Archaeology
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“Like digging.”
~ Lord Lucan on Archaeology
Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of) is the study of really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with "archeology" due to the almost-identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing.
While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new stuff by looking at old stuff. This, my friends, is a paradox! Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then? Do they get freaky with their electrons? What about the protons and neutrons and plasma? Why did I fail my Chemistry exam, and does this have something to do with the fact I don't know what I'm talking about?
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[edit] Origins
Although a dark shroud of mystery obscures the exact origins of archaeology, expert scientists from Winchester University The Department for the Study and Protection of Archaeology and Llamas believe that archaeology presented itself as an actual science when it was discovered that there was enough old stuff to actually study. Prior to this (August 17th 2003), there just wasn't enough dross to go around. The role of the expanding market and bartering websites such as eBay has enabled people to sell all that random junk they dug up in their garden. An explosion in "artifacts" (old stuff) resulted. Artifacts therefore became readily available for academic consideration, and many crusty old ex-history professors became very excited. This was how modern archaeology was born.
What can you learn from archaeology? Well, lots! If you examine a musket from 1743 very, very carefully, you'll learn and understand thermodynamics, AND how stuff was killed way back when! Amazing! Or, if you look at an 8th century B.C. vase from Ancient Greece, you'll suddenly understand what that movie "Koyaanisqatsi" was all about, you remember that one - the musical documentary about ancient kitten traps.
[edit] Big-sounding Words Often Used by Archaeologists to Confuse the General Population
- Animalism — using an animal as a digging tool.
- Branc — Czech holiday resort.
- Belgium — small European country.
- Fish — water-dwelling, squirming species often found in water.
- Inductively Coupled Plasma-Atomic Emission Spectrometry — Spectrometry using inductively coupled plasma... what it says there.
- Mattock — small pickaxe widely used in political assassinations (see Trotsky).
- Middle Range Theory — A good idea that doesn't quite make sense but sounds impressive.
- Sondage — small hole for hiding corpses. Often used in conjunction with archaeology to conceal excavation, most famously used for Trotsky's corpse.
- Topographical survey — looking at the surface of stuff, because what's underneath might be poking up through the grass - like Trotsky's corpse.
- Neolithic circled enclosures - "Dear god, there's nothing here but a stain in the dirt and a bunch of specks of carbon. Why didn't I go on the Roman villa excavation?! Oh no wait, here's a broken pot..."
- Ceremonial Purposes - this supreme get-out clause can be used to define the purpose of an ancient object that no one has a clue about (See Tony Robinson).
- Ritual - the answer to all interpretation questions otherwise left unanswered, a similar scientific method to the one above.
[edit] Methods of Archaeological Study
[edit] Digging, Non-Invasive Surveying and Looking Clever
Digging is the most important of the three archaeological disciplines (the other two being looking important and occasionally saying "hmmm" to obfuscate your confusion). This is because digging gives the intrepid archaeologist the precious, precious artifacts; non invasive surveys simply give you more maps, and that's, like, what the historians are into...perhaps the "looking clever..." one is the second most important, as sounding intelligent can sometimes get a very ugly person laid, and keeping chipper is key to an archaeologist's mental health.
However, international law states the excavation cannot take place on areas deemed unfit for environmental reasons. For example, plague pits in Europe, Disneyland for it's nauseating cheerfulness, and Ireland have all been declared unfit for further excavation.
Fortunately, this has left a large amount of space left to dig. Mattocks are commonly used as the major digging tool, it has been realised that their use in political assassinations is lucrative to the intrepid young archaeologist. Some archaeologists use heavy machinery as their primary tool(s) for digging. These are lots of fun and made sites, now incorporating heavy machinery, look more important.
[edit] Vases
Information we gather from vases tells us that people back then were incredibly diligent. The vase making process from Ancient Mesopotamia was as follows:
A. Dig up some dirt.
B. Wet it with water.
C. Sculpt into something that resembles a vase.
D. Light the damn thing on fire.
As you can see, this was a very long and tedious process, one that only the most skilled were able to follow through. This process was invented when Patty and Selma broke all of the ancient philosopher Homer's beer glasses, and he tried to make some new ones out of clay and water. It didn't work until Patty and Selma dropped their cigarettes into the clay glasses to ruin it, but it became hard. "It's one of the most amazing phenomena that man has ever come upon" Homer claims. The other use explained above was also invented by Homer. Patty and Selma tried take credit for both of them.
[edit] Tools
Typical tools include: drills, hoovers, no more nails, wd-40, vacuum former, and duck tape. Yet another interesting branch of archaeology. This branch is meant to prove that the Native Americans were not as retarded as we think they are, capable of making simple tools such as hammers, which were considered a very complex tool at the time. Arrows, which were used for hunting, were also popular of the Native Americans, showing that they like to kill lots of things. This is a not a stereotype, people.
[edit] Statues, Paintings, & Structures
Also known as "big stone structure thingies", statues are incredibly elaborate pieces of art. Of course, something so elaborate must be made elaborately. Statues, paintings, and other forms of visual art are extremely important in archeology. These visual representations can shed a lot of light onto cultures and the kind of people within them. Very rarely are pieces of art preserved over the years in excellent condition. Michelangelo's Renaissance era piece known as David suffered many chips and a fractured phallus over the years. The Roman Colosseum is known for the huge chunk missing, which was caused by an earthquake. Attempts to superglue the chunk back on were futile.
[edit] Architecture
Architectural archaeology is the study of standing structures using techniques developed for ancient buried stuff, which is eminently sensible. Although studying buildings from an archaeological perspective has traditionally focused on the study of stately homes, churches and other high-status buildings, the modern buildings archaeologist is nowhere more at home than in a draughty post-war warehouse which was last used for manufacturing Burberry knock-offs. Other popular sites include culverts, squats, asbestos factories, motorway bridges, pylons, and Gothic cathedrals, respectively.
[edit] See also
- Archaeological Geophysics
- The Flintstones
- Paleontology
- Dorothy the Dinosaur
- Old crap
- Archaeological theory
- Barney
- Paleoanthropology
- Proctology
- Ending it all
