Apple Inc.

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“Check out our new ifart app with real fart smells sure all of the good apps are banned but hey with this you wont need stock checking or google voice ”

~ Steve Jobs on App store

“You've been ifuckinpwneeeeeeed!!”

~ Steve Jobs on Pwning n00bs

“The iBauer is our answer to terrorism - it can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one mile radius using innovative new technology, viz., CTU, and then DO something about it! Perfect for traveling, or for looking up fellow terrorists.”

~ Steve Jobs on Apple's innovative new iBauer

“It has NO application or battery! But it looks cool! And only costs 0.99 cents.”

~ Steve Jobs on Apple's new iPoor device

“No comment!”

~ Steve Jobs on Apple's new wildly popular iVoid, silent, invisible and wireless devices which are rumored to not actually exist

“It's good to keep track of all your failed plans!”

~ Steve Jobs on Apple's new iLose application

“I don't have much time. Apple is taking over the world. Their iPods will transform into tiny killing machines that will slaughter the men and steal the women. You have to destroy every single Apple product you have before it's too laAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT”

~ Unknown messenger from the Future

Apple Incorporated
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ab/Apple-logo.png
Slogan	It's Time To Fly
Established	Wellington, New Zealand (March 31 1912, as Apple Corps)
Type	Private Corporation
Founder	Lesbian Anonymous Group, Steve Jobs
Location	Astana, Kazakhstan
Industry	Computing, Contraception, Home Abortion Kits, Lingerie
Employees	36 full-time; 23 temporary
Products	Panties, Pads, Condoms, MP3 Players, Windows OS, Dell Products
Revenue	Enough To Get By On
Parent	Steve Jobs (DECEASED PLOX!)
Website	Apple.com

Apple Incorporated is a company based in Kalifornia, Integrated Union. Created by The Beatles, Steven P Jobs, who is known for single-handedly inventing fish, air, Bill Gates, and most likely catsup. His opinion on ketchup is unknown at this time.

Contents 1 History is shit and smells of waffles and many other various odours 1.1 Popularized the personal computer 1.2 Evolution & Nick Doman is a twat hello Josh!!! 2 STUART RICHARDS IS THE KING OF THE WHOLE EWIDE WORLD ROFLCOPTER!!!!! 3 Revolutionary Apple Downgrade System 3.1 To upgrade an iCRac 3.2 To Change iPod Battery 3.3 iPod-iGun Suicide Function 3.4 To upgrade an iMac (includes brand new very iMediocre software for users who are iStupid) 4 Fun Activities 4.1 Pro League Baseball 4.2 Business Use 4.3 Lawsuits 5 Marketing and Product Launch 6 Pear 7 iProducts 7.1 The Apple 7.2 Apple Macbook 7.3 iiPod 7.4 iAlienPod 7.5 iRipley 7.6 iK47 7.7 iCool 7.8 iCrap 7.9 iBauer 7.10 iBoob 7.11 iPack 7.12 iWant You 7.13 Fat Squared Technology 7.13.1 iFat 7.13.2 iFood 7.14 iGun 7.14.1 iTouch myself (read aloud) 7.14.2 iEye 7.15 iCar 7.16 iSpy 7.17 iDarleene 7.18 iTarzanYouJane 7.19 iHateYou 7.20 iQuit 7.21 iLoan 7.22 iBroke 7.23 iScore 7.24 iFucked 7.25 iHigh 7.26 iWrecked 7.27 iHouse 7.28 iSore 7.29 iSlave 7.30 iTouchKidz 7.31 iNstine 7.32 iRaqs 7.33 iRan 7.34 iRobot 7.35 iPneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis 7.36 iWin 7.37 iCaramba! 7.38 iRan 7.39 iRack 7.40 iPi 7.41 iBeam 7.42 iSearch 7.43 iEye 7.44 iClaudius 7.45 iPedia 7.46 iStole and iPunish 7.47 The Apple(fruit) 7.48 iGuevara 7.49 iAmGay 7.50 The i 7.51 iSmell 8 Why Macz is Shit 9 See also

