Argentina

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

	UNAMERICAN
	This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has added to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle.

The Federated Provinces of the South, or República Bipolar Argentina

Flag Coat of Arms
Motto El que no salta es un inglés!!!
Capital	Good Airs (search underway for the 'Good' part).
PresidentA	Whatever body happens to be hosting the reincarnated soul of Eva Perón at that time.
Vicepresident	Julio Cleto
Official Language	some bizarre variation of Spanish
Official Religions	worshiping Evita; going to shrines on the side of the road
National Sport	WATCHING TACKY TV PROGRAMS
Independence	no data
Unofficial languages	Cordooo-bés!, Paraguayan Creole, any language from Bolivia (Southern boludian), High Northern Porteño, cabeza(Shan-y-shi-drian), Rosarigasino (nopo sapabepes hapablapar roposaparipigapasipinopo?)
Currency	Shit
Population?	50 people, 6 horses, 2 cats, and 1000 penguins
GDP Per Capita	200 Mangos ("dociento' mango'")
Sex	Yes please.
Internet TLD	.kkk.
Ethnic Composition	Fake blondes 95.1% Dog shit 76% Villeros 87% Robots 1.2% Floggers 74% Quaint Natives 2.5% 0.5% Faggots 10^64%
Literacy Rate	5 Nobel Prizes and 7 million high-school flunks
Special abilities	Prostitution and default IMF

Argentina, is a federally representative anarchy, as mandated by its Constitution, written in 1853 by El chavo del 8 and customarily amended every prime-numbered year since then. The capital is Buenos Aires(AKA Rio de Janeiro for some northern civilizations).

The highest mountain peaks in the Americas are located in Argentina, at Mount Luciana Salazar. Driving is usually on the right side of the road, except during rush hours, Friday, Saturday and Sundays, when it is on the left. The other days of the week it's up to the driver to choose what side they may drive.

Argentina is well known around the planet for the Tango, which was actually stolen by Argentines from some african guy, the Mambo-Tango (invented by Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna Lynch in a leprosy colony in the Peruvian Amazon), it's fabulous wines, and high-quality giant condoms for use by city monuments.

The largest city in Argentina is Punta Tombo, where more than 15 million penguins live. This penguin colony is the alleged birthplace of current presidentA's husband Néstor Kirchner.

The National Anthem of Argentina is "Vamo' Vamo' Argentina"

Contents 1 Main features 2 Largest Village and Capital 3 Geography 4 Demographics 5 Language 6 Politics 7 Foreign Policy 8 Music 9 Argentine People 9.1 Argentines' idols 9.2 Somewhat famous Argentines (or not) 9.3 Way of Life: Diet, Customs, and Culture 10 Sports 11 Economy 12 Society and Customs 12.1 Food and Drink 12.2 Did you know that?? 13 See also

[edit] Main features

Argentina is mostly purple and large areas of it are injection-moulded from polypropylene. Argentines are very proud of their national sport of selling their daughter´s asses, which contrary to popular belief, is more popular than football (or soccer as those no good, un-civilized, ignorant, down-syndromed americans would call it).

It is not advised for small children (under 3 years) as small parts of Argentina may easily be swallowed. Do not immerse Argentina in water and do not feed it after midnight. It is strongly requested that you do not cry for it.

Argentina is equipped with three USB ports, a full-colour monitor, and a small shovel. Aforementioned shovel is usually employed by Argentines to bury themselves in cow excretement for ritualistic purposes. Argentina also has periodic cameo appearances on the critically acclaimed soap opera, Boat de Love, where she plays the deadly foreign half-robot sex slave of the aristocrat, Dobby the house elf of Harry Potter II: Return to the Thunderdome. Only £39.99 from all good pet shops*.

