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“PCA was horrendously pious but he no longer felt the oppression of his religion because the Apestians were there.”

~ Feodor Dostoevsky on Apestianism

“You can join our services from -A 10 to - R 20 on Laterdays.”

~ Apestian Leader on Apestianism
Scene after a battle between Pure Christian Awesome and the Apestian forces. The Apestians won.


The Beginning[edit]

The Apestian religion was first formed on Mars. A stray ape was dropped there from the mutant NASA organization formed 200 years in the future. The ape went through a time traveling experience and decided to evolve itself into an Apestian, a trillion levels higher on the food chain than what we consider “humans”.


The ape was now an Apestian. In the passage of time it colonized all of Mars, (unseen to all of Earth and their Earthian god), developed time travel, and everything that the Earthians had not developed. It reproduced itself and created a magnificent army/following.

Still Later[edit]

The army unfortunately rebelled, leaving a disheveled leader in the place of the original ape. This new leader had somehow been abducted from Earth and been placed as the new leader of the Apestian armies. This leader had a luxurious affair with the old leader after she pushed him off the planet. He was never seen again. But, the old leader became one with the cosmos and became the new Apestian God to be revered for eternity. But, the Apestian god was feeling vengeful on the entire planet that overturned his rule and installed a sense of insanity in all of their logical working brains.

The Apestian Wars[edit]

Earth's population of 18 billion.

In the year 2222 the Apestian army landed on planet Earth. The Apestian forces and religion do not “interpret” the bible, the Apestians follow their Apestian God directly. The Apestians were successful in converting “Christians” and other religions into following Apestianism. All followers agreed their god was an ape. Massive worship like that of the previous Christian religion became popular for worshipping all apes and creatures alike. The religion promoted peace and the study of the evolution of apes and their ancestors and predecessors.

However, Christians did not see Apestianism for what it truly was and declared it "wicked, vile, and unfit to worship on their planet”. The Christians were unwilling to share the planet Earth with other beings of a higher evolutionary status and better religion. With the Christians denouncing Apestianism as not a religion but a “hobby”, the Apestians needed to prove their religious worth with a Apestian crusade.

The Apestian forces set out for a crusade to rid the world of Christianity for it denounced their religion and installed a sense of fear of impending war as the Christians continued to loom in minute numbers, seething at the brink of madness. The Apestian Alliance and Christian Coalition clashed. The Christian Coalition had nearly been defeated with most of the world’s population converting to anything but Christianity.

But, their brilliant forces were met by equal force of an insane individual, PCA. He managed to convert Earth’s entire population to Christianity.

At this time, the Apestian leader’s head adviser had developed a sense of insecurity to the rising chaos and power-play between the Apestian leader and Apestian God. Both had had an illustrious love affair back in the day, but the head adviser was unsure as to how the end result had twisted itself forth and back between the Apestian leader having direct control over the Apestian God. The head adviser, a “man” Apestian, had developed a complex for the Apestian God, wanted to be directly in power, helped his associate topple the Apestian leader and had a wonderful love affair with the Apestian God himself. The Apestian leader and head adviser were locked in civil war, the Apestian God tended to change sides quite a bit to his leisure. At this time, the Apestian forces were most susceptible to attack.

In the year 2250, sadly, the Apestian forces were defeated by the PCA and 100% of the world’s population was converted to Christianity.

Major Battles[edit]

PCA v. Apestian Army[edit]

At this important date, on March 21, 2234. In the camp, the head adviser had been sleeping with the Apestian God. The Apestian leader had found out and decided to put all of the Apestians permanently to sleep. Somehow the PCA had gotten wind of this and attacked by luck or with the Apestian leader’s informant. The PCA attacked with a lance, yada yada yada. The “Night of Love” is the true name of the battle.

PCA v. Apestian Airforce[edit]

On January 1, 2239 at 4:19 pm, the Apestian forces had developed a secret air organization. PCA had attacked the decoy (the highly technologically developed hologram of sorts) with his four-pronged boomerang and set off the ink wells for the sky to be black for the next 6 years. The Apestian Airforce was quite safe on Mars as most of the Apestian forces had begun to withdraw to another, better planet with its followers.

PCA v. Apestian Navy[edit]

The Apestian Navy was the only thing left on Earth. (The rest of the forces had gone to Pluto and Mars). It was a win for both sides as the majority of the Christian forces died from famine and the Apestians seafood, and ships on the sea were destroyed by the PCA’s necklace. From the result of this battle, the creator/leader of the Apestian faith was left. The Apestian God was also destroyed by PCA’s necklace chain. However, all of the followers that had migrated to Mars and other areas of the universe were safe, to retaliate at a later date or not.

PCA v. PAA[edit]

“Prista Artig Ackermann was the creator and sole survivor of the Apestian faith. Former atheist and evolutionist she also changed her name when she became the first Apestian when she took the Bible and science hand in hand. Her new name was her initials PAA which generated her the nickname "Pure Apestian Awesome". PAA and PCA decided to meet for a resolution in a small city----Saarbrücken, Germany. Here they agreed to determine the fate of the world with a single game of chess. The loser would follow the faith of the other. Both believed that his/her God would guide him/her to victory. They began playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who went first. PAA slammed PCA's scissors with her rock and began as white. The following is the game they played in Algebraic Chess Notation.”

~ Pure Christian Awesome on Apestianism

Later Again[edit]

PCA and PAA did not fall in love but did get married. They used PAA’s Apestian religion and technology to travel back in time to 1930 in “upscale” New York and had one child. They were arrested several years later under suspicion for smuggling apes into the country.


The infamous couple of PCA, PAA and their child, PAR all escaped from jail. They time traveled to Today.


PCA, PAA and PAR live peacefully in Canada. PCA has converted to Apestianism.


PCA shall be known for his heroic conversion from Christianity to Apestianism. The entire population of Earth is vaporized from the retaliation of the Apestian army in the cosmos. Good day.


Without the help of the PCA then the world would be in utter submission to PAA and the Apestian forces. Because PCA converted to Apestianism, the world is a better place. The new Earth developed by the Apestian scientists is unclear, but it is peaceful because the only existing religion is Apestianism. Universally, the Apestians do not die so they cannot go to Hell because the entire universe is Apestian, Hell could not admit everyone, reservations must be made.


Apestianism is the one true religion and the existence of the PCA proves this. Without him we would all be following a false religion blindly and solely on our faith and trust in the ones who told us it was true. Which obviously isn't enough since we'd all end up burning in Hell. Be happy the PCA was here to save you from this tragic fate.

Fun Facts[edit]

PCA had an affair with the head adviser of the Apestian forces.
PAA had an affair with the head adviser of the Apestian forces.
PCA can walk on water, quicksand, and any other sinking substance you can think of, but PAA can fly.
PCA now lives in the remote training area of Canada.
PAR is blue.
PCA just came out of the closet yesterday.
PAR is not really a being, PAR is a pillow.