[edit] History is shit and smells of waffles and many other various odours

Founded by luke pugh and luke h.s in 1969, Apple for some inexplicable reason did nothing as a company except lose all The Beatles' money to Yoko Ono. Finally in 1976, the company was bought for "an imaginary 5 shillings" by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak and moved to Cupertino, California. Their mission was to someday invent a portable music player and song-purchasing store on computers where you could buy any music ever made except for Beatles music. In other words, macs fucking suck. (Before you start reading this article, keep in mind that the original apple computer was designed to be edible) The gospel of Jobs states that the company successfully marketed the first personal computer, making their founders millionaires overnight. They soon became friends with a company called Microsoft, Microsoft wrote crappy software for Apple's Computers. In 1984 Apple unveiled the Macintosh, Microsoft was so impressed they asked Apple to licence the OS to other manufacturers, Apple's CEO (not Jobs), in his arrogance, refused, he then proceeded to fire Jobs for no reason. Microsoft copied Apple's OS and marketed it as Windows. Turned out that it was a good idea, Apple were screwed. Apple's computers were too expensive next to computers made by other companies, no matter how much better they were, and without Jobs, they couldn't get any better.

It took Jobs coming back in a ray of bright light in 1997 to bring the company back to life. Over the next few years Jobs tormented his nemesis at Microsoft, Bill Gates, by surrounding him with symbols of his betrayal, Apple iPods, so called "music players" that when driven into Seattle begin to emit a high pitch scream which is unmistakably that of Jobs. Meanwhile Jobs has single handedly recoded the entire Macintosh Operating System, and redesigned all their computer line up to at least 10 years more advanced technology than you would find in any other computer. What's worse, is that now every Mac has a huge Apple logo on the back, so it's easy to see when somebody owns one. Especially if they work for a competitor.

Recently it has become apparent that in order to emphasise how Jobs feels the Windows betrayal personally, he has used 'i' at the start of every product name. This includes such iWords as the iMac, iPod, iCry, iHate,iTrytolive, iRan, iRaq and the iRack. Recently however, Apple have neglected the i for the word 'Mac' as a precursor to their product names, McDonalds has as you would expect filed a McSuit against Apple.

Later, they developed a set of iCircuit boards that emulated the organic version without the iSpoilage factor. This popular iModel was called the iApple. Unfortunately, in doing so, Apple had inadvertently recreated the same iApple that that got those naked iPeople kicked out of iParadise for eating, and accordingly the iApple was cursed by iGod and Apple's sales plummeted. Upon realizing their mistake, Apple computers redesigned the iApple, so that its curse will only get the user kicked out of iLAN parties. Shortly thereafter, Microsoft sized original plans for the iApple and used it to create Windows.

Windows was actually stolen when a young Steve Jobs broke into Microsoft, released Nerve gas to kill everyone, and stole a windows computer that he then reverse engineered. Reportedly he held his breath so the gas wouldn't kill him, but some say he just imagined the whole thing. Both are equally likely.

[edit] Popularized the personal computer

iApple started the Graphic Avatar Wars, with the first ever version of iCastle Wolfenstein, which was like the iArcade game iBerzerk, only with iGerman speech. So far in the iWars, more game-based iCharacters have been islaughtered than the entire human population several times over. Unfortunately for the fools at Apple, it took them years to realize that their crap wasn't compatible with anything. Considering they control less than 6% of the computer market, it was a bad move on their part to even think about existing.

The new iPod Flea that everyone is talking about is actually a masturbation tool used by girls, and boys some how, which they stuff the iPod flea in their iHoles and iPenises and listen to music while feeling good and thinking about sex while doing that, but the earphone cords are too short so they just use it for music.

Apple Technology has created the best penis yet, it is called the Adult iPod, it will urge you to buy it and make you want to masturbate to the beat.

[edit] Evolution & Nick Doman is a twat hello Josh!!!

The company later developed an iGUI and advanced iProcessor for its next generation of iComputers, the iMacintosh. To keep it from too becoming popular, they hindered it with low memory space, a mini screen, and an tendency for the power supplies to iAsplode.