[edit] Largest Village and Capital

Buenos Aires (translated to "Good Airs" or "Pleasant Farts") is a large collection of red, moisty, bad tempered people who spend their entire life trying to gather the purple liquid that comes out of their backyard, to annually present as a sacrifice token to The Big Mean Worm that inhabits Buenos Aires' main attraction, the Obelisco. Argentines are also known for their odd, seemingly disjointed characteristics, caused by mixed ethnicity and genetic mutations. They speak a form of Spanish that sounds like Italian,look like mexicans, think like the brazilians and behave like Barbarians.

Some people say that Argentina's inhabitants, killed themselves when someone showed them a proof about Maradona being much worse than Pele. They saw no more meaning in life and decided to commit a mass suicide (all but "universidad de filosofia y Letras", the Argenitnian philosophy university students, who actually hate license Maradona and football, and are reciprocally hated by the rest of the society). Maradona is of course Mexican, but the Argentine government has succeeded in covering up this fact as it believes civil war might ensue.

The "Hand of God" goal is still legitimate however, according to God himself. Margaret Thatcher attempted to bomb Argentina for this action, but unfortunatly the French president Francois Miterrand convinced her otherwise in exchange for 300 cases of Burgundy wine for herself and lover Augusto Pinochet.

[edit] Geography

Argentina's easternmost and most representative province is Uruguay, which has the best beaches in the region, along with bitter creatures called "yoruguas" who inhabit most of the region. "Yoruguas" drink large amounts of "mate" an alucinogen infusion related with LSD. Toilets flush clockwise in Argentina, except at the South Pole (Argentina, claimed by the UK), where toilets become bidets. Tom Cruise has donated all the toilet water as an energy source for the church of Scientology. The government has overlooked the fact to help improve the Argentina-Tom Cruise relationship. The country is divided into 23 provinces, each with its own currency and form of government ranging from Vandal Feudalism to Peronism. (Obs: There's a permanent brazilian pirate invasion & merge threat. Brazilians want to dominate all Latin America, Africa, Portugal, Spain, Italy, , Florida & Miami. Not France because "brasucas" hate France, like Jim Carey.)

Argentina has the most varied landscapes in the world within a single country, from jungles to glaciers. It hosts magnificent features like: The Northern Chernobylian Wasteland (aka Chaco), the Huge Human-eating Ozone Hole in the south, and the Flattest-most mindnumbing Grassland on Earth, killer of highway drivers who snooze off driving across it (about 60% of the country's total area).

[edit] Demographics

Argentina's population is mostly brown though they think they are white, argentine women dream of being blonde and fair skinned. they compulsively dye their hair blond hoping to look like nordic/germanic ladies,they have a strong belief that this also change their skin color and facial features into those of a nordic/germanic woman. The scientists have hopes that Argentine DNA could be getting whiter whithin the following 3000 years due to overexposure to H2O2; However Argentines can be summarised as mexicans with italian names who think they are germans who speak Spanish with an italian accent who are really Argentine. Indeed, Argentina is one rare case of nazi/white suprematist country whose population is mainly brown skinned.

[edit] Language

For everyone who invested two, or five years learning Spanish, or for those who took the time on a crash course or just spent hard earned income buying phrasebooks, congratulations.

All your efforts and money will be completely useless in Argentina. But there is hope for you. It's not hard at all to learn the Argentine Language, in fact it only takes a few minutes as the following short read will demonstrate. Take the following Spanish language sentence:

Oye, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas. (This translates to: "Hey, who are you? You come here to pick up women on the streets and to dance tango with them.")

But saying it like this will render you an ignorant tourist at best, or an inferior sub-human from a neighboring country next to best. With these simple ten, 12 steps below you will be able to make yourself understood in the Argie tongue:

