Apple pie

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You just came.

“What the FUCK don't you understand about APPLE PIE?!”

~ Cristian Bale on Apple Pie


~ Vince from those Shamwow commercials on all the products he sells, and Apple Pie

“Honestly, I prefer pumpkin”

~ Oscar Wilde on Apple Pie

“I don't know.”

~ Joaquin Pheonix on most things

Let's say you took Jesus Christ himself, and baked him at 400 degrees farenheit. You would get Apple Pie. Don't like Apple Pie? You probably also hate God. There was a period in history, believe it or not, when this tasty treat had yet to be invented. This is otherwise known as the period before the creation of the world when God decided to get some baking done. However, if you hate God, it is otherwise known as the Big Bang. Most people, when biting into the flaky, warm crust of an Apple Pie sometimes wonder to themselves, "How the fuck am I so happy right now?"

The answer? America.

Ways to help make a pie look more desirable than it already is...[edit]

1. Put excessive amounts of whipped cream on top of the pie until you can no longer see the slice.

2. Starve yourself by laying a piece of pie in front of yourself and not eating anything for a 24 hour period.

4. Starve friends or family, then stare at them as you eat a slice of pie in front them (make sure to make it look as good as possible by exerting lots of "Oh's" "Yes's" "Ah's" and "Mmm's" as you devour the slice. Do not hesitate to rub any of the filling into your chest...softly...)

5. Put your favorite type of ice cream on top of the slice, or next to it, or inside it, or underneath it, or fuck, leave it out!

6. Just look at the pie for a while, and without noticing it, you have probably already eaten it! Haha! HAHAHA!

7. What's more American than apple pie? Apple pie with extra cheese. Go on pick your favorite American cheese flavour, red or white. Then just slide it onto the barbecue. Go on, add some bacon and deep fry it too. Mmmm...

8. Apple Pie cannot be made any more desirable than it already is, in which case none of the above will work, in which case you have wasted minutes of your life.


1. Muhammad lived for 175 years, subsisting on a diet entirely of apple pie.

2. Your favorite food is actually Apple Pie.

3. Apple Pie is your state bird.

4. Apple Pie barely tastes like apples

5. If apple pie tasted anything like apples, it would be fucking gross.