Arizona

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Reino de Zona Árida y antiguo Arizona
Kingdom of Arid-Zona
Arizona

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Piense en"
Anthem: "¡No necesitamos el agua!"
Capital	Sun City Vistoso
Largest city	Scottsdale
Official languages	Spanish Mexican English Navajo Pueblo Finnish
Government	Kingdomocracy
President	David Ricardo
National Hero(es)	Gore, Barry Goldwater, John Birch, John McCain, Janet Napolitano
Declaration of Independence	Graduation is in Two Years
Currency	Pesos and American Dollars
Religion	Roman Catholic, Church of the Sun God, Mormons.
Population	000
Exports	Sand, Meth, Community College Students

Commonly thought to be a what Arid-zonans believe to be the Apocalypse, namely because of the existence on a blue substance, thought to be water. Note the red star.

The results of the vote to decide whether or not to let Arizona secede from the United States as the Kingdom of Arid-zona. Obviously there wasn't too much of a fight.

“I love Arizona, and not just because of the fond memory I have there of dying of heat stroke.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Arizona

The Kingdom of Arid-zona, or '"Little Mexico'" formerly known as Arizona, is the first state to implement a comprehensive dihydrogen monoxide ban. However, during "monsoon season" the annual 3 inches of rain fall and evaporate within 5 minutes, lowering the temperature to 120° and increasing the relative humidity to 99.999% for approximately 42 minutes.

Rain falls for about twelve seconds each year, making it impossible for things to survive, including humans. As such, the typical Arid-zonan does not see the relationship between water and rivers. One river actually winds its way past the northern border of Arizona, but the local government managed to make the water flow around to California.

In Ancient times, legend had it that Finnish snowmen traveled into Arid-zona. But then they were ambushed by the Sun God. Their screams can still be heard. Their faces melted and for a short time, (about five seconds) made a lake now known as the Grand Canyon. Every year the people remember this day by shooting a flaming lance of death at a man dressed in a costume. Usually the man falls into the Grand Canyon to please the Snowmen God.

In 1964, Barry Goldwater was elected the first President of Arizona and his body is still preserved for viewing in a secret John Birch Society crypt in North Scottsdale. In the 1950s, Goldwater was a proud member of the Phoenix Country Club, but, because he was half-Jewish, he was only allowed to play nine rounds of golf.

Arizona is known as the Grand Canyon state, a fact which it hangs onto with much pride. Despite the fact that most Arizonans have never even seen the Grand Canyon, it is a point of national pride for them because Arizona has little else in the way of, um... what's it called? Oh, yeah, interesting things...

[edit] Climate

• Extreme heat. The average temperature is probably around 1,000,001.009 degrees Fahrenheit
• A lot of sand! Excellent for beaches! (Just be sure to bring you own 18,000 gallons of water)
• Hella cold in the White mountains (But these are in the middle of everywhere. All those who went there died on the way back - why do you think there's a petrified "forest" north of where the mountains are supposed to be?)
• Cold!
• Hot!
• Muy frio en Yuma (see below).
• The most common way of surviving this atmosphere is to do large amounts of crystal meth, and stay outdoors until nightfall.
• Northern Arizona can gets fucking COLD.
• It is possible to die of heat stroke and hypothermia in Arid-zona-at the same time due to Arid-zona's intense fluctuating temperatures.
• NO HUMIDITY.
• Do not tell Canadians, I-talians, Polacks, kikes and retirees from L.A. or New York about this! Arizona has had it up to HERE with newcomers, ethnic types or foreigners.

[edit] Wildlife and Plant Life

• Saguaro Cactus (Evolved to live by creating its one water from sunlight, like how New Mexican cacti consume tourists.)
• Tumbleweed.
• Atlantic Vampire Roadrunner (Adapted to feed upon residents for nutrition and water).
• Wile E. Coyote (Canis coyotes wolfus idiotus savantus).
• Sand.
• Dead Trees.
• Dead Stuff.
• Dead Everything.
• Jackalopes.
• Kangaroo Rats - they don't give birth to young by pouches.
• Snakes - hold on to one.
• Scorpions - nice to play with.
• Cactus Wrens - approach them.