This limiting factor in keeping iComputers from becoming truly functional was observed by Bill Gates who expanded on the iConcept with Microsoft Windows. iCompetitors such as the Commodore 64 were more successful in implementing this iConcept and managed to fully cease their retailing of iComputers. The Coleco Adam still holds the record for the most successful disabling of iUtility and prevented sales into the millions by having virtually every iModel ever made recalled. The Apple iComputer evolved from apes.

[edit] STUART RICHARDS IS THE KING OF THE WHOLE EWIDE WORLD ROFLCOPTER!!!!!

The following statement, just the next sentence to be exact, is subject to much, but actually very little, controversy as in nothing more than an opinion spouted off as fact.

Apple may convert to Intel which will make their machines almost as bad as Wintel machines.

With the new chips, Apple may face a civil war as IBM 'loyalists' face off against the 'Progressive' Intelites. Few can comprehend the social costs of such a war, as it would divide one of the few technological armies which stand against the dominant Microsoft Empire. To make matters worse, there are rumors of the new OS Roman Numeral 10 'Tabby' being run on standard PCs, creating fears of an army of mutant MacWindows with no loyalties to their mother Apple and being a brat to their abusive father Microsoft. Also, beware of the fabled Apple gamer. They may claim that Apple computers have superior games and technology to play those games, but do not believe them, becuase they are brainwashed by Apple and will take a iBullet for Steve Jobs, this is why they have absolutley no common sense at all, and are mindless zombies. Usually, if any games come out (which many believe never happens), then it is usually filled with subliminal messages that reshape the Mac owner's mind to constantly talk about how the "cool" aqua boxes magically slide on and off the screen when they hit f11, and shrink with a so-called "genie" effect (ha, should have wished for vista!). Also, if such games do come out, they usually come out 10 or 12 years after they are made available to normal OS's, such as Windows, Linux, or Triangles.

Once you slap that "Intel inside!" label over your blue Apple icon, you are then allowed to fill up your hard drive with as much Microsoft Premiere "software" as you can get your nabby little hands on, in exactly the same manner you dumped all your household medical waste into your neighborhood stream that stormy night! Apple even prepackages a disk to patch their "software" that purportedly fixes all bugs that have laid dormant since 1987, including the archaic wmiprvse bug where apparently bill gates misspelled "Microsoft" as "Nicrosoft" in the wmiprvse.exe application (which caused the OS to react strangely to Mac and Linux users, slowing the machine down to a crawl and causing random inconsistencies that never end until the user breaks their forehand against the glass screen, which was common on most monitors of the time). Unfortunately, due to Microsoft's Theft Protection policy (also known as the "I stole your feature, ha ha! *pie face*" policy) you have to reboot your mac and hold down both apple keys along with the z and all ten numerical keys simultaneously while clicking on the mouse button repeatedly in the rhythm of "baa baa black sheep" in order to select Windows as your boot system. Simply repeat this process whenever you get too frustrated with one OS and the computer will explode seamlessly! The alternative is to use emulation software such as... well just about any one that starts with Win... or Lose. That way you can reap the benefit of not being able to use either OS's software and enjoy the hypnotic animation of that pretty colorful spinny thingy that you can move around the screw with your mouse.

[edit] Revolutionary Apple Downgrade System

In a genius move, aimed at giving the consumer a fair and cost-effective method to upgrade/service their products, Apple put the RAUS method into place in 1382; the very same year that Steve Jobs sold his soul (and the soul of a small Japanese girl) to Satan: Lord of the Underworld.

The reason the system was found to be so revolutionary is that it consists of three simple, idiot-proof steps.

[edit] To upgrade an iCRac

1. Throw away existing iCRac.
2. Buy new iCRac.
3. Attend job you despise in order to make money to "upgrade" again next month.

The same system was put in place with regard to servicing iPods with dead batteries (which usually occurs between 6-8 minutes of purchase, or between 1-2 charges).

[edit] To Change iPod Battery

1. Throw away existing iPod with dead battery.
2. Buy new Ipod.
3. Buy all new songs to fill you brand new Ipod with.

Should replacing your purchase every three weeks become too much of a burden to bear, the iPod can also be used as a handy and efficient suicide device.

