa Lockhart -- Fry cook
- Aeris Gainsborough -- Cashier (who is certainly not dead)
- Haruhi Suzumiya - Cashier
-
Eugene H. Krabs- was manager; fired for embezzlement -
Hatsune Miku- Was drive-thru worker; found dead in gutter after ODing on speed -
Asuka Langley Sohryu- Was cashier; fired for kicking customer in head
[edit] Birthday Parties
It is not well known that Another Castle® cater for birthday parties. This may well be due to the fact that children really don't like shit mushrooms in their burgers. Parents have also left many complants about there children becoming 2 to 3 times there original weight and size. Thus, King Koopa has tried to use candid pictures of Princess Peach to attract horny teenagers and possibly middle aged men to celebrate their birthdays at Another Castle®. This has outraged many wives and girlfriends, which in turn led to a revolt against Another Castle®. Many of the restaurants where burned down, thus leaving King Koopa in 10's of dollers in debt. Thus, King Kooper decided to give nude toys of himself to every child who had their birthday at Another Castle®. This led to the decline of children actually wanting there birthday at Another Castle®, but in turn attracted many people with strange perversions for green lizards and turtles. It is now said that King Koopa may try and sell himself as a prostitute because of this, however it is unlikely he will actually make any money.
[edit] How Healthy Is The Food?
According to Another Castle's Minerva, "The food will make your taste buds explode....literally!" According to the Health Department, however, the food is so unhealthy and poisonous that even decaying bacteria die from eating the food. Another Castle is expected to be shut down in the middle of 2011.
[edit] See also
[edit] Notes and References
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 Mario, Super (1955) "The Sell Out who Bought Out: The Betrayal of my Ex." Brooklyn; New York; USA; The I-Hate-Peach Association, pg. 555555
| This page was originally sporked from White Castle (Restaurant). |
