Argentina

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The Federated Provinces of the South, or República Bipolar Argentina
Argentinean flag.JPG 140px
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto El que no salta es un inglés!!!
800px-LocationArgentina.png
Capital Republica de Palermo (Always second).
President Mauri Massacri <3
Vice President Loved Boudou "the money printer"
Official Language ¡Vasha! Dey a-speeka some Italian-a variation of Spanish, che! (Example: "¿Quién es esha y qué es lo que hecha en su sherba?" "¡Me shamo Monica Guardahado, y eshtoy fumando mi sherba con mi pipa. Eshta sherba esh la mejor sherba porque eshta esha de shielo de Alashka. La fumo con mi jamiga ToeNail Pajaro DeAdeveras!") 'sigh' Well, at least is not so horrible as the Iberic accent.
Official Religion Soccer
National Sport Fútbol güachínnnnn!
Independence Yes
Unofficial languages Cordooo-bés!, High Northern Porteño, cabeza(Shan-y-shi-drian), Rosarigasino (nopo sapabepes hapablapar roposaparipigapasipinopo?)
Currency Bribery
Population? 40 billion Un-American punks.
GDP Per Capita 200 Mangos ("dociento' mango'")
Ethnic Composition Soccer fans 100%
Literacy Rate 5 Nobel Prizes and 7 million high-school flunks, as said by the INDEC it's much more, idiots.
Special abilities political machine and Default IMF

“MESSI! GOOOOL!”

~ El Muy Good President Benito Mussolinni II

Argentina (Spanish:Wannabe Italian) is a federally representative anarchy, as mandated by its Constitution, written in 1853 and customarily amended every prime-numbered year since then. The capital is Buenos Aires, not Miami.

Driving is usually on the right side of the road, except during rush hours, Friday, Saturday and Sundays, when it is on the left. The other days of the week it's up to the driver to choose what side they may drive. Pedestrians are advised to keep off the sidewalk.

The highest mountain peaks in the Americas are located in Argentina, and it is well known for the Tango, which was actually stolen by Argentines from a Paraguayan girl, the Mambo-Tango (invented by Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna Lynch in a leprosy colony in the Peruvian Amazon), its fabulous wines, and high-quality giant condoms for use by city monuments.

The largest city in Argentina is Punta Tombo, where more than 15 million penguins live. The colony is the alleged birthplace of former presidentA's husband Néstor, Mad-Eye, Kirchner. The National Anthem of Argentina is "!Vamo' Vamo' Argentina", and the National slogan is "Salve Victoria!" indicates Argentinan pride.

Largest Village and Capital[edit]

Buenos Aires (translated to "Pure Airs") is a large collection of red, moist, bad tempered people known for their odd, seemingly disjointed characteristics, caused by mixed ethnicity and genetic mutations. They speak a form of Spanish that sounds like Italian, look like Europeans, think like Cubans and behave like Barbarians of the Jungle.

Maradona[edit]

Main article: Falklands War

The "Hand of God" goal remains legitimate according to God himself. Although Margaret Thatcher attempted to bomb Argentina for this action, the French president Francois Miterrand convinced her otherwise in exchange for 300 cases of Burgundy Wine for herself and her lover Augusto Pinochet. Penguins everywhere were outraged as they got nothing from the deal.

Some people say that many of Argentina's inhabitants killed themselves when someone produced proof that Pele was better than Maradona. They saw no more meaning in life and decided to commit mass suicide. Marradona is of course, but the Argentine government has succeeded in covering up this fact as it believes civil war might ensue. The nation also has a dark secret some say that Hitler lived secretly here until his death in 2000, but its just a story...

Military[edit]

The Argentinian Military Forces are known to be amongst the worst in the entire world. Made up of roughly 57,00 Severely Retarded, 380,938 bisexual men, and almost 120,882 "Nug-nugs" (Person without Arms or Legs). The current issue weapon is the Primitive, yet highly inaccurate rock. Accurate up to a range of 10 metres. The entire Navy and Air Force is made up completely of people with Down-syndrome. Argentina, along with France (Lé Republic á Fúckíng Shíté) has the highest number of military losses, and is matched with China and North Korea in the greatest number of retarded decisions. These retarded decisions were caused by a rare form of Cancer known as Peronism, a primitive Ideology based on populism and the love of a bald man, who was neither a leftist, nor a rightist. This lead to notable drunkard Rafael Videla taking office, by killing every single person on congress with a FAL-2912 while he screamed VIVA LA PATRIA! VIVA EL WHISKEY!. After his death in """""prision""""", the rumors of him shoving a bottle of Jack Daniels on his ass were dismissed. They were later undismissed after the forensic scientist proceeded to taste the General's anus