[edit] iPod-iGun Suicide Function

1. Wear white headphones in Brixton (South London for you Yanks) at 3am (preferably after attending a particularly trendy gig with all your Art Student friends at the Brixton Academy).
2. Be identified as an Apple enthusiast from a distance (Thank you stylish white headphones!).
3. Get robbed and stabbed in the chest seven times.
4. Die.

[edit] To upgrade an iMac (includes brand new very iMediocre software for users who are iStupid)

1. Switch on iMac, takes a while as the hatred of windows software needs time to initialise.
2. Keep waiting, iIncompatibility is loading.
3. Keep waiting.
4. Keep waiting, iMac is tired. This is why most iUsers never turn off their Mac, and just let it iSleep.
5. Keep waiting; consider getting some excersise, which you desperately need, on an iTreadmill.
6. Use safari to access upgrademe.com. Smile and contemplate the fact you are the soon to be the owner of a totally average operating system.
7. Watch in frustration as the iMachine freezes and locks up.
8. Whilst waiting, consider filling out an iComplaint for Apple by simply bashing the keyboard with your iFists and iHead.
9. Buy a PC, which, while infested with spyware and viruses, will not kill your inner child.
10. Alternatively, pull the plug and repeat from step 1 until an iPatch is released to keep your iPrograms open for more than 10 iSeconds

[edit] Fun Activities

Some of the fun activities associated with iApple iComputers are drawing crappy pictures with an iMouse, looking for a decent iGame that works, smashing your iMac to pieces when you realize that you cannot get a decent game on it, and feeling bad about being ripped off. Testing of iGames is difficult, as many iMac users consider playing games on your computer rather silly. 100% of PC software available is incompatible unless you choose to allow your iMac to emulate a PC. Fortunately this includes emulating all iSpyware and iViruses.
Shopping for compatible accessories and software is a fun scavenger hunt, equal in challenge to finding your leg.

[edit] Pro League Baseball

Apple Computers get very very bored, so they decided to make a baseball team. iProLegueBaseball included them in "Expansion Era LXIX". They are the 5th team in the iPacificCoastDivison. They have already won 69 PLB Titles, without playing a single game. The manager is Steve Jobs. Steve Wozniak is relegated to being that douche who dances on top of the visitors' dugout, turning them gay and automatically giving iApple the win. They go undefeated every year. Once again, they have NOT played a single iGame.

[edit] Business Use

Noticing that people who prefer iMacs don't use them to play iGames, many publishing companies use iMacintoshes in their layout designing. Other media iCompanies have found iMacs to be useful in keeping their iOperators from being distracted from work by playing iSolitaire.

Optimised for iGraphics, they are mainly consumed by iPeople who can't be bothered reading complex iComputer code such as CD C:\Documents\Files\text\. Mac users are forced to double-iClick an iCon instead.

Comparing iApple computers with IBM computers is like comparing iApples and iOranges. iOranges are less successful as they have thick iImpenetrable skins, a covering of nasty iPith and don't taste at all pleasant. Some iPeople, however, insist that they are an iGoodThing and still continue to consume them.

[edit] Lawsuits

Suing corporations is the Great American Pastime™. Apple, Inc. is no different.

One notable time, Apple was sued by the Beatles because the American and British public were too goddamned stupid to tell the difference between computers and vinyl discs. To settle the lawsuit, Apple said that they would never, ever, ever do anything related to music ever, and wrote a song about it entitled "Sosumi" (pronounced "so-sue-me").

Apple then saw something about this whole Internet thing and launched a plan to take over the music industry. The Beatles got pissed again (well, Ringo Starr got pissed, since he's the only living Beatle. How the hell did that happen?), and hauled Apple's ass back to court. This time, the lawsuit ended with Apple essentially becoming the Beatles. With these new rights over all things Beatles, Apple decided to resurrect John Lennon and groom him as the eventual replacement for Steve Jobs.

[edit] Marketing and Product Launch

Apple typically hides their newest product in the dark and develops them in the dark e.g. iPhoto, and lets no one else know what they are doing until their iLaunch product launch conferences. These conferences are typically endorsed by celebrities and are marketed that way to incorporate not only iFans, but other celebrity-related fans.

