Army ants, also known as driver ants, chauffer ants, and “Oh My God there must be a brazillion of them” ants, are insects whose name derives from their discovery during the 1936 football game between Massillon U and Army. Inspired by this advance in zoological knowledge, Army rallied to a 20-16 win, but the ants spoiled the post-game picnic.
Army ants are hardworking, devoted to their queen, and blind. These qualities endear them to business owners, who seek to transfer these traits to their employees. Several attempts have been made to create a hybrid between the insects and factory workers, but the only successful attempt so far resulted in 1980’s pop singer Stuart Goddard, who was mercifully forgotten once that godforsaken decade ended.
Army ants form huge colonies. In 1968 Professor R. Drew Namthalan of Duke estimated the size of the average colony at 53,384,434 members. However, it was soon discovered that he arrived at that figure not by research but by taking the total box office receipts for the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey and moving the decimal point to places to the right. Discredited, he resigned, and the faculty at Wake Forest never let their Duke counterparts hear the end of it.
Despite their small size, army ants are a threat to several larger animals, including humans, because of their powerful bite and the size of their colonies. However, the ants can be easily avoided, as they move extremely slowly, advancing only sixty feet in an hour. Go ahead, laugh, but let’s see how fast YOU could move if you were blind, two inches long and surrounded by several million compatriots without an idea of where they were going. Nonetheless, it must be conceded that this is a very deliberate pace, as is considerably slower than what Usain Bolt can achieve, even if he were hopping backwards through mud on one leg with an iron ball attached to it and not even trying his hardest, which often seems to be the case.
Nevertheless, army ants are likely to emerge as a dominant species once the reign of humans is over, and will likely rule the earth until evolution produces the living RAID can to wipe them out and start over again.
|This article needs more work. See ICU and below for details.|
This page will be re-checked on 24 October 2015 (tagged 29 August),
and if not improved will face deletion.