And Michael Jordan was here??!!!! Rattle Gators- Nasty nasty animals STAY AWAY

[edit] Major Cities

• Phoenix was the former capital of Arid-zona and home to the growing crystal meth trend that our nation's kids are going bananas for. In 2007 when the city became a majority Mexican, the city council ruled with a 5-2 to make Spanish the official language of the city and banned any bilingual education in English. The population of Phoenix was 3,192,190 on January 1st, 2008.

• Maricopa expected to be the new state capital and state's largest city by 2050: People stop moving there! It's the middle of nowhere, no jobs available, 30 miles away from any freeway, and there's nothing to do here.

• Gilbert, Gilbert is the home of the upper middle class people who cant quite afford to live in Scottsdale, but want to escape the large amount of illegal aliens and tweakers who populate the surrounding areas. Tweakers rarely venture into Gilbert unless to go return stolen items from other surrounding wal-mart stores.

• Scottsdale, French for "land of white people with expensive coke habits, no culture and burnt-orange Hummers"; is a snobby, cliche-looking suburb of Phoenix, complete with thousands upon thousands of red-tile-roof homes built of stucco and surrounded by artificial grass. The streets of Scottsdale are paved with Turquoise and smell of Cognac and repressed sex. The average household income for a family of four is $872,493. Snottsdale has recently become a hotbed of cougar activity; half of the male student population of ASU under the age of 20 have been stalked, harassed, or even assaulted by 40 year old divorcees in their ex-husbands' Mercedes.

• Mesa is known as Arizona's diamond in the ruff, oh wait - sorry, that's just a giant shard of crystal meth. The streets of Mesa are flooded with dirty syringes and small baggies stained with the residue of cocaine and crystal meth. If it were not for the great Mormons, Mesa would just be a part of Apache Junction. For these reasons it should be avoided at all times. Home to 500,000 people (doubles in the winter, and triples whenever Mexicans arrive to work).

• Apache Junction lies to the east of Phoenix. It has been rated as the most run down city in the history of forever and is subsequently closed to the public. It's been said in legend that going into the mystical city will turn you into a frog. However, studies have shown it to be a result of drinking the water. The sand in Apache Junction is laced with blood, snot, and meth as Apache Junction is the meth capital of the universe. It was created with the sole purpose of colonizing all meth addicts in an attempt to isolate them from human life, or vice versa. So far it is working, however there are occasional breaches in security, most notably the multiple escapes of colony resident "Sheriff" Joe Arpaio. During these escapes he sends the surrounding cities into a frenzy by posing as a high-ranking local law figure and making meth-fueled proposals on city law. Unfortunately, due to local law enforcement immaturity (the average age of Phoenix Metro area police officers and deputy sheriffs is 13), police are sometimes foiled by the "Sheriff" and his schemes are set into motion.

• Tempe is a sister city to Columbus, Ohio. Like Columbus, it's sole purpose is to pack as many college students into one area. 93% of alcohol not sold to depressed construction workers in Phoenix Circle Ks is bought within Tempe city limits. The main exports of Tempe are obnoxious metrosexuals and college-girl escorts. It's a brother city to Tampa, Florida also a hot crazy place.

• Glendale is the wasteland located slightly west of Phoenix and is home to Glendale Community College -- a secondary school attended by ninety percent of Arizona's high school graduates. Most of these individuals somehow managed to fail admissions into Arizona State University, so it is advised to avoid eye contact with Glendale Community College graduates as it has been scientifically proven to cause a loss of a minimum of fifteen IQ points. Glendale also houses a $162 trillion dollar football stadium known as Pink Taco Stadium, aka University of Phoenix Stadium (which is not an actual University but an online college). It hosts college bowl games, concerts, cockfights, meth lab seminars, and tamale roasts but unfortunately, until recently, no NFL teams played there. However, with the recent loss* in the Superbowl, the Arizona Cardinals have become an official NFL team. *Everyone who watched the game knows that Santonio Holmes did not completely have both feet on the ground for the winning touchdown.

• Peoria lies next to Glendale, and is the pit in which Warlock "Sherrif" Joe Arpaio supposedly spawned from. Peoria has had an ongoing civil war between the average middle-class citizens (Led by General Alice Cooper), the Mexicans, and the White Trash Alliance. Battles often occur in traffic lanes with the weapon of choice being the human middle finger. This is believed to be the result of vastly reduced driving skills due to brain overheating. The average speed for senior citizens in Peoria is 24 mph, while the average for high schoolers has slightly increased in recent years to 162 MPH.