Apple usually compare their products along their competitors to demonstrate why their iProducts are better than their competitors, e.g. Microsoft Windows. There are always some reasons why Macs are better. Below is one of their iLaunches and a typical advertising campaign.

[edit] Pear

Pear is Apple's new arch nemesis, operating in a hole located in Sheffield. Pear's list of products isn't as long-winded as Apple's but by heck, what they've got so far is bloody impressive. The ePhone is more or less an iPhone with no screen, so you have to throw it at the wall just to turn it on.

Then there's the uPod, which smells but is useful for wiping your arse with.

[edit] iProducts

Because if it has an "i" at the start, its Apple

[edit] The Apple

Apple began experimental research and development on gene manipulation in the 1980s, as a way to grow copies of the logo organically. The only result was some form of multicolored bulb. Seeing that the project was making dismal progress, the program was canceled after only a few years.

A solution was soon found, however, at no cost to Apple. In 2001, Apple, Inc. had become so popular that a farmer, an art student with no computer experience, by the name of Louis the Third discovered a sweet, red fruit, and decided to name it the "Apple" - because it looked so similar to the logo of Apple, Inc.

[edit] Apple Macbook

Powered by a miniature nuclear reactor. As such, using it on your lap will melt your genitals. It is similar to sticking your prong into a George Foreman Grill. Like making a penis panini.

[edit] iiPod

Apple felt jealous because of the Apple iPod's success, which caused Apple to make its own version. the iiPod. there are many differences which tech geeks, geekstas and nerds argue which is better.

[edit] iAlienPod

Ripley's worst nightmare. Has acid for batteries. With only one application, "iConsume." Use with caution. Not for adults. Warning! This device has a serious attitude problem. Don't let one loose on Earth.

[edit] iRipley

Alien's worst nightmare. Has acid for circuits. With only one application, "iKickAss." Use with caution. Not for kids, because they might use the device on other children. Has a 30 year battery.

[edit] iK47

A white rebranded, more expensive music playing assault rifle. Very good for shooting, reliable, made of disposable high icarbon crap. Bullets can be purchased for 99 cents each, or 9.99 for a full cartridge from iTUNES. In contrast, competitors will rent you unlimited bullets for $14.95 per month. The iK47 is known to be a favorite of our boys in Iraq. Sadly, they have to go to war with the weapons they have, not the weapons they'd actually need to win a war.

[edit] iCool

This device has no application other than the Apple logo®. But it speaks for itself.

[edit] iCrap

The apple iCrap was released after the iRaq. It lets you surf the web and talk with your friends all while you Piss in the Toilet. It looked like a piece of chocolate. It also lets you play music, watch videos, and play games like pooptris. It also competed against Nintendo's PS7, and the widely popular Microsoft product the Pune. It is also notable for influencing every Mac product released in later years.

[edit] iBauer

The iBauer is Apple's answer to terrorism, it only has 4 applications, viz., Stomp, Punch, Shoot, and Disintegrate. It is always right. It runs on a 10,000 year nuke-battery. The iBauer can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist from within a one mile radius using innovative new CTU technology, viz., Terrorscopics, and then DO something about it! Perfect for traveling, or for looking up fellow terrorists. Next, Apple has announced their upcoming iRaq and iRan devices to combat the iBauer in real life. They don't stand a chance.

[edit] iBoob

[edit] iPack

Tired of all that annoying lugging around of heavy objects? Use the iPack, which uses hypercube data stolen from Jimmy Neutron to store all of your belongings in your own personal hyperspace allotment. WARNING: Steve Jobs reserves the right to steal your stuff at any given time for no reason.

[edit] iWant You

This section is about propaganda. Apple is a well known creator of propaganda. Do not fall victim to it.

[edit] Fat Squared Technology

Fat Squared is the core technology behind iFat and iFood.

[edit] iFat

With latest models of iPod not being suitable for fat people, with the Fat Squared Technology, the new iFat is roll resistant with Fat (cannot be lost within layers of fat), and is sprayed with the essence of exercise so they wont be tempeted to eat it. And, just like other iPod models, has an astonishing battery life of 3.25 minutes! It even support food scents and food skinned cases. Unlike other Apple products, iFat has a very different user interface. Its new user interface, F.A.T., was designed by Fat Squared Research Group to look especially pleasant to fat people.

