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General Ivanoff - A thinking man's bastard

Arsenal FC (aka Arse Fiddling Cunts or Arse-Anal), are a military operation based in London. Some say they are the spawned from the very excrement of satan himself. They are currently under the leadership of French nationalist Arsene Wenger (English translation "Arsehole Wanker"). They are the best team in the world and make every other team look as crap as Tottenham after a food poisoning outbreak. This was proved when they won the coveted Emirates Cup.


Arsenal were originally known as 'Woolworths Arsenal' (founded in 1909), having been the staff division of the retail giant Woolworths' arms dealing department. The fact that they sold weapons became convenient as it allowed them to put "arse" in their team title (the original founders were notorious bum pirates). Their weapon trade had many distractions on and off the field, most notably when World War I and II broke out. This was both a blessing and a setback as the side had money to chuck at all the best soldiers, the problem being the best soldiers were either dead (most of them being British in those days) or Nazis (a divide too far).

Arsenal pass the ball around 56789098 times during a game. And if you look at an Arsenal player closely, you could see a holster and a revolver sticking out of his shorts pocket.

Following the wars, Arsenal's luck changed after their manager, General Ivanoff, watched Ajax destroy Arsenal in a 'friendly fire' match. However, due to his poor sight, he was confused and thought Arsenal beat Ajax. "Zose cherri shirtid fairies didn't know vat 'it zem", he was heard to boast to friends. This led to hastly drawn up plans by the soldiers to change uniforms with Ajax a few days after the battle and Arsenal have marched on in those colours ever since.

Soon after the management and fans came up with a foolproof plan to beat oponents. They decided that the fans shouldn't sing so as to make the opposing side forget their in a football match and maybe pick up a book. Hence their ground was dubbed "the library". This tactic hasn't been very effective but they still stick at it, the fans having refused to make a single sound since 1922 when someone accidentaly coughed.

Throughout the fifties and sixties Arsenal endured countless losses both on the field and in the war room. A succcession of managers died of Chicken Pox, Gout and "bloody mindedness". Indeed, former boss Captain Trips got so fed up after not winning any trophies for nigh on twenty years he literally depressed himself to death, much against the advice of colleagues and doctors. The boys on the field weren't coping much better either, star player of the day - Norwegian wunderkid Fjord Bastarde - was so upset by heckles from opposing sides, in realtion to his table manners, that he sought to remedy it by slicing his ears off. Needless to say, this did not have the required results and the hecklers just had more ammunition to unload on the poor lad.

In the eighties, Arsenal had considerable fortune on the field in the Battle of the Hanging Field (1989). Against the Scouse, both sides waged a brutal war campaign lasting all season and one which went down to the wire. A vicious battle ensued, and with the Scouse heading toward victory overall, it all hinged on the plucky Lt. M.Thomas who sprang behind enemy lines and "left a deuce in Kennys onion soup". This, of course, was the then leader Lt. Gen. George Graham's way of affectionately refering to the winning manoeuvre. Several years later, Lt. Gen Graham was court martialed for stealing rations off new recruits.

In the nineties Arsepirates bored the shit out of everyone playing what has been voted the worst football in the history of the sport, winning one nil was their only tactic. This tactic was championed by their ever inspiring captain Tony "pisshead" Adams.

On a serious note, Arsenal are a successful team(excluding the last 4 years).

Arsenal FC are possibly the most beautiful bunch of delightful footballers ever to play the game. The club consistently finish in the top 4 of the league on account of their pure beautiful football. in fact they play "Wengerball", 962 passes per minute and every 6.3 hours a shot will be made, usually after several hundred passes in the 6 yard box. Beautiful football is not the only reason Arsenal are so feared. Renowned terrorist Osama Bin Laden is known to be an Arsenal fan and this puts off the shitter teams who play Arsenal; probably due to the fact that they fear his "nuclear arsenal".

The other chief businesses of Arsenal FC are nurturing terrorists, the export of alcohol (though they only produce two products however - Bitter and Whine) and the drowning of puppies who are born in the white and poo colours of Tottenham Hotspurs.

During the construction of Highbury, a horse accidentally fell into an open pit, where the foundations were being laid. It was not rescued but buried under the North Bank Stand. Its ghost can be seen at night urinating on wengers seat and this is why the cunt stinks so much. Unknown to many Arsenal supporters is the fact that their legendary status, as the team who play the best football in the Premiership, is complete nonsense. In fact, the club stole the honour from Manchester United in the early 15th Century, under the guidance of the walking dinosaur Jens Lehmann. United have tried to steal their rightful trophy back in the Ferguson years, but have failed miserably every time. The last attempt was cut short because Carlos Queiroz accidently smashed a window at the Emirates Stadium and woke up baby Walcott, attempts to calm down the young striker were only made worse when Alex Ferguson showed his ugly red face to him. Let's just hope, for everyone's sake, that they reclaim the title and put the "young Gunners" where they belong, in bed.

Arsenal currently have a contract with a Mrs. Edna Jenkins of Hull. Freddie Ljungberg, Thierry Henry and several other players are paid millions to model her gloves. It is believed that they were brought for just 60p in a charity shop in a place not far from where you are.