Geography[edit]

Argentina's easternmost and most representative province is Uruguay, which has the best beaches in the region, along with bitter creatures known as "yoruguas" who inhabit most of the region. "Yoruguas" drink large amounts of "mate", a hallucinogenic infusion related to LSD. The country is divided into 23 provinces, each with its own currency and form of government ranging from Vandal Feudalism to Peronism (which, by the way, are synonyms). (Obs: There's a permanent Brazilian pirate invasion & merge threat. Brazilians want to dominate all Latin America, Africa, Portugal, Spain, Italy, , Florida & Miami. Not France because "Brazucas" hate France, like Jim Carey.) Note that unlike all other nations on Latin America, Argentina is located in the middle of Europe, after they successfully moved the country to get away from Brazilian negros and reunite with their white brothers.

Argenmundo.JPG

Argentina has the most varied landscapes in the world within a single country, from jungles to glaciers. It hosts magnificent features like: The Northern Chernobylian Wasteland (aka Chaco), the Huge Human-eating Ozone Hole in the south, and the Flattest, most mindnumbing Grassland on Earth, the deathtrap of many a highway driver who snooze off while crossing it (about 60% of the country's total surface).

Language[edit]

For everyone who invested two, or five years learning Spanish, or for those who took the time on a crash course or just spent hard earned income buying phrasebooks, congratulations.

All your efforts and money will be completely useless in Argentina. But there is hope for you. It's not hard at all to learn the Argentine Language, in fact it only takes a few minutes as the following short read will demonstrate. Take the following Spanish language sentence:

Oye, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas. (This translates to: "Hey, who are you? You come here to pick up women on the streets and to dance tango with them.")

But saying it like this will render you an ignorant tourist at best, or an inferior sub-human from a neighboring country next to best. With these simple ten, 12 steps below you will be able to make yourself understood in the Argie tongue:

What Argentina really means. Secretly, also means "Taringuero", which are the inhabitants of Taringa
  1. Replace "oye" with a 1000% Argentine word, che. No one knows where this word came from, but many say it is derived from brazilian homosexuals, ironic since today virtually none of them are around. Wonder what happened to them?
    Oye Che, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  2. "Che", following Argentine etiquette, is ALWAYS followed by the word "boludo", s term to express respect and friendship. Its closest translation in English language is believed to be "asshole".
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  3. Quien is spelled the correct educated computer age way in Argentina, "kien"
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  4. Replace "eres tu" with sos vos. Unfortunately, all those verbs in Spanish which had you eating the corners of your textbook are officially worthless. Argentines use an entirely different 2nd person singular pronoun (vos instead of tu), and that means all verb endings change too, so the conjugation of the verb 'to be' is not eres, but sos. Enjoy learning all 25,000 verb endings all over again!
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  5. "Vienes" must be replaced with venís. Again poor you, using the subject pronoun vos, has the effect of completely changing the spelling of verbs.
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  6. Take out "aquí" and use acá. Aquí is absolutely forbidden from use, as in Argentina this word sounds too much like Spanish, a language spoken in Bolivia, Mexico, Colombia.
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
  7. Here your options are a bit more open for you. You could replace "coger mujeres" ("to pick up women" in Spain and Latin America), with recoger mujeres, which is the correct way of saying "to pick up women" in Argentina. Another choice should be "buscar" mujeres (to look for women), which would fully disclose the appreciation of the chances a stranger has on getting chicks unless he handles the local language. On the other hand, you could leave "coger mujeres" alone, if your intention is to F-CK the chicks right there on the spot, which was probably what you were thinking anyways. But if you want a bit more privacy, we do advice to replace "coger" with "buscar".
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
    (ps ALWAYS replace "coger" with "tomar" or "agarrar" when saying you want to "take" a bus. In Spanish-speaking nations coger el bus is the correct form of saying "taking the bus". In Argentina saying this will probably lead to a response like "sure, go ahead, I guess you can do so through the muffler".)
  8. "Mujeres" is a far too formal expression not a single Argentine would deign to pronounce. A more appropriate word would be "minas" (chicks), a slang which has also the benefit of expressing properly the high consideration Argentines have towards the feminine gender.
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
The Argentine version of Britney Spears: Gladys la bomba tucumana.
  1. In Argentino, all nouns have their syllables switched so that "tango" became "gotan". So always reverse the syllables of all nouns, it's simple and you won't go wrong in your quest to fit in!!(But it isn't REALLY necessary, unless you want to be a real moron. If you do you are almost Argentinian!!!! KANGRETULAYSHUNS!!)
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle y bailar tango gotán con ellas.
  2. If you are in Buenos Aires, Uruguay and some other areas, further rules have to be applied. To be precise, within the borders of the described regions one should consider all territories below the Tropic of Capricorn, when Saturn fulfill its duty in the fifth house of Uranus, and Mars is conjunction with Titanus. And, of course, during full moon. In Main Argentino you have to pronounce the "ll"s correctly, so switch out "calle" with "ca-sshe", and "ellas" for e-sshas.
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle ca-sshe y bailar tango gotán con ellas con e-sshas.
  3. You can leave "en la calle" ("on the street") alone, as this is how every local and tourist ends up when their girlfriend or wife finds out they were carrying out the commands of this sentence. And presto! You are speaking Argentino.