• Sun City Vistoso is the capital of Arizona and is a town just outside of Phoenix. It will be named the second largest city in the United States by 2025. Sun City is one of a few government run "retirement communities" where Baby Boomers are are promised Social Security benefits, and then shipped off to die. In this land where rotting takes decades due to the lack of water, most are sent to the Petrified Forest National Park located East of Holbrook, AZ (informally known as Sun City Memory Lawn) where they are posed as 'petrified wood'.

• Anthem A truck stop between Phoenix and Flagstaff full of angry, angry people.

• Chandler is a lesser known city, but it does have something to attribute to history: it is the city that produces the most community college attendees.

• Laveen the Black ghetto, politely known as Southside Phoenix. When in Laveen it is not uncommon to hear a multitude of gun shots and car bombs. Its Arizona's little piece of the middle east.

• Tolleson the Brown ghetto, full of Mexicans and Chicanos ASI HOMIES.

• Avondale the Yellow ghetto since the Japanese American internment camp days.

• Buckeye A.k.a. "Fuck it". the Redneck ghetto: White trash and Injuns.

• Goodyear Once had the world's largest rubber tire factory (now in Mexico) and they have the best b-ball palyer in the world somkey niqqa.

• Litchfield Park A tiny town next to Goodyear and Avondale that thinks it's the shit, cause it has the Wigwam Resort and used to be THE wealthy area west of Phoenix. Full of stuck-up has-been assholes and attempted to annex Goodyear, a city 50 times bigger than it, though Goodyear is 300,000 times wealthier.

• Tucson, located in the southern part of Arid-zona, is the location of an underground immigrant movement obsessed with community radio and Celtic Music. Granola is sold as a snack at the Arizona Opera and sporting white socks with Birkenstocks is considered stylish.

• Flagstaff is a major Native American trading post 3,500 miles north of Phoenix. Flagstaff has been known to have measurable snowfall, but only during the great blizzard of January 643 BC. Flagstaff is Arizona's main supplier of feminism, homosexuality, and liberalism. Because it is a college town all persons who live in Flagstaff are required to have a 'holier than thou' attitude at all times, particularly when they travel back to their hometown to request 'awareness money' from their parental units for next month's "Feminists Against Homosexuals who Rape Female Dogs" liberal rally. It is simply the worst city in America with a lingering odor of dead horse from the dog food factory, redskinned Injuns whacked out on ice, and just a general overall "Oh-good-God-what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-this-place-kill-me" feeling.

• Yuma is an isolated dump located in extreme-southern in Arizona (sometimes referred to Northern Mexico) and has a population of 100,000 (demographics: 2,500 white people and 97,500 illegal aliens). It is well known for being the only city in the world with a Walmart that has all of it's signs in Spanish (i.e., 'Wal-Marto, precios bajos siempre, siempre') and all employees are required to '¿No habla ingles?'. White people from Yuma hate the fags from Phoenix and Tucson who bitch about illegal immigration because their illegal immigration problem is silly compared to Yuma's. Yuma is also a hub for elderly Canadians whom flock to the area during winter to escape Canada's Old Person hunting season; they are commonly referred to "Canadian illegal aliens" by locals. People generally move to Yuma for it's amazingly low crystal-meth prices and coyote-BDSM subculture.

• Sedona is a tourist attraction South of Flagstaff. It's famous for having water that will give you E. Coli. The residents of the town are all either absolutely loaded or starving because they're paying the highest real estate prices in Arizona. Be careful in Sedona, because if you drive at the speed limit you will get pulled over by Officer Pot, and if you flick a cigarette butt out of your window other drivers will call the cops on you.

• Surprise A sudden growth edge city, when the Phoenix area has enough of them. Home to Sun Cities Arizona, the largest concentration of old people in the world. Youngtown is a Grey Person separatist hold: Anyone under age 55 cannot live within the 0.6 square mile city limits. The Grey ghetto. Wickenburg is where old people go to die, like seagulls lost in the winter migration patterns.

• Casa Grande Where Interstates 8, 10, 17 and 19 meet. It's nothing more than a truck stop and 1,000 roads with a golf course and man-made lake, but no one lived there until recently: Time to build a home now, eh?

