Anthony Eden

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St. Anthony of Eden O.S.B. (1121-1999) was a Benedictine monk who made a name as a missionary during the period of Franco-Mexican Expansionism in the early 1950s.

[edit] Services to the Church during the crusades

After twelve years as a priest, Anthony was summoned by the great theologian Winston Churchill who asked him to increase support for the crusades. Anthony accepted this job and set about forming a new order of monks, known as the Guardus Homus, with the task of defending Christendom from the hordes of the Seljuk Turks. With the end of the current crusade, Churchill announced his intent to create a new church, and as a result, the papacy promptly gave the renegade's bishophric to Anthony. Thus a new page in the cleric's life was turned.

[edit] Anthony the Prelate

In his new post as Archbishop of Westminster, Anthony set about with many new works. He deduced (using binomial theorem, which had been introduced to him by a very modern Major-General) that the true location of the Garden of Eden was somewhere between the Nile Delta and the Red Sea, and that the Tree of Knowledge was somewhere in the Sultan of Egypt's Palace grounds. Immediately Anthony sent a request to the Sultan that the plot of land in question be handed over to the Catholic Church. The Sultan sent a less-than-eloquent letter in response, telling the Bishop exactly where to put his garden.

Incensed, Anthony petitioned the Pope to declare a Crusade, consisting chiefly of English and French troops. In the ensuing campaign, centered around Suez, the forces of Sultan Nasser of Egypt inflicted round after round of embarrassing defeats on the crusaders, until eventually the crusaders withdrew. Anthony's superiors in the Vatican and his diocese rebuked him, and Anthony resigned his Bishophric and retreated to a monastery somewhere in Wales.

[edit] Death and Canonisation

Anthony's death came eventually when he was aged 85, when he was lunged at by a particularly aggessive juvenile Welsh Rarebit. The Rarebit, though repelled by a small fat monk named Umpity, had induced enough shock in the elderly Benedictine to cause a heart attack. The late Pope's funeral was attended by many (who decided that being seen in Rome was far more beneficial socially than being seen at a Welsh Monastery) and so Anthony was mourned only by the monks. However, after ten years, his body was exhumed, and transferred to the location he had believed to be Eden (hence the name). Upon his canonisation, it was exhumed a second time and several bones stolen by the monks for sale as relics.

He is now the patron saint of the following:

• Ill advised wars
• Binomial theorem
• Major-Generals
• Welsh Rarebit
• Other Saints that have been exhumed as relics.