Spanish: Oye, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
Argentino: Che boludo, ¿kien sos vos? Venís acá a buscar minas en la ca-sshe y bailar gotán con e-sshas.

See, no difference at all!

Foreign Policy[edit]

Mattel took steps to satisfy the argentine market, introducing Argentine Barbie in 1990
The Pink House, some kind of clone of the White House, but gay.

Politicians include the motherf-cker Carlos Menem, best remembered for his love of cosmetic surgery and embezzlement, the Chupacabra, Kirchner's sister, Kirchner's husband, Eduardo "Narco" Duhalde, and former president (for one week), the professional clown Adolfo Rodríguez Saá.

The Argentines want a wall on the northern border, as half of the populations of Bolivia and Paraguay have jumped the fence southbound. But recent engineering studies showed such a project would attract the other half of the populations of both countries, due to the well-known lack of construction workers, so the plan has been scrapped. Besides, if the "genie in the bottle" granted the wish for a 10 foot wall around Argentina, the genie would have to grant the Brazilians their wish too... and fill it up with water.

Around half of the flags in Latin America are obvious cloned copies of the Argentine emblem, probably just for sheer admiration of the place. Argentina is implementing a new covert operation to conquer it's neighbors: marry their plastic and prideless women away to foreigners (can be found on Chilean TV), genetically brainwashing the natives of the following generations, and finally rolling in the 3 Argentine tanks into their capital city.

Unfortunately, the Argentine government authorities are not very patient people, so this plan was dropped three days after implementation. The average Argentine policy measure usually lasts half that, however, and in fact just under 103% of Argentines confirmed not knowing there were other countries in South, Central or North America, because they don't have penguins.

The Argentine government asks all visitors to not cry for Argentina, and to prevent a further drop in population, the government has declared that the International Monetary Fund is killing purebreed blue-eyed kittens and didn't help prevent "Glitter" from being distributed in Argentina. As of 2006, Argentina was in negotiations with North Korea, Iran and Iraq (separate tabs), and Swaziland to fully repay 1,3 billion googooplex 1986 australes in unpaid loans to these economic powerhouses.

Sports[edit]

In Argentine football, different outcomes demand different frames of mind

Argentines are mad about sports. The "A.O.V.B.C." (Argentine Ode to Violence Behavioral Code), states that:

  • Code 1. If your team is winning the match, you should begin to physically assault your opponent's fans (or tear down their stadium if you are the visiting crowd, whichever you prefer).
  • Code 2. If the game is tied you should try and knock the referee's head off either with glass beer bottles, or any nearby available plumbing pipe.
  • Code 3. If you are losing, at that point start fighting the "Barra Bravas" (hooligans) of your own team, rape your best friend's girlfriend, and then torch your own home.
  • Code 4. If any person from a first world country insults argentine people and call them poor , Argentines will inmediatly say "gana un mundial.." ("go and win a world cup) it does not matter to argentines that first world countries are rich and are not full of undernourished kidss like Argentina, to argentines having won 2 world cups is enough.

Currently the most popular sport in the country is Highway Blocking by piqueteros and other poor undernourished pedestrians. The "make the rainbow of gypsies driving a car so miserable and mad that he will run you over if you don't get off the street" World Cup is to be played in Argentina's city of Gualeguaychu sometime next summer. Blocking people from entering airports, ports, downtown areas, shopping malls, and other countries are gaining in popularity also.

