Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture
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Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture is a feature film produced in the year 3664 A.D. directed by Peter Jackson. The film was based on actual events occuring between the dawn of time to the year 3667 A.D, compressed into a seventy-one hour motion picture. Interestingly, it swept the Oscars, taking home 71 awards including Best Picture, Best Director and Best Masturbation Scene (won by Vin Diesel). Below is detailed information about the film and the events upon which it was based.
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[edit] Cast
Chuck Norris - Mr. T
Mr T - Chuck Norris
Dr Phil - Herr Doktor Phil
Vin Diesel - Exploding man on Toilet #5
Borat - Master Cheif
Cartman - Harvey Lee Oswald
Godzilla - Man in Elevator
Daniel Craig - Super James Bond!
Maharaji - Himself
God - Eric Clapton (self)
Jesus - Himself
Green Day - As Themselves
The Devil - As Nuck Chorris
Satan - As Devil McBadguy
Dick Cheney - As Himself
Hugh Heffner - As Himself
Colin Fry - As Himself
There were an additional 88 cast members, and 9844155 extras for the battle sequences who were all killed (Peter Jackson hates CGI and as much as he wants you to believe all those scenes in Lord of the Rings and King Kong were computer generated, they were done for real. Jackson is currently owes the families of the deceased NZ$7678526364351265626264776236256241 in compensation, as jail time would be absolutely unacceptable for such a gifted individual.
[edit] Plot
“Ahhh yes the plot................carry on.”
~ Gravy on Apocalypse: The Acclaimed Motion Picture
Chuck Norris was bored one day, alone in his own universe, so he made a clone of himself and they both had identical sons. Original Chuck Norris decided the two boys should have a fight. Inevitably, the clone's son won, and became known as God. Chuck Norris, dismayed at his son's incompetence sent him down to Earth as the prophet Maharaji. Chuck Norris later killed off the clone but God lived on because Chuck Norris grew an eternal respect for him because he bet Maharaji in the scrap. Chuck Norris appointed God as the ruler of the universe temporarily while he went around to poke some fun. Ultimately, Chuck Norris became fond of his new-found fun, and God became the ruler while still in the knowledge that his uncle could be back any day ready to roundhouse kick him in the proverbial jaw.
Anyways, one day Chuck Norris came across a young lady by the name of Anna Nicole Smith and made her pregnant by pointing at her pussy with his right ring finger and whispering "Bang." In seven months, Anna gave birth to Oprah Norris, who wasn't very bright because Chuck only pointed at Anna Nicole Smith's pussy with his right ring finger.
(Explanation for Chuck Norris' reproduction methods: Chuck Norris has three methods of reproduction, the first of which is normal sex in which he doesn't consider it sex unless the woman dies. The second method involves pointing fingers at womens' pussies and saying bang. Depending on the amount of fingers (i.e. a full ten fingers would give birth to a clone of Chuck Norris), and finger gesture Chuck may be pointing with (i.e. Rock Fingers would instantly give birth to the next rock superstar - Lamb of God was born this way), and the volume at which he says "Bang" (i.e. If Chuck says Bang loudly, the woman will give birth to a large fire-breathing walrus). Oprah was born to the bare minimum in intelligence and strength as Chuck Norris barely whispered "Bang" and pointed with a single right-ring finger, the least powerful of Chuck Norris' ring fingers). The third method involves Chuck simply walking down the street with an erection and everyone he walks past (including men) will give birth to a Gerbil)
When Oprah turned seventeen, her father began selling the Total Gym to make his day-to-day fighting opponents less laughably pathetic. This ploy was a huge waste of time, as it only succeded in turning one fat overweight American (the rest are either lazy or truly fucked up in the head). That fat overweight American was Oprah, who in fact re-christened herself Oprah Winfrey, and she was on a mission - to dethrone the entire family hierachy and claim the top job for herself. Seeing that Oprah was fast turning into a deadly villan with aspirations of universal domination, Chuck Norris tried to coax Oprah back to the good side, but Oprah had turned evil. Her first steps were raping Blade and Bill Cosby (see the Dr Phil page for more details), and eventually aborted Hitler MkI using her fingernails after she got sick of the stretchmarks. The second time around trying to create the ultimate evil accomplace, she did everything the same except she transferred the pregnancy to her mother, Anna Nicole Smith and thus Hitler MkII was born. Oprah got pissed off at Hitler MkII for failing to win World War II, but later forgave him and resurrected him, this time under the moniker of Dr Phil (full name Doctor Philip Calvin Klien McCrack, aka Tofu Man), as Oprah saw this as a way of making huge sums of legitimate money to fuel the first step of her plan for Universal Domination - World Domination. Oprah began to acquire everything through the legitimate face of her evil empire, HARPO (Oprah backwards). It was this phase in which Oprah made out she was some huge advocate for the poor everywhere, when in actual fact she was just staging all those drops of Globe Shoes for those starving African kids - it was all done at NASA headquarters under the watchful eye of Dr Phil who was apparently bleeding from the mouth with delight at the sight of his mother's evilness. In this same period, she gave a 1990 Chevrolet Geo (aka The Shittiest Car Ever Made) to each and every member of her audience, one of which owned an Aston Martin Lagonda. Of course, the only people outside of HARPO who knew were Chuck Norris, God, and Maharaji. Chuck Norris declared war on HARPO, and so the fight to end all other fights begun.
