Army
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- Not to be mistaken for YMЯA.
The US ARMY, (a backwords acronym for Yes. My. Retarded. Ass. Signed Up.) is a subjugation of the US Army (Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet or Yes, My Retarded Ass Signed Up, Or Aren't Ready to be Marines Yet) from which all armies are derived, the latter of which is the leasted used among average soldiers (for obvious reasons). This group is a large collection of brave men (but not brave enough), women and others that scored poorly on their asvab and could not join the Navy or Air Force, who defend our country from such hazards as "armies" which are evil organizations of trained killers which exist in foreign countries. Actually being in the Army is possibly one of the most life sucking, soul crushing things which can happen to a human.
Contents |
[edit] A History of Armies
[edit] Ancient Times
The standard ancient army was invented by Alexander the Great but patented by Julius Caesar. In it, armies were divided into hundredths (centuries) each century consisted of five phalanxes, each commanded by a ka-huna or dragoman. A century's five phalanxes were specialised. Phalanx one (consisting of three regiments of eight cohorts) was infantry, or baby troops foot soldiers. Phalanx two consisted of cavalry, or horse soldiers (that is, soldiers who rode horses; not some kind of furry thing). Phalanx three was the corps of political officers, whose job was to ensure that the troops remained loyal to the Communist Party. Phalanx four consisted of archers (these were the dropouts of architecture school who tried to build arches, but never quite got it right). Phalanx five was a backup, in case one of the other four were lost or left near strong magnets.
[edit] Medieval Europe
In the middle ages, armies wielded rattan weapons and fought in home-made armour. Some more sophisticated wore loin cloths and poked each other with pointed sticks and slightly jaggedy rocks. The Vikings then came along from Arnold Swarzenegger land and started eating babies and other useless people like the Hippies. The French were terrified. Their Escargot was to be eaten! (Well the Vikings really just threw them at people... seriously... who eats that shit?) Meanwhile in Britain the people were still fighting with pointed sticks and jaggedy rocks. So soon all of Europe was in chaos! The French's Escargot became the first Bio warfare bomb, Britain decided to make countries and said "Lets make a big collection of people and make them fight something." so they did. The rest of Europe did so too and then European Armies were born. This was a grim day... This meant that they wanted to conquer stuff. Which led to the discovery of America.
[edit] Medieval Asia
Asian armies of this period were more or less useless, since single heroes could defeat them by leaping high in the air, spinning around a few times and coming down in the middle of the opposing army, slashing them all to ribbons single handed. They also used carrots as a deadly projectile and were capable of hurling them some 40,000 miles into the sky. One carrot could decimate all but the best fighters. Most Asian armies were naked virgins with small dicks.
[edit] Napoleonic Age
Armies did not exist between the decline of the armoured knight and the rise of Napoleon. Armies of this time consisted of a) Napoleon and b) thousands of extras. It is thought that navies of the period were commanded by unbendingly stern captains.
[edit] Modern Armies
Modern armies have been pretty much obscelete for the last fifty years, with near every conflict between modern, organised high-tech forces and scabby losers with homemade guns and bombs ending in total victory for the scabby losers. Actual armies very rarely fight each other, because someone might get hurt.
[edit] THE BRITISH ARMY
Ah yes, the British Army a haven for the best. Where strength becomes willpower and discipline becomes neccesary. This is heart of our nation, the pulse of our country, this is what I've been paid to write (oops sorry). But what is it that makes the British Army the fighting machine it is? People of strength and intellect: The Officers!!
(Door Knocks) 2)Knock, knock
1) Who's there?
2) Give some.
1) Give me some who?
2) GIVE ME SOME SUGAR!!!
1) What do you want?
2) I SAID I WANT SUGAR!!!
1) Go ask the US Army. They're all tinas de manteca de cerdo
2) What's that sir?
1) It's spanish for tubs of lard.
2) But your British? Your not a Spanish spy are you?
1) Are you retarded? Everyone in Britain knows Spanish.
2) Wait... What's Spanish?
1) Wow... You're retarded.
2) Sir, What's retarded?
1) WOAH! You ARE retarded!
2)Well sir, you called me to see you sir.
1)Oh yeah sorry... Wait, I did? What do I want?
2)I don't know sir, that's what I've come to find out.