[edit] iFood

iFood is Apple Foodalator.

[edit] iGun

The iGun is a compact, 9mm, single action, semi-automatic pistol that holds a 10-round magazine. It has a central core made of hard-anodized titanium alloy encased in a shockproof, translucent plastic shell and will be sold in a range of aesthetically pleasing colours. It is also Bluetooth and Wi-Fi enabled and has a 8Gb storage drive.

On the day when it was launched, the company CEO delighted the audience by firing several live rounds into the air then, moments later, logging onto a Yahoo! news site and proudly displaying the downloaded headline: 'JOBS FIRES GUN AT PRESS CONFERENCE.'

[edit] iTouch myself (read aloud)

It's true I do. Well obvs man :D

[edit] iEye

The iEye was first introduced by Apple in 2003. It's a prosthetic eye that plays music.

[edit] iCar

Travel in style with the sleek white vehicle that has built in docking station for all Apple products. It automatically sync with iPod, iHouse, iMac, iFat, iFood, and all other apple products. Fueled by the competition between it and Microsoft it gets about 20 miles to the purchase of an Apple product and an added 5 miles for every subconscious thought. It boasts an astonishing 800 iPower pulling off from 0-60 in 7 iPod song synchronizations. Now available in black or white.

iCar OS X Cheetah (64bit) was released in April 4th 2031. iCar OS X Puma (What did I tell you about making up animals!) (64bit) was released in October 28th 2032. iCar OS X Jaguar (128bit) was released in February 9th 2034. iCar OS X Panther (128bit) was released in May 24th 2035. iCar OS X Tiger (128bit) was released in January 10th 2037. iCar OS X Leopard (256 bit) was released in March 3rd 2039

[edit] iSpy

The iSpy is Apple's surveillance networked hooked up to all iWebcams. Look out, there're watching you, simply to observe what other strange phenomena those who live in a world without windows do (this iS iNcluded in the standard form of agreement)

[edit] iDarleene

Worlds most advanced chatbot (happened quietly like Peak Oil, some years ago.) Under wraps until at least 2010. Can be found on Justin TV if you are Industrious enough to locate her. Lures unwary pueblerinos to their deaths. Very helpful in her Yahoo Answers guise, this self confessed "Vampire" who goes by the name Scarlett there, provides answers to life's most vexing problems. You've been warned.

[edit] iTarzanYouJane

Useful when meeting a beautiful girl deep in the African jungle. Contains "Ape" Dictionary with illustrations.

[edit] iHateYou

Go Away >:(

[edit] iQuit

Useful for after you've been fired. Tells the boss, "where to go", in 16 languages, including Chinese.

[edit] iLoan

So you can afford all the products

[edit] iBroke

Useful when you can NOT afford all the products. Contains a cloaking application called "iAin'tHome".

[edit] iScore

The iScore was the iPod that got guys the girls. Giggity, Giggity, Giggity!, ALL RIIIGHT!!!

[edit] iFucked

Useful when confronted by Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, Joe Pesci, Tony Jaa, or Pee Wee Herman (contains cyanide).

[edit] iHigh

This device is nick-named iCandyMan, and is only sold in California and Holland with a medical prescription. It has four applications, viz., iH, iE, iA, and iC, plus a Home Button also called iTHC. Battery-life depends on amount of usage.

[edit] iWrecked

Useful when you are stone-drunk and fallen in a stupor. It has a homing-beacon with map, plus the applications, iWho? and iWhere? A loud "SOS" button-application may be downloaded from iTunes.

[edit] iHouse

Remote key less entry via your Apple device signature, unlocking the doors as you approach. The house is completely self sustaining and operates for 14 hours on one charge. The iHouse does not have any windows. UPDATE iHouse 2.0 - iHouse now comes with integrated iGarage, the iCar Docking station. However it doesn't support windows. iSight was added and automatic synchronization with the iSights of other Apple products. When iSight senses unwanted fat people entering, it alerts iFat and then iPolice. UPDATE! iHouse 2.4.3 - It has no windows??? Exactly...