• Needles and Blythe are in California, dumbass. But they are sure close to Arizona.

• Lake Havasu City A city in the midle of nowhere, which is Arizona. The greatest feature in Havasu is a bridge, that was constructed in 1456, it's called Baghad Bridge because of the holes on it. The river that passes by the bridge is the Colored river, eventually it leads to El canyon Grande. The actual Mayor is Smokey McFart.

[edit] 1 Tragic Visit

Mario's worst visit to Grand Canyon

One day, Mario took a visit to the Grand canyon to get away from Mushroom Kingdom and tried bungee jumping but the string broke and he fell to the ground. Many police cars came to help him but they all crashed into 1 spot, a background character yelled "My Leg!" just like in SpongeBob Squarepants.It was so funny even the birds were laughing, I yelled tiring at them, cool scene but they didn't hear me over the Cat In The Hat chattering like spiders. Poor Mario was in the hospital for a month, therefor he fucking hates bungee jumping. Kimichi from Chowder took a photograph of this and put it on the news. The same picture is up there, no there you stupid idiot! WHEN THE FUCK ARE GOING TO... thank you!

[edit] People from Arizona

The general Arizonian is either an imported mid-western Cracker or Hispanican and has many issues solving simple problems. Watch out for such cretins editing articles on Uncyclopedia as they will lower the cumulative IQ of the rest of the site if it's possible. Technology in Arizona is generally outdated due to the inability to find where the existing technology is because of sand and dust buildup.

Overall, Arizona doesn't claim too many gay people...or it may be possible that not too many gay people want to claim to be from Arizona. Like any notable person-person, any notable gay person in Arizona is probably a transplant like 97.6% of residents who move here with intent to collect welfare, masturbate constantly, and die. Except for Jordin Sparks who, in an amazing show of probability, actually lived in Matthew's anus before reaching fame and was proud of it. What's more, Arizona (and especially the depths of Hell, aka Glendale) was all too eager to clamp onto her fame and success in destroying Death Star Two, killing Simon Cowell, and riding that wave until it was no more than a dead cow.

Washed-up celebrities who have been kicked out of California for losing "cool points" with Ryan Seacrest typically move to Arizona. Some notable figures (that probably aren't gay) include:

• Ted "Frozen Head" Williams
• Stevie "Goat/Witch" Nicks
• Sandra Day-O Belafonte
• "Sheriff" Joe The Eskimo Psycho
• Citizen John McCain
• Bear E. Pisswater
• Barry M. Silvermilk
• Man Tits Mickelson
• Frank Lloyd Zappa
• Alice "Kiss My Grits" Cooperstown
• Linda "Dig A Pony" Ronstandt
• Michelle Branch, worthless singer
• Geronimo, Elmo, Satchmo, Texaco, & Plaxico Burress
• Oscar Wilde's illegitimate sister Oscary
• Satan
• Robert White
• your mom
• Walt Disney's head (his body is cremated and buried in Disney Land)

It is also worth noting that about 125% of the population in the suburbs of Phoenix is over 88 years old since the dry climate allegedly prevents the body from rotting. However, due to the insurmountable fertility rate of most local residents the mean age has continued to decline as people aren't dying as fast as they are being born. With this comes more water woes as there isn't any.

[edit] Economy

Typical Arizonan organ pipes. They're not even hollow!

• The primary export of Arizona is crystal meth.
• Other key exports include dust, soccer moms, and people smart enough to leave Arizona.
• The state is also the world's leading manufacturer of organ pipes, even though none of its inhabitants know how to play the organ, or even how to make organs with them. As a result, 99% of the production is dumped is a place called "Organ Pipe National Monument", a Monument to what should not be done.
• The main imports are snowbirds.
• The state's many golf courses, noted for their lack of water hazards, are popular among bad golfers.

[edit] Sports Teams

The Coyotoes support the goals for Idiots Campaign.

It is a common misconception that Arid-zonans attend sporting events. Actually, due to the fact the no sports team in Arizona has ever accomplished anything good, well except the Diamondbacks who beat the NY Yankees for the world series championship. We suppose we can say the Suns have been good too with their fast offense that people come to see but can barely see because it's too fast. The Cardinals are the current bigshots in Arizona even though they've seucked for over 100000000000 years. They finally made it to the superbowl but lost because Arizona's Defense thought that they would win but slacked off and lost the superbowl for the Cardinals. We have nothing good to say about the Phoenix Coyotes. Fuck them.

