Archimedes Plutonium

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Archimedes Plutonium is at the same time the most brilliant and tragic figure in the history of Usenet and the Internet. On November 7th 1990, he discovered the Plutonium Atom Totality Theory, which unified chemistry, physics, biology, and mathematics, paved the way for world peace, cured all diseases, and prevented cans of soda pop from exploding when opened. Having accomplished all this, there was nothing left for him to do with his time but correct the vicious lies being written about him by the so-called experts on Wikipedia.


I was born on July 5th 1950. But upon discovering that he was the reincarnation of the ancient Greco-Roman cartoon character Pluto, he changed his full legal name to The King of Science, Science Lord, Science ursa horriblis, and Poet Extraordinaire. He claims in Usenet posts that "Archimedes Plutonium" is his legal name, but"

Plutonium Atom Totality Theory[edit]

By far, Archimedes Plutonium's greatest accomplishment is his Plutonium Atom Totality Theory. According to Plutonium Atom Totality Theory, at the center of every Usenet poster's brain is a plutonium atom, each of which contains a complete universe in which all of his or her so-called "fantasies" and "delusions" are true and obvious facts. This discovery proved once and for all the futility of arguing on the Internet, but physicists chose to ignore it because they liked the feeling of smug superiority they got when correcting other people on matters such as centrifugal force, the uncertainty principle, and the precise definitions of "mass," "invariant," and "off-topic."

Other Accomplishments[edit]

Archimedes Plutonium has a long-standing arch-nemesis named Andrew Wiles. On 4Dec1993, Wiles attempted to post updates on his latest children's book to Usenet, but Plutonium used superdeterminism and p-adics to prove that in fact, Wiles's work had been plagiarized from Dr. Seuss. This embarrassed Wiles so much that he was never seen on Usenet again, but it did not prevent him from spreading his lies in "respectable" math journals.

On 8Oct1997, Archimedes was awarded the Nobel Prize in all categories. However, Archimedes refused the prize money, and announced the creation of his own prize, the Plutonium Atom Prize, awarded by the King of Science (Archimedes Plutonium) to whoever he pleases, whenever he feels like it. Upon his return to the United States, the IRS claimed that he had in fact accepted the prize money, and threw him in jail for tax evasion.

On 25 December 2004, Archimedes Plutonium corrected the poorly-written Wikipedia article on himself by removing all the paragraph breaks and rewriting the article in first person. Other Wikipedia editors were jealous of his superb writing style, his efficient use of precious lines and his mastery of NPOV, so they watched the article like hawks, reverting everything he wrote. As a result, the world has been denied important facts about Archimedes Plutonium, including his touching tributes to the Wikipedia editors.