[edit] THE BATTLE
Chuck Norris assembled an army of good people, including Vin Diesel, God, Maharaji, Green Day, Mr. T, Goku, Tinky Winky, Hugh Heffner and another 562526 famous and non-famous human beings.
Oprah assembled an army consisting of her faithful sidekick Dr Phil, Nuck Choris everywhere, Dick Cheney, Steve Ballmer and the entire HARPO staff (which totalled a grand 2374778)
It was agreed that the battle should take place in space, as the Earth could not possibly withstand the collective power of all these individuals. NASA built huge pods for spectators, but this proved to be a blunder as the entire human race knew how foolish it would be to be spectators, especially with the knowledge the pods were made of glass for better viewing. 7526215626 people showed up in the pods.
The battle commenced in the year 2785 AD, and immediately, just about everybody apart from the the people mentioned above died almost instantly, whether it be from a Norris roundhouse kick or a Winfrey stare of the deadly fingernail attack. By 3156 AD, there were just Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Mr T. left on the Norris team ([[Hugh Heffner and his Bunnies were in the effort to save as many lives of the Chuck Norris army.(Some ways were better than others.)), with Oprah, Dr Phil, Nuck Choris and Dick Cheney left.
The battle went up a notch when Norris killed off Cheney with the Moon after he attempted to shoot the Earth with his revolver - he did in fact hit Mercury which blew up an hour and a half later. This pissed Oprah off so much that she then beheaded Mr T. with her fingernails. Vin Diesel then threw a ball of play-dough at Nuck Choris who promptly died. Dr Phil then proceded to kill Vin Diesel. He did, but was stunned just hours later by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the ass which was so hard that Phil was sent into the future when the Milky Way collides with some other random Galaxy. Read on for the final result....
[edit] THE DEMISE OF OPRAH WINFREY
After this unfortunate incident, Oprah proceded to proceed to full power by consuming the sun, therefore endowing herself win huge amounts of power. Oprah began getting on top of her old man, until Chuck Norris unveilled the most deadly weapon of all - the fist he keeps behind his beard. This caught Oprah by surprise, and when hit by it, she began to stumble.
Chuck Norris then began to hurl asteroids at Oprah, which unsettled her even more. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked the Planet X at Oprah which killed her instantly. After dying, Oprah's body grew into a large pyramid-shaped mess which soon exploded destroying the universe in its entirity - apart from Chuck Norris. Everything was restored to normal. Chuck Norris was once again alone and in charge of his own universe, just like he was at the start of this stupid fuckin' article.
The saga lasted from the dawn of time to 3575 A.D. This film was made some years later by Peter Jackson and Chuck Norris.
[edit] Jack Bauer
A sequel is now in the works featuring the return of Oprah and the coming of Jack Bauer. The film is already slated for a September release whenever all of the dust settles. Also, a ginormous fight scene between Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer is also planned to happen, although this is pure guesswork by the filmmakers, as the event is still going on. We all sincerely hope that Reality As We Know It will still exist by the end.
[edit] REVIEWS
"A masterpiece" - Fuck Norris (Fuck Norris' last words)
"Why is my brother so stupid! This is more then a masterpiece. It's a centerpiece, the greatest film of all time(with the exception of King Kong)"- Luck Norris (Luck Norris' last words)
"Truly great porn." - Chuck Norris
"What the fuck was that rubbish?" - Jeremy Clarkson (Clarkson's last words)
"A cinematic feast" - Chuck Norris''
"THAT WAS FUUUUCKIN' AWEEEESOOOMMMMEEEEE........" - Eric Cartman
"That was absolute fucking garbage." - Jesus III
"The box office needs an original epic adventure once in a while. This movie proves that." - Movie Critics Board
"That ain't how no world gonna end! The world gonna end when I introduce my new strain of syphillis into the human race! Duh!" - Delicious jones
"Every so often, but not very often...becuase then that would be very often as opposed to only every so often... a movie comes along that raises the motion-picture-bar to lofty new heights. Figuratively of course. The motion-picture-bar is still next to the popcorn stand. Films like "Raging Bull", "Citizen Kane", or "Weekend at Bernies". This might also be one of those films. Well, obviously not "Raging Bull", "Citizen Kane", or "Weekend at Bernies", because it has a totally different name, and re-releasing "Raging Bull" under the title of "Apocalypse" would make very little sense...but a similar bar raising type experience. The figurative bar." - Donald Rumsfeld
"I saw a movie once. This wasnt it." - Fidel Castro
[edit] See Also