[edit] iSore

A failed prototype that was launched early but failed to catch consumers attention due to the shitty design.

[edit] iSlave

With the new iMac Steve needed a little more power, so thousands of Albanian slaves are packed into that little computer. Japanese were used to do the math with their feet.

[edit] iTouchKidz

By Micheal Jackson

Originally brought out as a version of the iTouch just for kids, it sparked huge controversy particularly as the slogan was 'Making a Statement' As a result millions of apples were taken from the Food 4 Africa store and burnt this resulted in the great famine of paedos^[wtf?] which killed 70,000 Ethiopians.

[edit] iNstine

Apple invented the function on the iPod "genius" which listens to a good song you playing and finds a totally crap song to replace it, but apple have now invented iNstine, an iPod-like device witch brings genius to a whole new level and takes one of your songs (loaded onto the device it using iTunes)and spams you with a load of shit songs you don't want.

[edit] iRaqs

A build your own Vietnam situation building set. Comes with: corrupt politicians, brainless/brainwashed citizens, large armies with real firearms and gaseous weapons, American Weapons of Care and Nurturing(aka Strategic Weapons aka Weapons of Collateral Damage), body parts and more. A small task force of Swedish UN weapons inspectors is also available in the collector's edition. For a small extra fee you also receive Anthrax, terrorists operatives suicide bombers and Boeing 737's. For specially hand crafted American and iRaqi tyrants see registration form and contact your local Kremlin Office. (Weapons of Mass Deception sold separately)

[edit] iRan

Useful when you arrive at your destination after running from anywhere - to best describe how you came there/here.

[edit] iRobot

iRobot is the latest invention of Apple. This sleek new Robot can vacuum the house, cook high-class food, do the dishes, your laundry, your wife and can even send your kids to school. It comes with a built in Safety feature that makes it unable to kill any human *Wink*. Will Smith would be proud. The Wife version of iRobot comes with a very sweet user interface that makes looks sexy for you. However, only supports iHouse and other Apple Products.

[edit] iPneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

iPneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is the first and only computer virus that affects Apple products.

[edit] iWin

...and uLose. If you have to ask why, then you've never played The Game. yea you all are n00bs.

[edit] iCaramba!

New hands-free smart-Vibrator for Spanish speakers. Early reports are of low battery life expectancy

[edit] iRan

Should the iRaq not work out for you, the iRan will!

[edit] iRack

This is Apple's way of fixing the Middle East, with an easy to use interface and User Friendly Commands you can do what you want with iRaq. Don't worry if your screw up, there's always the iRan!

[edit] iPi

This was made by Apple during the mid 5th century. People began to eat the iPi and became terribly ill and died. This was known as the Black Death, so Apple changed their colors to the white. Apple has never claimed responsibility for this, and blamed their rival company, Microsoft.

[edit] iBeam

Not to be confused with the iPlank, the iBeam is Apples attempt to steal and patent the idea lying behind the infamous Eye Beams. Steve Jobs installed the first one into Pope John Paul 2.0, creating the world's first iPope.

[edit] iSearch

Recently Apple used their iK47s and invaded Google. Google then surrendered and Larry Page and Sergey Brin were executed, letting Apple take control of the search engine. Shortly after taking over Google, Apple changed Google's name into iSearch.

[edit] iEye

Apple's latest re-flogging of an exhausted brand prefix, the iEye is the latest innovation in eye replacement software. Not only will the iEye let you see in up to 700 different colours, as normal (or Windows) eyes do but your eye will be able to access the internet, store up to 75,000,000,000 different songs (provided each of these songs takes up a maximum 2Kb and last for approximately 0.35 seconds), play normally embarrassing videos which no one else will know you are watching, see through walls, see through ice-creams, see through boring, long-running and hastily put together lists used for comedic purposes; and it can slice bagels (Note: the Apple iEye is not compatible with current, ham or Blackberry iBagels).

The iEye sold over 4 million units in it's first week after the US release. Over 80% of these sales were by pirates, plotting to use them for awful puns involving talking like a pirate.