1. Replace "oye" with a 1000% Argentine word, che. No one knows where this word came from, but many say it is derived from brazilian homosexuals, ironic since today virtually none of them are around. Wonder what happened to them?
   Oye Che, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
2. "Che", following Argentine etiquette, is ALWAYS followed by the word "boludo", s term to express respect and friendship. Its closest translation in English language is believed to be "asshole".
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
3. Quien is spelled the correct educated computer age way in Argentina, "kien"
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
4. Replace "eres tu" with sos vos. Unfortunately, all those verbs in Spanish which had you eating the corners of your textbook are officially worthless. Argentines use an entirely different 2nd person singular pronoun (vos instead of tu), and that means all verb endings change too, so the conjugation of the verb 'to be' is not eres, but sos. Enjoy learning all 25,000 verb endings all over again!
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
5. "Vienes" must be replaced with venís. Again poor you, using the subject pronoun vos, has the effect of completely changing the spelling of verbs.
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
6. Take out "aquí" and use acá. Aquí is absolutely forbidden from use, as in Argentina this word sounds too much like Spanish, a language spoken in Bolivia, Mexico, Colombia.
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
7. Here your options are a bit more open for you. You could replace "coger mujeres" ("to pick up women" in Spain and Latin America), with recoger mujeres, which is the correct way of saying "to pick up women" in Argentina. Another choice should be "buscar" mujeres (to look for women), which would fully disclose the appreciation of the chances a stranger has on getting chicks unless he handles the local language. On the other hand, you could leave "coger mujeres" alone, if your intention is to F-CK the chicks right there on the spot, which was probably what you were thinking anyways. But if you want a bit more privacy, we do advice to replace "coger" with "buscar".
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
   (ps ALWAYS replace "coger" with "tomar" or "agarrar" when saying you want to "take" a bus. In Spanish-speaking nations coger el bus is the correct form of saying "taking the bus". In Argentina saying this will probably lead to a response like "sure, go ahead, I guess you can do so through the muffler".)
8. "Mujeres" is a far too formal expression not a single Argentine would deign to pronounce. A more appropriate word would be "minas" (chicks), a slang which has also the benefit of expressing properly the high consideration Argentines have towards the feminine gender.
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
9. In Argentino, all nouns have their syllables switched so that "tango" became "gotan". So always reverse the syllables of all nouns, it's simple and you won't go wrong in your quest to fit in!!(But it isn't REALLY necessary, unless you want to be a real moron. If you do you are almost Argentinian!!!! KANGRETULAYSHUNS!!)
   Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle y bailar tango gotán con ellas.
10. If you are in Buenos Aires, Uruguay and some other areas, further rules have to be applied. To be precise, within the borders of the described regions one should consider all territories below the Tropic of Capricorn, when Saturn fulfill its duty in the fifth house of Uranus, and Mars is conjunction with Titanus. And, of course, during full moon. In Main Argentino you have to pronounce the "ll"s correctly, so switch out "calle" with "ca-sshe", and "ellas" for e-sshas.
    Oye Che boludo, ¿quien kien eres tú sos vos? Vienes Venís aquí acá a coger buscar mujeres minas en la calle ca-sshe y bailar tango gotán con ellas con e-sshas.
11. You can leave "en la calle" ("on the street") alone, as this is how every local and tourist ends up when their girlfriend or wife finds out they were carrying out the commands of this sentence. And presto! You are speaking Argentino.

Spanish: Oye, ¿quien eres tú? Vienes aquí a coger mujeres en la calle y bailar tango con ellas.
Argentino: Che boludo, ¿kien sos vos? Venís acá a buscar minas en la ca-sshe y bailar gotán con e-sshas.

See, no difference at all!

[edit] Politics

The current president of Argentina is Cristina Kirchner, a woman who is obssesed with botox, surgeries and looking like a menopausic barbie. This mental issue causes her to insult First World politicians, wear ugly short skirts, throw the occasional tantrum when inflation rises, and lash out at random in fits of paranoia. Kirchner's veterinarian has suggested putting her to sleep, but his husband, hasn't had the heart to.

Cristina Kirchner travels every month abroad to play with her f*ck buddies, the presidents of Venezuela (Hugo Chávez) and Bolivia (Evo Morales).

President Cristina Kirchner also is proudly in the Guinness Book of World Records for ressembling a whore more than any other female president in history.