Lesser in importance but popular nonetheless is 'Mufa', a sport in which participants find ways to complain about the most amount of things in the least amount of time, auto-racing in school zones at dismissal time, and soccer a.k.a 'la pelota'. Argentina wins the World Championship of an international sport about once a year, and does so legitimately and fairly every other decade or so:

Carlos Tevez: the Argentine version of David Beckham
Argentine tennis beauty: Paola Suarez
  • Twice World Cup champions in football, thanks to a bribe of Peru the first time (that country was starving because of a lack of anchovies, according to Paul Theroux), and because of Divine Intervention on the other (according to Maradona who said the force unwillingly raised his fist to strike the ball against poor ol' England) (argentines think that this makes their country better and more prosperous...damn Argies).
  • The national sport of Argentina is ¡¡Fútbooool!!. The ¡¡Gooooal!! of ¡¡Fútbooool!! is to pass the ball through the other team's ¡¡Gooooal!!, or to ¡¡Riiiiot!!, whichever comes first.
  • Twice World Champions in men's basketball
  • Argentina is the country with the most amount of "highly ranked tennis players that won a Davis Cup and Olympic Metal. In true Argentinian fashion, the Davis Cup was made out of silver, to represent the Argentum (Silver in latin you illiterate fuck) after which the country was named after, and the long tradition of getting to second place in every concievable sport
  • Los Pumas are the national rugby team. That is their sole achievement
  • And now for a true man's sport: polo. this sport is restricted to the minority of rich and really white skinned Argentine people. Most of them are white and poor.

Economy[edit]

Foreign artists often perform concerts in Buenos Aires, defender of Portsmouth

The Argentine economy currently is:

  • Highly Unstable - Many Argentinians choose to spend their hard earned Mangoes on pointless, yet Homosexual objects of no use whatsoever. Most Notably in the year 2009, a record of 273,084 Pots containing concentrated Vaginal Discharge were purchased and consumed for "Scientific Purposes".
  • Or an American (not allowed to live here).
  • Partly Cloudy.
  • 36C (and overheating fast).
  • Gusts from the southwest at 76km/ph in accordance to Decree 1 by President Kirchner himself, who was fed up that only Patagonians had to endure bad hair days.
  • The forecast for the next two yeas is bleak

Argentina has a insignificant GNP, but the inhabitants are rich because they are specialized on borrowing money and than defaulting IMF. Check back tomorrow as a new economic model is put in place to completely replace this one.

See also[edit]

Soccer.jpg Central America and South America
Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Humidor | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Nicaragua (en español) | Panama | Panama Canal Zone
South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Vergüenzuela (en español)
Countries and territories of The World
Afghanistan | Albania | Algeria | Andorra | Angola | Argentina | Armenia | Australia | Austria | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Bangladesh | Barbados | Belarus | Belgium | Belize | Bhutan | Bolivia | Bosnia | Botswana | Brazil | British Virgin Islands | Bulgaria | Burkina Faso | Burma | Burundi | Cambodia | Cameroon | Canada | Cayman Islands | Central African Republic | Chad | Chile | China | Christmas Island | Colombia | Costa Rica | Côte d'Ivoire | Croatia | Cuba | Cyprus | Czech Republic | Denmark | Djibouti | Dominican Republic | Ecuador | Egypt | El Salvador | Equatorial Guinea | Denmark | Disneyland | Estonia | Ethiopia | Falkland Islands | Faroe Islands | Finland | Flanders | France | French Guiana | Gabon | Germany | Ghana | Gibraltar | Greece | Greenland | Guam | Guatemala | Guernsey | Guinea | Guyana | Haiti | Hong Kong | Hungary | Iceland | India | Indonesia | Iran | Iraq | Ireland | Israel | Italy | Jamaica | Japan | Jordan | Kansai | Kazakhstan | Kenya | Kiribati | Kuwait | Kyrgyzstan | Laos | Latvia | Lebanon | Lesotho | Liberia | Libya | Liechtenstein | Lithuania | Luxembourg | Macau | Macedonia | Malawi | Maldives | Malaysia | Malta | Martinique | Mauritania | Mauritius | Mexico | Micronesia | Moldova | Monaco | Mongolia | Montenegro | Morocco | Mozambique | Nauru | Nepal | Netherlands | New Caledonia | New Zealand | Nicaragua | Niger | Nigeria | North Korea | Norway | Oman | Pakistan | Papua-New Guinea | Palau | Peru | Philippines | Phoenix Islands | Poland | Portugal | Puerto Rico | Qatar | Romania | Russia | Rwanda | Samoa | San Marino | Saudi Arabia | Serbia | Singapore | Slovenia | South Africa | South Korea | South Sudan | Spain | Sri Lanka | Sudan | Suriname | Svalbard | Swaziland | Sweden | Switzerland | Syria | Taiwan | Tajikistan | Tanzania | Thailand | Tonga | Trinidad and Tobago | Togo | Tunisia | Turkey | Turkmenistan | Ubeki Beki Beki Beki Stan Stan | Uganda | Ukraine | United Arab Emirates | United Kingdom | United States | Uruguay | Uzbekistan | Venezuela | Vietnam | Western Sahara | Yemen | Zambia | Zimbabwe