Arid-zonans are only vaguely aware of their existence at all. This is as much as is known about them:

• The Arizona Cardinals are a bunch of weak birds that play football. They don't even play in Arizona. They play in some nuclear waste dump. See, Pink Taco Stadium.
  • Sun Devil Stadium was their home when they moved from St. Louie in 1988.
    • OMG! They're in the Super Bowl!! The NFL is finished!!!
• The Phoenix Suns have never won the NBA Finals because they only draft players that went to Arizona State University (the team's office is in Tucson though). Therefore, they begin every game by stumbling onto the court drunk and stoned.
  • The team owners moved them to Palm Springs, Cal. (or better yet, Las Vegas).
    • Suns owner Richard Heckmann lives in Yuma and a winter home in Flagstaff.
• The Arizona Diamondbacks don't actually exist. They are part of a large-scale government brainwashing experiment.
  • They won the world series against the Yankees in 2001! O RLY?
    • Their home field is the Cotton King Field of Casa Grande or the Desert Sun Stadium of Yuma.
• The Phoenix Coyotes tried to play hockey once upon a time, but unfortunately the ice rink only lasted into the first 7 minutes of the season, upon which it evaporated. To this day no one knows who exactly it was that had one too many whiskey sours and decided to put a sport on ice in the middle of the fucking desert.
  • The Phoenix Roadrunners of the East Coast Hockey League play in Peoria.
    • Cellular One Ice Den in Scottsdale is their teams' training camp.
• Arena football, Indoor soccer and Roller hockey teams in the America West Arena.

[edit] Fun Facts

• Any green landscape is immediately eradicated by the state and the aspca.
• If snow is found anywhere south of Payson, call the authorities, as this is most likely an acid waste explosion.
• Prescott is full of Mormons, same goes to Chandler, Gilbert, Mesa and Tempe, known for a huge-ass Mormon temple.
• It is the only U.S. state to share the same weather conditions as Iraq.
• Arizona State University dominates the NCAA in date rape.
• The City of Gila Bend, Arizona was the last known location of Frank Zappa's everlasting soul.
• The University of Arizona is the Kingdom's only source of Dirt Covered Sluts.
• Retards from Florida insist that Arizona has no snow. Those retards are right.
• One of the state's biggest tourist attractions, Scottsdale, is the premier ghost town zombie habitation in the American Southwest as it is full of soulless shells milling about.
• Californians are slowly sucking the life out of this state as inhabitants are infiltrating it in fear that their state will soon be sucked into a black hole (or the Pacific Ocean) and deleted from the time space continuum.

[edit] FUN State Facts

• State b-ball player: smokey niqqa!!
• State Fuhrer: "Sheriff" Joe 'Meth-lab Joe' Arpaio of Maricopa County.
• State Motto: "La Migra! La Migra!".
• State Flower: exempt due to lack of water which is required for actual plants to grow.
• State Bird: Steamed Pigeon.
• State cars: BMW 7 series, '83 Honda Civic, Hummer, large white pickups.
• State number: 115F .
• State stationery: Copper plates.
• State river: Agua Fria (translates as 'water free').
• State song: James Taylor - Mexico.
• State state: The Navajo nation.
• State nation: Southern Arizona (Mexican territory until 1853).
• State instrument: Scorpion Flute.
• State nemesis: Redflex Scamera .
• State Airline: AeroMexico.
• State food: Carne Asada and refried beans or anything containing chipotle.
• State slut: Christi Yamagoochi.
• State alcoholic drink: PBR and Tecate.
• State road: None: all of them have cameras and we're not proud.
• State anime: Phoenix.
• State's Asiatown: Grand Avenue and Saguaro Park Detention center.
• State religion: Mormonism.
• State Whine: "Lyke OMG its LYKE sooooooooo hawt, ugh!"
• State tax: .001%.
• State Landmark: Mexico.
• State University: University of Arizona and Glendale Community College.
• State dumping place for morons: Northern Arizona University
• State Asylum: Arizona State University and Grand Canyon College of Maryvale (i.e. Desert Tent State Prison).
• State Whore shemale Rapist: Janet Nopalitano.