Her enemies list includes:

• Chilean President Bachelet (for turning off the gas pipes in the middle of winter)
• Brazilian president Lula Da Silva (because of MERCASUR, and because Lula is of course, Brazilian)
• Young women who make her look like an old hag (precisely what she really is)
• Transexuals who dare to wear more make up than her
• British prime minister Blair (just because really, it's good campaigning after all in Argentina to call for the destruction of England)
• United Statesian former president Bush (well, in this case it was probably the other way around)

But the saddest part of all, is that all of the above are ACTUALLY true.

Other politicians include the motherf-cker Carlos Menem, best remembered for his love of cosmetic surgery and embezzlement, the Chupacabra, Kirchner's sister, Kirchner's husband, Eduardo "Narco" Duhalde, and former president (for one week), the professional clown Adolfo Rodríguez Saá.

[edit] Foreign Policy

The Argentines want a wall on the northern border, as half of the populations of Bolivia and Paraguay have jumped the fence southbound. But recent engineering studies showed such a project would attract the other half of the populations of both countries, due to the well-known lack of construction workers, so the plan has been scrapped. Besides, if the "genie in the bottle" granted the wish for a 10 foot wall around Argentina, the genie would have to grant the Brazilians their wish too... and fill it up with water.

Around half of the flags in Latin America are obvious cloned copies of the Argentine emblem, probably just for sheer admiration of the place. Argentina is implementing a new covert operation to conquer it's neighbors: marry their plastic and prideless women away to foreigners (50% currently at the Viña del Mar festival south pole dancing; the others can be found on Chilean TV "discussing politics" and how dulce de leche tastes on various female body parts), genetically brainwashing the natives of the following generations, and finally rolling in the 3 Argentine tanks into their capital city.

Unfortunately, the Argentine government authorities are not very patient people, so this plan was dropped three days after implementation. The average Argentine policy measure usually lasts half that, however, and in fact just under 103% of Argentines confirmed not knowing there were other countries in South, Central or North America.

To prevent a further drop in popularity, the government has declared that the International Monetary Fund is killing kittens and didn't help prevent "Glitter" from being distributed in Argentina. As of 2006, Argentina was in negotiations with North Korea, Iran and Iraq (separate tabs), and Swaziland to fully repay 1,3 billion googooplex 1986 australes in unpaid loans to these economic powerhouses.

[edit] Music

The Argentinians are used to listen rare noises called Cumbia(not confuse with Kumbia. These "sort-of-melody" is split in two categories

• Cumbia Vishera(Villager's Cumbia: Is simply weird noises created with synths and kitchen utensils. The cumbia's songs' lyrics talk about drugs, lies, drugs, sex, drugs, marijuana, cervesa(beer), sex... Right! And Drugs!

That's true culture, right?

• Cumbia Romántica: That is sex and drugs, but without synths. That style's artists are used to borrow another's songs, and try to improve it. The most famous are...

What, did you expect someone?

Well, Gladys la bomba tucumana (picture below), and two or three more ons.

[edit] Argentine People

[edit] Argentines' idols

• Eva Duarte de Perón (AKA Evita, The Divine Empress/Goddess of the Universe)
• Maradona (AKA God, D10s, etc)
• Charly Garcia (A.K.A. God, Say no more) A mindfreak, drug-addict and alcoholic musician and it is considered by argentinians as a musical genius.
• Juan Domingo Perón (some guy who always keeped his hands up and died over 50 years ago but who is still alive in every politian who wants to steal from the poor)
• El gokú, loco!
• Gardel (who is French, but just because he played Tango here is considered to be Argentine)
• Lionel Messi (AKA Maradona 2, RAT FACE, Messias, often shortened to "Lio" by people who don't know him at all but feel close to him because he is a good soccer player and because he is Argentine, of course)
• Las Rikitas
• Big Brother (Gran Hermano) "celebrities" (people with no social life who don't work, being this the reason why most Argentines love them) (exception: Celebrity Big Brother)
• Marcelo Tinelli(and his brothel)
• Pampita Ardohain
• Dave Mustaine (Although he's American, the frontman of Megadeth has fooled the people of Argentina into believing that he has Argentinean herritage by singing some Spanish lyrics. He's now considered 'Maradona of Metal')

