Anthony Kiedis
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Anthony "I lost my virginty at 12 beat that, motherfuckers" Kiedis is the 'sock wearing, hair flapping,
For years the world has been trying to work out what the hell goes on in Anthony's mind. No one has succeeded. It's going to be Stephen Hawking's final achievement in life. He will release a book named Inside the Kiedis... My Story. It will tell of their anal sex scandal.
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[edit] Notable Quotes
“He's a lyrical genius”
~ One of RHCP's most intelligent fans on Anthony Kiedis
“I wish he would stop harassing me! I mean you got three songs out of me dude! Now FUCK OFF!!!”
~ Dani California
Of Course You Don't Have A MASSIVE Ego Anthony.
“How the fuck hasn't he got one of us yet?”
~ HIV, Syphilis and Herpes
“We will make blackberry babies together”
“I would catch him staring at my crotch”
~ Anthony on Billie Joe Armstrong
“I always get what I want..and if I don't I lie on the floor and scream!”
~ Anthony Kiedis
“I think my ankles are model-like, I like to show them off.”
~ Anthony Kiedis on his short pants
“He's still living?”
“He's had way too many chances with me, he's pushing my patience!”
~ God
“Motherfucker stopped hangin' out with me...”
~ Heroin
“He made my son a bear!”
~ Heather Christie
“He's so mean, he's refused us all!!!”
~ Condoms
[edit] Childhood
Anthony was born a long, long, long, long time ago, before the wind, before the snow (Hey Oh), on the sunset strip in Grand Rapids, MI. You would think to Cher & Iggy Pop, but really to John Kiedis aka Blackie Dammett (a drugdealer to the stars and an occasional actor) on November 1st 1962. Although Cher was a family friend. He was also born with 30 meters of hair and an instant 6-pack. People thought he was a Martian, so they outcasted him to La La Land. He became desolate and lived on his own with many, many dogs. He screamed every night that he wanted to Party On Someone's Pussy, this upset the dogs and they tried to kill his ass, but they choked on his hair.
Anthony then moved back to California, because he missed his pillow and his porch, he loved California a lot, so much in fact, he was going to get every single word in the English dictionary ever, to rhyme with it.
[edit] Hed Rot Pili Cheppers.
RHCP formed sometime in the 80's, no one really knows when or how, but there was probably a lot of sex involved. Make that definitely. Anthony decided that he knew all about poetry, but couldn't play any instruments that well, so he would be the lead singer. Anthony decided the band needed serious sex appeal, as the rest of RHCP looked like unwanted homeless children with tattoos and really freakishly bug-like eyes.
RHCP recorded many albums, including their most famous Blood Sugar Sex Magik, which included a lot of diabetic love songs about small flowers and candies, which Anthony wrote himself. The song's included such amazing ground breaking lyrics as Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone, Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad, but Anthony may have well not written any lyrics anyway, as he claims he doesn't ever remember them and makes them up as he goes along, because that way it is never wrong. The band thought he was wrong once, but after close inspection, they realized that he was the target of jealous Guns 'N' Roses fans, whose entire life's purpose was to make him doubt himself, and for the band to doubt him too. Once the band realized their error, and that Anthony was always right, they purchased for him a thousand pencils by way of an apology.
No longer being able to impress the world by wearing nothing but a metal chain skirt round his ass, Anthony decided they needed a new guitarist, so he went and found the campest guitarist of all time, Billie Joe Armstrong. They thought BJ could bring a new image to them, and make them even more camp than normal. So for a few years, RHCP wrote about coffee shops, dancing like Anthony's father, Kurt McHappy Pant's Cobain, being Warped, and how all their friends were depressed. They called the album 'One Hot Monstrosity'. They also kissed and dry humped each other A LOT, as none of them were really getting any women. But in the night someone killed Billie Joe (never found out who or gave a damn why) and they threw his corpse back to Green Day. Anthony found this disturbing and cried for..like ever, until he stopped. The next day John made a return, it was like return of the Jedi, except bigger and much more important. The Drummer, Will Ferrel, claimed that the band was fooked after John left, and at that the world had stopped moving. This was especially important as it was the first time he had spoken. They agreed to take John back as long as he stopped talking like he had barbed wire lining his mouth.