1)Well?
2)Well what,sir?
1)Ohhhh!!! Have you found out what I want yet?
2)Er...no sir.
1)Well go and find out won't you?!!!
2)Yes,sir. Sorry sir.
(Door closes. 2 beats. Door opens)
1)Yes?
2)You wanted to see me, Sir.
1)Jolly good, jolly good. Have a seat. Sherry?
2)Oh thank you sir.
1)Sorry, only got Brandy.
2)Never mind then, sir. Now then what did you want to see me about.
1)Well its about one of these new recruits we've just taken on and I'm a little unsure about.
2)Oh, Sir, which one?
1)Private Murphy. How's he getting on?
2) No problems at all sir, gets on well with the lads. Indeed, he's got a fine military record. He served in Ireland prior to joining us.
1)Oh, really which regiment?
2)The Irish Republicans, sir.
1)So you haven't noticed anything odd about him?
2)No he gets on well with all his platoon. He loves playing practical jokes. You remember Captain Carruthers had a birthday the other day? Well Private Murphy bought him a present all the way from Ireland. The only thing was, when the captain opened it up, it exploded. Hilarious, it even had the Corporal in stitches.
1)Yes 20 or 30 if I remember rightly. Have you really noticed nothing odd about him?
2) Well he does refer to us affectionatly as "Murdering Fascist Protestant Scum" and there is the fact he has photos of Ian Paisley crucified upside down in his locker if that is what you mean.
1) No, not at all, only to be expected. I am actually reffering to the way he puts his boots on without bothering to polish them. That's a disgrace to the Platoon, and the British Army.
2)Ok, sir, I'll go and have a word.
1)Yes, make sure you do that!! If it got around that the British Army enlists untidy layabouts. Why, it would be just as bad as if we'd enlisted somebody from a terrorist organisation or something.
Meanwhile on the parade ground:
1)Right you orrible little bastards. I 'ave been told to 'ave a little word with you abaht wot you 'as been taught. Private Bayswater Ten Shun!!! Private Bayswater, you is in a trench. The enemy 'as you surrounded. There is a phone to HQ, but the line's been cut, what do you do?
2)Errr....Shit myself, sir.
1) Then what?!!
2)Well, grab a white flag and wave it about a bit, sir.
1)You do not grab a white flag, Private Bayswater, because it is not 'eroic. Whoever got into the history books through waving a white flag about? It just isn't done. No, you gets up out of your trench and yell "Come and get me you cowardly bastards!!" When they gun you down, you unfurl a Union Jack and give a chorus of "Rule Brittania" so that they will know that you are British. Then you DIE but in a nice straight arms by the waist attention position, not all flailing around like some dago. That will guarentee you, not only a posthumous VC, but a place in the 'istory books and isn't that what we're all 'ere for anyway? Got that?!!
2)Yes, Sir.
1)Ok, demonstrate!!
(1st man shoots second man who falls to the floor in the usual way.)
1)No,no,no. That's not it at all. What a complete and utter waste of space!!! An absolute abortion!!! Words fail me!!! etc etc.
[edit] Weapons of Modern Armies
But who cares about how useless they are when we can drool over their cool stuff?
[edit] Guns
Modern guns are so powerful that they can shoot through solid granite, and yet so light that you barely know you're carrying one (Or shooting one until you shoot your self in the foot or other body part, come to think of it if you shoot your self in the head would you know you did it?). They are forged by the Elves themselves in the Western Lands, which explains their supernatural properties. Giving some soldiers +4 to agility.
bonus.)
[edit] Anti-Tank Weapons
Cheap and easily made, (resemble taps) these make short work of all sorts of tanks. Power was granted in the landmark 1803 court case, Tank v. Anti-Tank.
[edit] Helicopters
From the ancient Greek "heli" meaning "crashes" and "'copter'" meaning "a lot". Some people actually go to the bother of shooting these down, though why they do so is a mystery. A little patience, and they'll fall out of the sky of their own accord.File:Seakingcrash.jpg
[edit] Body Armour
Why die of bullet-induced injuries when you can die of heat prostration?
[edit] Knives
For commandos and other oiled-up muscle-men who are too hard core to use guns. You sneak up behind an enemy and cut his throat. Unlike many modern weapons, these actually work. Knives are also well-known to make a soldier run faster when carried in the right hand.