[edit] Somewhat famous Argentines (or not)

• Carolina "Pampita" Ardohain (aka la mucamita)
• Sho.
• Vos.
• Lord Chimbo of Saavedra
• Ricky Maravilla
• Maradona.
• God, and Argentina, poke fun at the rest of the world with this saying: "El Papa es Alemán, pero Dios es argentino" (The Pope is German, but God is Argentine).This would explain why the world is so fucked up, but not.
• Paris Hilton (at least she deserved to be).
• Marcela Kloosterboer (aka Iron vagina).
• Zuperman.
• Greed Itself: they are proud to be "the western Jews"; e.g.: "¡so' re judío guachín!(You are really jew, dork dude!", but unlike real jews, argentines are poor.
• Maradona.
• Madonna, and the guy that composed the Mission Impossible theme (seriously)
• Princess Nissan Máxima of the Neither-Lands
• Gus' Mum
• Apparently Robert Duvall (honorary) and his ugly girlfriend
• Viggo Mortensen (Viggo is actually American, but argentines love to fantasise about the existence of a white blond handsome argentine creature)
• Luciana Aymar
• Guido Suller
• Luciana Salazar (Aka plastic whore)
• Fake blondes
• Carlos Saul Menem I (The Lord of the Anillacos)
• Victor Sueiro (the man who saw the light and returned to tell, but he finally had to turn off the light, but now he really saw the light)
• Corrupted politicians
• Moria Casan
• Earthworms and abducted cows

[edit] Way of Life: Diet, Customs, and Culture

How does an Argentine commit suicide? Jumping off their ego.

Why are there no African people in Argentina? Because they all went to the USA in th 1840´s to escape racism(but failed).

Why do Argentine go outdoors during lightning storms? They think God is taking pictures of them.

Which is the best business to do? Buy an argentine for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.

Do not say 'Oh my God!' when in a crowd of argentines, as they will all reply at the same time.

Argentines speak slowly with lots of "erms" as illustrated by the following Spanish joke: ¿Cómo ladra un perro Argentino? "Este... Ehm... guau." (How does an Argentine dog bark? "Erm... erm... woof.")

Argentina is a country full of meat loving people. They eat meat everyday, all day. They enjoy chewing meat in their mouths. This is one of the main reasons that the people of Argentina have such strong mouths. In fact, the people of Argentina are affectionately known as , “The Meat Chewers”. Their favorite meat is the sausage. They tend to call it snausage. It is a long, thick, and round piece of meat. Sometime, the people of Argentina do not cut the meat before they eat it. They just stick the whole thing in their mouths. It does not matter the size. To them the larger and rarer the better. The also enjoy it when it is black or well done. It has a better flavor say. Another favorite meat of the country of Argentina is cow testicles AKA the balls of the bull. They put it in a soup with the blood from the sac. They enjoy slurping on the broth of blood, while cutting the balls up before swallowing them whole. They slide better through the intestinal tract that way. In Argentina, no part of the cow is wasted. The young kids of Argentina enjoy sucking on the cow’s nipples. The milk straight from the cow is warm and juicy. It helps them grow up to be great soccer players. Many of the meals in Argentina are fully meat. They have a small variety in their diets. The only thing other than beef they eat, is pork. They enjoy eating the fat of the pig raw. They simply skin the pig, let it run around without it epidermal layer, and sit down with a beer and chew on the fat of the pig. It is really a sight to see. In fact, there may be youtube videos of it.

The children of Argentina also eat a lot of meat from a young age. It is custom in Argentina to not allow children to eat the first cuts of the cow. They have to crawl on the floor like dogs and wait for food to fall from the table. They must learn simple tricks like sit and stay in order to eat dinner. Failure to do so results in a growling tummy that night. It is at this young age that the population of Argentina is kept in check. Since there are no contraceptives in this rural country, most families have 20 children.