RHCP later got a new sound Gangsta and Anthony bought himself some grills from Puff Daddy Diddy Doo Daa Bop. He made the grill accidentally magnetic as he has eternal failure of common sense , so he would electrocute himself if he closed his mouth. He went around talking like John once had, and never closing his mouth, this fucked the other band members off and Flea tried to chop Anthony's head off with a axe, but failed and missed, and chopped his hair off instead. Anthony lost his L'oreal hair deal to Jon Bon Jovi, and the band just ran out of people to sue.
[edit] RHCP later - The Sex Effect
This marked the change in the Chili Peppers, and the world could breathe once again, without turning on the TV to see Anthony dancing around like a 14 year old gone wrong, singing about how he got turned on and took for a hard ride then took it on the Otherside (reference to him and Stephen Hawkins sex scandal) or By The Way he tried to say he'd be there, where we don't know, but he said he would be there and well frankly he wasn't, or how he was Humping someone's Bump (Fleas.. Maybe?), being especially in Michigan with the mother duck or Dani California and how she died. Anthony went back into hibernation, where he learned he could pull weird-looking women, but got bored, and thought about marrying strange and amazing Jersey girl named Jill after they met at a 'Getting Over Your Sex Addiction' class. He decided she was too conventionally good-looking for him, and he spent the next few years looking for a minger to settle down with. In the meantime, he adopted a litter of ducks, in a Parallel Universe, Especially In Michigan, Under The Bridge in the city, and finally, All Around The World.
He since then has only been spotted 'shop-bag lifting'.If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of Anthony Kiedis...Dial 0800-332...Oh! do you know what, don't bother doing anything, just count yourself lucky he doesn't run over try to sell you 'one hot monstrosity'.
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[edit] Anthony Kiedis' Diary Entry:
*Monday
- 12:05: Well, just woke up there and holy shit it's like 5 past 12!..damn it!..I told Flea to fucking wake me up! Useless little... Uh, anyhow, have to go catch a plane I believe we've missed, to the home of sexy girls! ZOMG!!! Hahaha...NJ...
- 2:30: God, I'm sooooo bored, I hate our private jet, yuck, fucking ugly, I wanted silver interior but noooo, we had to have yucky gross gold!
- 2:31: Hmmm, I guess it could be worse, I could be on a public plane, uh, how horrific!! :O
- 3:00: Why is Chad's ring tone Give It Away?!
- 3:30: I need to go for a run or a walk or something, my legs are like jacked up my asshole right now. Along with my head.
- 4:00: I officially can't feel my legs... ahhhh.
- 4:02: OMG! I want to die, John has just started a sing along.. Kill me lord... Kill me.
- 4:39: John is STILL singing, and no one has saved me yet. I still have faith though.
- 4:40: Just had an alarming thought of Faith No More there, Mike Patton's face in mine, Heh, he'd love it! Eeeek! I feel ill.
- 4:45: Who the hell told John he could sing?!.. Gahh..
- 5:00: I'm starving! Where the hell is the food on this damn contraption.
- 5:15: Everyone starts discussing their favorite porn movie. I say mine is 'Humpback Mountain' Hehehe.. They all stare at me.
- 6:00: Wow... I fell asleep. We should be landing soon and at least John stopped singing, we stopped talking about Porn and they stopped looking at me weirdly.
- 6:30: Wowweee, we've landed.. YES! Now get me off this thing!
- 7:00: Airports suck. Especially British ones, I can't understand them. Why do the airport staff talk so damn fast?!..like seriously, I'm a rock star you morons, not a fucking lip reader.
- 7:30: Note To Self: Be nicer about the British.
- 8:00: Just arrived at out hotel, it looks..ok, I guess. Anything's better than that awful cab ride we just had, if the cab seats 4 people, don't try and get 7 into it!!