[edit] iClaudius

Not actually an Apple product, iClaudius is a British made TV series covering the life of Roman Emperors, from the Augustine period to the end of Claudius' reign. The title has caused much confusion in the past and now the clever people at Uncyclopedia want to confuse you even more.

[edit] iPedia

Apple bought out Wikipedia and changed it to iPedia, what next? Apple did a pretty crappy job on redesigning the logo. Fortunately, they were persuaded not to buy uncyclopedia becuase they were unprepared to try adding i's before a vowel

[edit] iStole and iPunish

Inspired by the term "Crime & Punishment", the iStole the iPunish and the ideath were created when Apple received complaints that the iPod was too easy to steal. The iStole was a free iPod with better features and more storage space, while the iPunish was an automated defence system set to kill anyone who used iStole. The iStole was a huge hit, unfortunatly, however, the iPunish killed every last fan of the iStole, so Apple had to scrap then iStole and iPunish. The iPunish was particularly effective at situation adaptation, for example, if it was wet, it'd produce a 2000000-volt electric shock, or if it sensed more than one "theif", it would provide either a clone of Chuck Norris the purple king, or a Gruelepianerfalskrag, depending on whether or not it is dark. The iPunish is still used in foreign countries as a doomsday device for the 21st century.

[edit] The Apple(fruit)

Apple's attempt to design a fruit lead to the creation of the iAppler.This easy to use kitchen tool involves placing modelling clay into the Apple logo at the top of the machine and pressing Start.After 3 minutes you have an Apple!The fruit is green,tasty and is the exact shape of the Apple logo.Although very few humans eat Apples,the fruit is very popular with bats and Hillary Clintonicnot.

In 2001, Apple Inc. had become so popular, that a farmer by the name of Louis the Third discovered a sweet, red fruit, and decided to name it the "Apple" - because it looked so similar to the logo of Apple Inc.

[edit] iGuevara

The iChe for short was a revolutionary new technology in Unamerica. It claimed Cuba as part of the Apple Corporation, which was renamed iCastroland.

[edit] iAmGay

A multi-functional device by apple inc.

With many applications such as iDivorce, iSuckBalls and i♂♂.Comes with the FPP (Female Protection Plan)Is Primally used by people such as Bill Gates.

[edit] The i

The i is shiny, it's chrome, it's silicon dioxide. Chromey, glassey, shiny. It's so shiny you can't tell the difference between the chrome and the glass, or form the other metals and there are metals all over the i. Metals that you haven't even heard of before like palladium, like polonium beryllium. Base metals like nickel, transmuted by the iAlchemists into white gold.

It's shaped like the curve of a woman; soft, supple; longing for your touch. It's waking up and making you breakfast; orange juice; toast; scrambled eggs. The back is glossy. A glossy, celluloid, matrix composite that is both reflective and smooth to the touch. It has four air holes equidistant from each other.It has a nub. A glowing, LCD nub, fully luminescent, fully metallic and 100% spherical. The wealthier you are the less expensive it seems to cost.

[edit] iSmell

Probably the best ever product not on the market (due to its huge amounts of lynxthrax), the iSmell is the toilet air freshener that plays music as you spray. Now you won't care about the horrors of the latest turd to drop in that toilet!

The official unveiling of The i

[edit] Why Macz is Shit

Mac's cause epic grammar loss, as this poor man has shown.

Punctuation errors are also common, as demonstrated by the user above.

It is expected that many Mac users bitch too much about punctuation and grammar, as indicated by the two above users.

[edit] See also

• Microsoft
• iiPod
• Windows Error
• iMacintosh
• iApple Company
• iPods
• Steve "Hand" Jobs
• Spinning Wheel of Death
• Cosmic Apple
• Great Apple Massacre
• Mcintosh
• Blacktown
• Bobbing for apples
• Pear
• List of minor iProducts
• iMovie
• Mac OS 10.5
• Web Design
• One thing PC users can do that Apple users cannot

20, 8, 5, 25, 23, 9, 12, 12, 20, 1, 11, 5, 15, 22, 5, 8