As young children fighting for food, it is not a rarity that one hungry kiddy will eat another weaker kiddy. It turns into a feast for all the children on the block. It is like kids in America playing baseball. Just with more blood. And guts. And savage growling. Eventually these children evolve from their primitive stage and enter the next stage of their lives. In this adolescent stage, the children looks somewhat like an albino monkey. (Picture a retarded hunch back looking creature.) It is at this age that they learn to use their hands. They begin to beat their chests and swing from trees. They pick up items like bats, guns, and swords. They have holidays where all the teenagers on the blocks get together and dance to tango while cutting each others heads off. The last one standing gets to enjoy the bodies of the others in a great feast.

[edit] Sports

Argentines are mad about sports. The "A.O.V.B.C." (Argentine Ode to Violence Behavioral Code), states that:

• Code 1. If your team is winning the match, you should begin to physically assault your opponent's fans (or tear down their stadium if you are the visiting crowd, whichever you prefer).
• Code 2. If the game is tied you should try and knock the referee's head off either with glass beer bottles, or any nearby available plumbing pipe.
• Code 3. If you are losing, at that point start fighting the "Barra Bravas" (hooligans) of your own team, rape your best friend's girlfriend, and then torch your own home.
• Code 4. If any person from a first world country insults argentine people and call them poor , Argentines will inmediatly say "gana un mundial.." ("go and win a world cup) it does not matter to argentines that first world countries are rich and are not full of undernourished kids and cheap whores like Argentina, to argentines having won 2 world cups makes argentina superior to any other country.

Currently the most popular sport in the country is Highway Blocking by piqueteros and other poor undernourished people. The "make your fellow citizen driving a car so miserable and mad that he will run you over if you don't get off the street" World Cup is to be played in Argentina's city of Gualeguaychu sometime next summer. Blocking people from entering airports, ports, downtown areas, shopping malls, and other countries are gaining in popularity also.

Lesser in importance but popular nonetheless is 'Mufa', a sport in which participants find ways to complain about the most amount of things in the least amount of time, basketball (the country is host to the 'White men CAN jump' league, and the "Fuerte Apache" Globetrotters), auto-racing in school zones at dismissal time, and soccer a.k.a 'la pelota'. Argentina wins the World Championship of an international sport about once a year, and does so legitimately and fairly every other decade or so:

• Twice World Cup champions in football, thanks to a bribe of Peru the first time (that country was starving because of a lack of anchovies, according to Paul Theroux), and because of Divine Intervention on the other (according to Maradona who said the force unwillingly raised his fist to strike the ball against poor ol'England) (argentines think that this makes their country better and more prosperous)

• Twice World Champions in men's basketball (argentines think this makes their country better and more prosperous)
• Argentina is the country with the most amount of "highly ranked tennis players that have yet to win anything at all, though argentines ignore Paola Suarez great achivements simply because she refuses to dye her hair blond.

• Los Pumas are the national rugby team, they are at good at rugby as at dealing with tv whores after a match.
• And now for a true man's sport: polo. this sport is restricted to the minority of rich and really white skinned argentine people.
• The most popular sport in Argentina for girls,after prostitution, is field hockey. In this sport besides Argentina, only Holland and Australia mattter, though their girls are hotter than argentines since they do not look like female versions of Maradona.

• Auto racing: Formula One used to be popular in the country, and as such Juan Manuel Fangio won the championship 5 times. Only recently did a Nazi collaborator surpass that feat.

[edit] Economy

The Argentine economy currently is:

• Is doing well if you are a Jew
• Partly Cloudy
• 36C (and overheating fast)
• Gusts from the southwest at 76km/ph in accordance to Decree 1 by President Kirchner himself, who was fed up that only Patagonians had to endure bad hair days
• The forecast for the next two hours (anything beyond that and the predictions become absolutely useless), is calling for generally low-paying conditions, with a chance of a few jobs here and there
• Highs inflating to the lower 40s celcius

Argentina has a insignificant GNP, but the inhabitants are rich because they are specialized on borrowing money and than defaulting IMF.

