“When I'm feeling coquettish, I like to pretend I'm the Anti-Muhammed and fry myself up some fatback!”
“The Anti-Muhammed? Yeah, I seen him - that is to say I saw him. He's down a couple of blocks on the street corner, handing out flowers.”
Aunty Muhammed (Arabic: أنتِ مُحَمّد, you are Muħammad) is Islam's version of Christianity's Anti-Christ. By the time they are old enough to hate Denmark and all its Danishes, young Muslims are told the cautionary tale of the Anti-Muhammed, and his ultra-violent, singularly non-tolerant ways as he tolerates all but Muslims. In Islamic tradition, the coming of the Anti-Muhammed will be time of great tribulation and struggle, and will even possibly signal the calamitious end of the Islamic world (and a great source of relief to the world's non-Muslims).
The Guise of the Anti-Muhammed
A winning smile, a fake beard and an expertly wrapped turban? The Anti-Muhammed is a clever bastard indeed
No one, not even the most clever and wise imams of Mecca, know exactly what the Anti-Muhammed will look like, if and when he appears. This is even some confusion as to whether the Anti-Muhammed will be male, as it would simply make sense for the Anti-Muhammed to be an attractive, literate, intelligent, and thoroughly pleasant woman. However, since imagining women is strictly forbidden by the Qur'an, the Anti-Muhammed is widely considered to be a man by Muslims, on pain of eternal damnation.
According to Imam al-Duresh of Dubai, the Anti-Muhammed will be "...a white guy, of course, though he could be Chinese. I'm not exactly sure about that. But, unlike the real Muhammed, he will be short. And he will have no beard. He will probably have glasses, and his trade will be accounting. Yes, he will be an accountant, or work in a bank or something like that. Come to think of it, he will be a Jew. Yes, a big, fat, greedy Jew. May Allah save us!"
But not so fast, cautions Imam Salashfar of Detroit, who argues "[a] big, fat, greedy Jew? This is ridiculous - a good Muslim could see him a mile away and pelt him accordingly with stones as soon as he drew close. No, the Anti-Muhammed will look just like any other Muslim. But, you will know him because he will have no facial hair. No beard, no nothing. Even his sideburns will be reasonably trimmed. This will be his mark."
But not so fast, cautions Imam Salam-Dran of Minneapolis, who argues "The anti-Muhammed will not look like a Muslim nor a Jew. He will come from the heartland of heathen west bearing a weapon whose roar will sound like the voice of the Angel of Death. He will also be a giant man with skin like iron that no bomb can harm."
The differences in these descriptions highlight how difficult it will be to identify the Anti-Muhammed when he darkens your prayer mat, and it is this ambiguousness that frightens Muslims the most.
"Oh!" cries Iraqi insurgent and Sunni Muslim Ahmed Mustafa as he loads another 81mm mortar round to fire at a Shiite mosque in Baghdad, "Allah save us from the nefarious Anti-Muhammed! His arrival will bring happiness, tolerance, and even peace to the Muslim world or if we resist he will wipe out all of us in his so called Holy Crusade. Such a thing cannot be allowed to pass either way!"
Combating the Anti-Muhammed
Fear of the coming of the Anti-Muhammed leads invariably to Anti-Muhammed Trials, which are described as "witch hunts" by their detractors and "a good old time" by those that participate in them. Suspected Anti-Muhammeds are rounded up, given a cursory trial by an imam or ulama, and summarily beheaded.
The largest such recorded incidence of an Anti-Muhammed Trial is April 14th, 1957, in which a Palestinian refugee camp in southern Lebanon accused a neighboring Palestinian refugee camp of being made entirely of Anti-Muhammeds. Apparently forgetting that the Anti-Muhammed is not a woman or almost certainly isn't a child, over 2,000 Palestinian men, women and children were tried and executed by their peers. The cleric in charge of the trial was recorded as saying "That solves everything! Who wants some wine?", at which point he was summarily beheaded as well.
Islamic legend tells that the Anti-Muhammed will most likely be done in by an explosion not actually meant for him, one of the many reasons terrorists use indiscriminate bombings to further their political agenda. Whatever the hell that is. However more and more cleric's are beginning to question whether the Anti-Muhammed can even be hurt in such a fashion.
