- You may be looking for Armageddon (Band) and not even know it!
“Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will”
“That movie sucked balls! ”
“Armageddon out of here! ”
“Fish fingers can in no way bring about Armageddon ”
“I was previously unaware that people feel that geddons should be armed.”
“This is an ever-present issue that has long needed public recognition”
Armageddon is the prophecied relief we will all feel when we finally don't have to try anymore. The name derives from the ancient plain of Mevagissey. Is it the greatest joke in the known universe, or merely an apocalyptic crisis? It is, you will find, often too difficult to tell. Although when a WWE fan hears the word Armageddon they get excited beacause of the WWE Pay-Per-View held in December.
This was a notable problem in the era of the Spanish Inquisition, and therefore, they employed the noted physicist, torturer, and violinist (some would dispute the difference between the last two) Bernoulli to devise a sure and certain mathematical formulae. This formulae would, in all circumstances, permit an accurate assessment of the risk of likely immanentizing the Eschaton.
This function is known as the Armageddon Function, and cannot responsibly be reproduced in full, as it is known to cause spontaneous human combustion amongst those insufficiently prepared for its majesty.
We can, however, reproduce half of it here.
... and, well, that's all you're going to get.
This is a very early example of integral calculus.
How the world will end
A lot of different theories have been suggested throughout the centuries for how the world will meet its doom. The most popular are global warming/ice age, nuclear winter, a pokemon revolution, starling uprising and bloody big comet.
Some say the world will end in fire. Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire, I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that for destruction Chuck Norris is also great and would suffice. (Cf. Not by Robert Frost)
Most people think the day will be 21 12 2012, and it will happen by everyone becoming British somehow.
How you can help it end
For those impatient, you can bring on the armageddon early. For starters, you must be ready to survive it. Watch Mad Max and buy several metric tons of canned spam and put it in your rusty beater of a car. Also abandon any family and relations, or Releeshans. Now bring about the apocalypse by:
- Advertising McDonalds
- Supporting landing rights for meteors
- Going on a killing spree
- Joining an apocalyptic cult (If they plan to commit suicide if the armageddon doesn't come, you had better just save them the inconvenience and kill them yourself)
- Buy a truck bed full of weed then burn it at a large public event. (this is more fun then apocalyptic)
- Scare your neighbors by killing their cats and placing the corpses in odd positions and places
- Go to the abortion clinic and ask for a meal
- Join the republican party
- Join the democratic party
- Join Communists
- Eat the cream exerted by a wizards sleeve, or perhaps envelop your face in a sleeve of wizard.
- which ever political party you join support it enough for them to believe they are the true political power and cause a civil/national war with a possible nuclear holocaust.
With these easy steps, you're well on your way to going completely insane and thinking there's been an apocalypse. Congrats!
Armageddon: The movie
A bunch of idiots go up into space to destroy it. All the interesting idiots die horribly. The idiots work to destroy the asteroid before they all die; meanwhile bits of it had gone on ahead and blown up parts of Earth, including Paris but nobody cared about that city because French people eat snails and wear striped shirts.
All the yawn-fest astronauts who managed to make it through alive land their shuttle back on Earth, expecting a hero's welcome. Instead, a whole bunch of people in ape masks rush out and two of the astronauts have heart attacks and die right there on the tarmac. Much laughs are to be had.
The movie is still rumored to this day to have been digested as a crappy romance movie by the director and after a few days shit out in it's current format and sent to theaters, whom refused to show it first, until love-obsessed teenage girls and nerd boys (who love Liv Tyler) petitioned and killed the owner of the world's theaters, Ted Turner. That's a lot of shitting.
A porno version named "Arm-a-geddon sore from all this masturbating" is currently in production. The film is directed by Hitler's Jewish brother Steven with Queen Latifah and Stephen Hawking in the leading acting roles.
Cast of the movie
- Chuck Norris as Galactus
- Tom Cruise as Dan Aykroyd
- Dan Aykroyd as Tom Cruise
- Don Vito as the Asteroid
- Pikachu as the lightning
- Joan Rivers as France
- Tim Allen as the guy that they use for all of the death scenes
- Eddie Murphy as The Red Ranger
- Oscar Wilde as Johnny Bravo
- Mr. T as God
- God as Mr. T
- John Cena as Frank the Wonder Horse
- Rosie O' Donnell as Resident Whore of the Spaceship
- Barbara Walters as The Spaceship
- George Bush as the commander
- Weegee as Weegee
- The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse in a cameo appearance
- Trogdor directing
- System of a Down as the Armenians
- Big Show as Major Orian overlord
- Your Mom as a Random Lady
Armageddon is also a place, located somewhere in Texas, where the end of the world's supply of air is supposed to take place. Due to CFCs and the Ozone layer and all that mess, oxygen escapes the atmosphere at astronomical levels. Scientists believe that sometime near the year 2015, the air will finally run out, causing the ozone layer to collapse in upon itself, crushing billions of people. The only known survivors will be the Mole People.