Check back tomorrow as a new economic model is put in place to completely replace the one from today.

[edit] Society and Customs

Federal environmental act 0-00000NOEXIST00 affords Argentine cows the protected status of "doomsday pestilence"]]

[edit] Food and Drink

Argentines love cows, as long as they allow themselves to be eaten, they love cows. The national Sunday's breakfast is Bife de Lomo steak with Chimichurri sauce (extra garlic), scrambled french fries with eggs, and a strong red table wine. Nothing says 'Good morning' better than that!

For your reading pleasure, those who tell you all about "Argentine Cuisine", may also believe Evita and Carlos Gardel are still alive, and will return aboard Comet Hale-Bopp and a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey, to re-seed the Island of Madagascar with Dodo birds.

There are a couple of things worth mentioning however:

• Dulce de Leche: The famous spread that spread around the globe
• Chimichurri: Gimme Curry!! Gimme Curry!! The Argentines, not trained to understand the gibberish tongue of the unskilled English railwayman, developed acute ear afflictions and instead of preparing curry they concocted what is now the famous stake sauce.

The Argentine asado is honestly quite good, you must try it. Or else. And in fact all proceeds of your barbecue purchase will go to saving a little cow calf from growing up underfed and without shoes as it waits for a hammer to drop on it's head and crush it's skull.

Won't you help delay the slaughter of an innocent little calf for a year or two? Please, eat now!

The rest of Argentine cuisine includes 100% Argentin-INIAN original dishes like: "pizza genovesa" (Genoan Pizza), "arrollado español" (Spanish rolls), "ensalada rusa" (Russian salad), "sopa inglesa" (English soup), and "torta galesa" (Welsh cakes).

Special mention to alfajores and Argentine ice cream. All tourists and visitors who return home after a week or two in Argentina develop PACSS (Post-Argentine Cooking Stress Syndrome), including extremely serious withdrawal symptoms and random, uncontrollable body spasms on the floor when they eat their local food again and realize it tastes wretchedly foul, and is thus indigestible. On the positive side, PACSS will make them lose all 10 kilos (30 pounds) gained while eating their way through the Provinces.

[edit] Did you know that??

Most Argentines deny their country was ever part of Latin America, and for good reasons. On the other hand Latin Americans deny Argentina belongs to their region, definitely for better reasons.

• Now you know!

• Argenitinian women are very keen on plastic surgery a quick look at local celebrities would make you think that Michael Jackson has finally taken that final step: sex-change surgery

• Argentinians are also enslaved easily. You just need to offer them free stuff and they will follow you without hesitation. If they resist offer them footbal and porn to men and hydrogen peroxide to women. Then put them in your sock drawer and make them do your housework.

• the great thing about Argentina now is that if there is a nuclear attack it will look better afterwards

Mother's day in Argentina is in October and not in May, so Argentines request that you do not send chain e-mails on that day. Money transfers however are always appreciated.

• An argentinian will survive where an rat would starve

Argentine football teams are the only undefeated teams in sporting history. As an anecdotal side note, no matches where an argentine team has been trailing with 10 minutes to go in regulation have ever been allowed to finish.

• Ahora vos sabés!

After shaking hands with an argentinian count your fingers

Monkeys are argentines turned inside out

Despite all advances in technology achieved by the Argentine people, fashion seems to be their most lacking area of science. The space time continuum folds over the Argentines on that matter, the distortions cause the illusion of it being 1986, making them look like they're still on 1982.

This results in the odd image of men wearing long frisky mullets and red bandanas, and women wearing perms and black and white dotted one-pieces. Soccer uniforms of that time are also the most used indumentary, as it is the only productive process Argentina's textile industry cares to know about.The place where leaves John Topo a place for you.

• (I didn't know that)

Sos grosso.

• Sabelo

[edit] See also

• Brazil (in argentine: Puaj!)
• England (in argentine: Piratland Repuajjj!)
• Maradona
• Poor People

	Central America and South America
	Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone
	South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español)