[edit] Anti-missile System
Anti-Missile systems are like the King Cobra of Missile Defense Systems. They have the ability to shoot down and eat other missiles in flight. If you see one in the wild, don't feed it. Although it is not poisonous, it will strike in self-defense. Remember, it's just as afraid of you, as much as your afraid of it.
[edit] Landmines
If memory serves, these are the mythical weapons that Princess Di tried to kill herself on.
[edit] Dildos
These are not issued, but it's an essential piece of training gear for every soldier. Daily practice will reduce the pain and humiliation when your officer decides to bone you in the ass, bent across his desk for failing to appear in all 26 daily formations, or claiming that puking up blood makes you sick (He will call it "malingering").
[edit] Smart Bombs
Sm-arter than the av-er-age bomb. Each one is able to beat Kasparov at chess, win three spelling bees, prove the non-existance of Allah to Muslims, seduce Sigourney Weaver, and then go on to miss the munitions plant it was aimed at and hit the petting zoo next door. Hey, nobody's perfect.
[edit] Iraq
A cunningly built device, capable of luring entire armies to their doom. Can be destroyed with nuclear weapons, though no one's even given a drop of thought to doing so. Nintendo has developed the Revolutiontendo in many variations, depending on what they shall be used for. Saddam Hussein will be given a Revolutiontendo for Christmas so he will be tricked into playing a game console that will only frag him.
[edit] Evil toys
Doctor Steel's Army of Toy Soldiers employs a variety of evil toys, such as the Gasoline Supersoaker, Buzzsaw Baby, Li'l Gasser Scratch'n'Spark, Baby Grenades, Psycho Sally, and a whole set of Rabies Babies plush toys. Work is progressing on the semi-automatic Dr. Steel Pez dispenser.
[edit] Robots
Robots have been known to be the primary weapon, other than giant lizards, in the destruction of Japan. They sometimes are piloted by rangers and fight off said giant lizzards to protect whatever the crap they are trying to protect.
[edit] The Suicide Battalion
Arguably the most important part of an army, 99% of all armies are suicide soldiers. They run directly at the enemy, ignoring the incredibly vulnerable weakpoint. Meanwhile the power hungry generals from both sides meet in a nearby tower and laugh as their men die foolishly. HAHAHA
[edit] Why Join the Army?
If you join the army and become a Scout Trooper, you get paid, you get a cool gun! You get free training, free food, free accomodation, and a free funeral (how encouraging) for the entire period of your service, and a military pension afterwards (if you don't die). You can then spend the rest of your life with one arm, two cats and talking about the huge sacrifice you made to your country. You also get to tell civilians that you know more than they possibly can about the complexities of defence policy because you spent three years scrubbing a general's car, you have a bumper sticker saying "I support our troops." and you spent your entire life getting into drunken brawls in German strip clubs. You can also make fun of the Navy because they are a bunch of pansies who have it so much easier than you, (because the Navy is for pansies.)
Also, you get to shoot shit! How freaking cool is that!
[edit] t3h spam warw, lawl
Recently, the spam war broke out. See: The Siege of Spamland. is now going on in augusta georgia.
[edit] Cool Army Names
- Captain Underpants
- Private Parts
- Major Erection
- Major Dump
- Corporal Punishment
- Popcorn Colonel------>Colonel Popcorn
- General Knowledge
- Colonel Sanders
- Major Malfunction
- General Specific
- Private Public
- Captain Pugwash
- Captain Poopypants
- Captain Obvious
- Private Property
- Captain Morgan
- General Jist
- Specialist Ed
- Private Dancer
- Captain Howdy
- General Apathy and Major Boredom (both appear in Ben Folds Five's Battle of Who Could Care Less, a factual account of a real war)
- G.I. Joe
- General Disarray
- Captain Crunch
- Major Dick
- Major ASSwipe
- Major Gasm
- Private Gasm
- Gen. Etal
- Major Ownage
- General Direction
- Private Puller
- Major Mistake
- Major/General Annoyance
- Major Oversight
- Major Glory
- Major Wood
- Colonel Cornhole
- Major Leo Beese
- Seaman Stains
- Major Minor
- Admiral Ackbar