- 8:15: We have an hour to prepare for the show, an hour, eeek, I need more time. Can't Stop addicted to the..to the..oh jesus! Right, I'l make it up, um, something like 'Can't stop addicted to the bimbigg a doobiee woop woop' Ha! Excellent, they'll never know.
- 8:45: Well, we're about to go onstage, Flea has suggested we check out the sound equipment first, why i don't know. It's not my job, unless I'm paid for it I refuse!
- 9:00: Well fuck me! That went wrong, Chad playfully pushed me and I fell and smacked my head off the amps, I now see around 6 of everyone. I..feel, um...fainttt..
- 10:30: The show went well, besides the fact I kept having blackouts, Heh.. Our tour manager is now screaming his head of at me! 'Anthony, you shouldn't jump on sound equipment..blah blah blah'.. Shut Up! You big fruit! Blame Flea, it was his jackass idea!..
- 10:35:Note to self: Hire new tour manager.
- 11:00: We arrive back at the hotel, and as we're entering the rooms I remind Flea to wake me up this time! He laughs and tells me to set my alarm, I then remind him I forgot my alarm! He tells me to use my blackberry, I tell him how dare he suggest that, as it may drain in battery, my poor little berry. He tells me to grow up and ask John to do it.
- 11:10: I knock on Johns Door. He doesn't answer, so i walk in and he's standing on his head laughing. Right..ok.
- 11:15: I ask John could he send me an alarm call for the morning and he tells me 'sure, I'l sing one of my new albums songs to you, which one is your fav?' He throws the CD over to me and I pretend to need the loo.
- 11:30: Wow, close call there. I catch my reflection in a mirror. Hmmm, i think i should do something with my hair. It's a bit 1990's.
- 11:35: I decide I can wake myself up!
- 11:40: Someone knocks at the door, it's John he wants to know if i will choose a song. I tell him it's fine, I don't need woken up, he keeps insisting, so I scream at him, he freaks out and we hug for a long time.
- 11:50: I decide if we hug any longer we may become gay, we laugh, and John leaves, well runs.
- 12:00: I decide i should go to bed.
- 12:15: This bed is sooo uncomfortable.. A water bed.. Great. I'll be seasick all night as I am swallowed by a mattress sized Flubber.
- 12:20: I play the radio to send me to sleep, Soul To Sqeeze comes on and in an attempt to leap from the water bed to turn it off I get thrown across the room into the wall, well at least I'm not awake anymore.
- 12:30: I see sheep... Hehehhh..
- 12:40: I then realize I made a huge noise falling, and where is everyone to see if I'm ok? UH! I scream they're all a lousy bunch of friends, and that the only reason we have female fans is because of me.
- 21:42: No one replies, how rude! They don't care I could have just died right there.
- 12:45: I try to make myself comfortable on the floor. I'm a multi-millionaire lead singer of one of the world biggest rock bands and I'm lying on the floor trying to sleep feeling quite concussed actually, with no one to help me.
- 12:50: Scratch that. Jill's here.
[edit] Anthony Kiedis Trivia
- The soundtrack to his life is Naughty, Sexy, Bitchy, Me by Tata Young
- He is probably your father
- He sues EVERYONE. BEWARE!
- He never seems to physically age.
- He suffers from shirtless syndrome.
- He claims he went to university. (Yeah, sure, whatever! Haha)
- He worked as a part time look-a-like for Iggy Pop.
- He only owns one sock and like one vest top.
- He named his child after a giant man-eating animal.
- He is the Peter Pan of rock. He never grows up.
- He describes sex as "spearing a hairy doughnut."
- He can't find trousers that go to his ankles.
- He has a strange fixation/relationship with Jared Leto.
- He has 9 lives, but only 1 left.
- He is actually all of Slipknot.
- He has over 9000 friends in California.
- He used to have foursomes with Mexican Drug Dealers.
- He has slept with ...everyone.
- He is an accepted Native American.
- He was once a cat named Sebastian.
- He once received restraining orders from approximately 20 southern girls, and one from an unidentified L.A female cop.