The Many Temptations of the Anti-Muhammed
Despite the dedicated efforts of Muslims to behead or blow up those they suspect to be the Anti-Muhammed, Muslim scholars suspect the Anti-Muhammed will elude such attempts on his life, allowing him to continue living unnoticed in the Muslim world. They contend he will live in a comfortably furnished apartment, and his knowledge of aroma-therapy and feng shui will put any visitors into a disquieting state of ease. Before he judges whether or not you deserve to die outright or be given a single chance to convert to a "peaceful Muslim"
Then, they predict, he will play pleasing music, possibly Supergrass, or The Meters, or even Jurassic 5. Thus disarmed by their pleasant surroundings, his guests will be treated to some delicious brownies (which may or may not contain cannabis), savory bacon, and possibly raspberry smoothies that the Anti-Muhammed blended himself with a sacrilicious secret ingredient. There is even a chance festive cocktails, such as the "Mai Thai" or the "Sex on the Beach," will be expertly made and gladly served by this blasphemous blasphemer of unholy blasphemy.
With his guests lulled into a stuperous, sinful state, the Anti-Muhammed will begin regaling them with some of his poetry, which not only rhymes but is clever, deeply lyrical, and worth hearing a second time. In a final act of hideous, non-pious niceness, the Anti-Muhammed will offer to give rides home to any of his guests who need one, sending them off with a genuine smile, an autographed portrait of himself and a complementary nude picture of Sarah Silverman.
Whence He Arrives:
While his many temptations are mostly conjecture among Muslim scholars, they are sure of his acts: he will not issue fatwas, he will not declare jihad on anyone, and he will not deliver fiery sermons on Fridays exhorting his followers to commit acts of violence against foreigners and their institutions. In short, he will make a mockery of everything Islam stands for, and probably have a good time doing it.
|I await eagerly the arrival of the Anti-Muhammed," promises Ali al-Barani, a security guard in Saudi Arabia. "I will capture him, and take him to a torture room, where he will not be allowed to shave. There, we will read him Holy Scripture all day long, make sure he prays five times a day, and can recite the Five Pillars of Islam in his sleep. Just let him try to spread his message of tolerance and peace - it is he who will be begging for tolerance and mercy!|
Is the Anti-Muhammed Jesus?
There is some confusion over whether or not the Anti-Muhammed is, in fact, Jesus Christ. "He most certainly is not Jesus," snorts Father Moe Lestor of St. Barnaby's Cathedral, "Jesus hired the Anti-Muhammed so as to concentrate on Christian's needs."
Furthermore, religious scholars point out that were Jesus to be the Anti-Muhammed, Muslims, and certainly the rest of the God-fearing world would have a lot more to worry about, such as The Rapture and the ending of man's time on Earth, among other things. Biblical things.
Imam Hazen-Ben Sober was quoted as saying "Jesus cannot be the Anti-Muhammed, for the Qur'an lists him as a Prophet before Muhammed. How can the Anti-Muhammed be born before Muhammed? I mean, Chewbacca lives on Endor, it does not make sense. Here I am talking about Prophets of Allah and I am mentioning a Wookie, that does not make sense. The whole Jesus is the Anti-Muhammed does not make sense. Besides everyone knows that Mr. T is most likely to be the Anti-Muhammed, or perhaps William Shatner, then again maybe it was Ghandi? Ah well, a Fatwa on them all, Infidels!"
Evidence of the Anti-Muhammed
Although not specifically described in the Qur'an, the coming of the Anti-Muhammed is foretold through Muslim oral tradition. Recently, ancient Sudanese texts (from approximately 814 AD) were discovered in a basement in Khartoum that lend credence to these traditions. A particularly telling passage from the texts, called The Coming of the Anti-Muhammed for lack of a better name, reads:
|And [he] will come forth from the West, during a time of great chaos in the Levant. As Muslims squabble over the murder of Ali, a man will rise, seemingly pleasant to all, bringing a message of peace, and forgiveness, and tolerance. Fools will flock to him, and lay down their arms! The Tribes of Israel will be left [unmolested], and the Kings of Europe shall be well satisfied over his effect! Wars will cease...and reconcilliation with the West will follow! All will be woe and calm! Not a single thing will explode for a hundred years during his terrible reign!|
In the Bible more evidence of the Anti-Muhammed or as the Bible calls him the Anti-Allah this reads:
|Behold the followers of Satan who hides behind the name of Allah shall fall to the earth in fear his from the west from a state of wheat and his mighty boomstick. When he nears the city of the damned the sinners will hear only the roar of stealthly firey death from the heavens and the Anti-Allah's battlecry.|
Later on in the same chapter another mentioning and description of the Anti-Muhammed.
|Fire and steel shall be thrown from his steel staff into the satanists, and no one who either stays silent or speaks against his will be allowed to live. He will have no mercy as he is the bringer of death to the satanists.|
It goes on to describe him as single greatest threat to Islam and will not be alone but with other great warriors thought to be Chuck Norris, Mr.T, Gordon Freeman, Master Chief, Hybris, and Godzilla. When this will happen no one knows.