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Archimedes (Gr. Archimedes) was both an Ancient Greek cock lover and a Sicilian. Commonsense sterotyping would therefore lead one to assume that he was a homosexual who belonged to the Mafia, however this was not so. He was the greatest nudist of the ancient world.


Little is known about the early life of this great man, but it is reasonable to suspect that he was a huge nerd. Have you seen some of those Greek statues? Man, they had some serious jocks back in those days, so it can't have been a good time to have been a nerd. Perhaps this sowed the seeds of anger and resentment that lead Archimedes to dream up and build some of the most fearsome war machines in the ancient world.


This guy once picked Archimedes up and threw him in the pool, right in front of Betty and Veronica.

Archimedes is best known for discovering Archimedes' Principal, which means that basically, things can float. This fantastic discovery lead to the invention of the ship and, later, the surfboard.

His other great invention was the Archimedes Screw, which is not as interesting as it sounds.

He also made some interesting discoveries in geometry, particularly concerning spheres, and... look, let's say we just skip this bit and go straight on to the weapons, 'kay?

Death Weapons[edit]

Gear! When the Romans attacked Syracuse, the ruling Council of Muscle Boys plead with Archimedes to develop weapons. Archimedes agreed, on the condition that he was allowed to be smug about it.

Archimedes' Pimp Cane.[edit]

“Give me a fulcrum, a stable place to stand and a long enough pimp cane, and I'll slap those bitch-ass Romans 'til they don't know which way is up”

~ Archimedes on Pimp Canes

This gigantic, garish device was located at the entrance to Syracuse harbour. It was built of over five hundred feet of gold-plated spruce, topped with a ten-ton cubic zirconium. With this terrible weapon, the Greeks were able to go upside the Roman fleet when it sailed into range.

A short range catapault that shot razor-sharp bling was also installed, but the cane was so effective that it proved unnecessary.

Chainsaw Triremes[edit]

With the Roman fleet on the run, Archimedes convinced the Greeks to give chase in triremes of his own invention, that were rowed with chainsaws instead of oars. The Roman fleet was carved up into little pieces, with Archimedes cackling hysterically all the while.

Acid-Spraying Nunchucks[edit]

The few surviving Romans reached mainland Italy, and the Greeks were keen to turn back. However, they found Archimedes' mad-eyed stare too terrifying so they did what he said. They continued the march to Rome, killing everyone along the way with nunchucks that squirted acid, brass knuckles tipped with poisoned barbs, and huge chunks of concrete infected with syphilis.

Nuclear Weapons[edit]

As the increasingly terrified Greeks approached Rome, Archimedes made a fantastic discovery. By hurling a plutonium trident straight at a plutonium shield, he could induce an uncontrolled nuclear reaction.

“Eureka! (trans. I have found the only way to be sure)”

The Greeks finally cut and ran, as Archimedes made his suicide run into Rome.

“See you in Hades!”

~ Archimedes on the Romans

There were no survivors