Modern Era[edit]

These days Arsenal are under the influence of General Wenger, a mishapen man of equally dubious eyesight comparable to his predecessor General Ivanoff. He was selected for the convenience of having "Arse" as the opening syllable of his name. Under his reign, Arsenal have had many battles with Northern English opponents Field Marshal Ferguson III and countless Scouse Leaders (insurgents in the region are to blame for failing stability).

Wenger's recruitment policy has had its critics, but the results speak for themselves; absolutely nothing won in the last four years

Wenger's policy of sending the youth of Arsenal into the front line (after having a quick grope of course) has had many political commentators questioning his sanity and tactics and he has been known to try and send an entire squadron full of foetuses into battle before being convinced otherwise. Though being a tyrant, he often gets his way and many young men have lost their lives through the recklessness of their superior.

Wenger's court-martialing investigation has had to be postponed due to the multiple ongoing peadophilia cases brought against him. Undercover infiltraitors to Arse FC have reported of a secret French plot to invade England by way of populating the country with French footballers. The aim is to set a trend of foreign players hoping the rest of the league will follow thus stifling out any English talent.

Unless of course there are any English players who fit the Arsenal name code. Cesc Fabricass and Andriy Arseshaving would be delighted if Arsene coughed up 50p to sign Nicky Butt and Danny Shittu. Dean Windass was also on the cards but wouldn't take a wage cut even if it meant winning no trophies.

Wengers Policies[edit]

That old man with a permanent frown, otherwise known as Arsène Wenger, is known to have some strange methods of handling transfers and tactics. However, we have recently cracked the code on how Wenger decides on buying players for Arsenal. The players must follow most, if not all of these following criteria

1. He must be French

2. He must be shorter than Wenger

3. He must NOT be a striker

4. He must weigh equivalent or less than Wengers weight divided by pi

5. He must NOT be older than Wengers age divided by pi

6. He must NOT be remotely close to the skill level of Thierry Henry

7. He must NOT be from Britain, Guatemala, Canada or Uzbekistan, unforunately, this means Mrs. M Minhall cannot ever sign for Arsenal, also she is too old.

8. He must NOT be from any Premiership club

9. He must be faster than Wengers speed multiplied by the square of pi

10. He must have a funny name that can be manipulated into a verbal pun

11. He must be able to take candy from a Baby without a second thought.

12. He must be unable to shoot at goal

13. He must not be older than Robin Van Skillz.

14. He must get the Wenger seal of approval. This is when he has to be better than Francis Jeffers

15. He must have a bizarre name.

16. He must have a fake passport.

17. He must be under the age of 10.

18. He must NOT be able to score

19. He must score more goals than the age of the earth divided by pi squared.

20. He must be able to gloat and perform celebrations which look ridiculous, even if the goal is, as usual, a tap-in.

21. He must have a wide knowledge of cheating, and be able to whinge should any decision not go their way.

22. He must initially show promise but then turn out to be crap and be sold to Barcelona or Man City for a Twix and a bottle of diet coke.

After winning the Emirates Cup, it is fair to say that these policies really do work. Arsend really is a genius.

Current Squad[edit]

  • 1. Manuel I'llMoonYa - Spanish fag with a pussy on his lips and bleached fluorescent hair. He is openly gay.
  • 2. Abu Dhabi - Has a black pussy and sucks man utds small penis tits on my belly button! niggar scored goals for man utd
  • 3. Canary Lasagna Fucked up hair. ( milky way and cadbury's milk chocolate hair and face)
  • 4. Secks Faggotass - Overrated pussy who will get banged and he is still a virgin with a cock stitched into his head.
  • 5. Thomas Verminlaen - At 23, he's one of the oldest players ever to be bought by Arse-anal. No one knows anything else about him. Hard as nuts though.
  • 7. Tomáš Sicky - No one knows of his whereabouts, Mel Gibson paid a hefty ransom, but still to this day his fate remains a mystery
  • 8. Samir Nazi - He traveeled through time as you can see by his hairstyle.
  • 9. Eduardo The Silver - Twiddle Toes who needs Dr.Dre Arse Shavin to show him how not to dive
  • 10. Bill Gallas - He is a money grabbing, cock-sucking,nob-toothed monkey!
  • 11. Rubbin' ('n' Rapin') has a van's Pussy - Enjoys men, enjoys sex, dislikes the word 'No'
  • 12. Karrrrrrlos Vela - This cheeky swine recently had the flu, also hes Mexican
  • 14. Theodore Wallcock - An eight year old who one a competition to play during half time when everybody gets up for a shit and a wank
  • 15. Denílson - Formerly Denise, pre-op, remembered for a soliciting charge against Eddie Murphy
  • 16. Aaron Ramsey - Bought from Cardiff for an old goat and two spring onions, overpriced
  • 17. Alexander Dong - After his hit song "When I Got High" fell out of the charts, so did he
  • 18. Mikhail Silversurfer - Bought as part of the clubs "Bring a Retard To Work Day". A nemesis of Fantastic Four squad.
  • 19. Jack 'Cruyff+Pele+Maradona+Zidane' Wilshere - Assisted a goal in the league cup, this resulted in him being crowned the worlds greatest player ever, well deserved
  • 20. Johan Djourou - His 'life partner' Phillipe Sendhimoff is on holiday shopping for purses in Milan, currently being treated for Gonorrhea
  • 21. Łukasz Fabi-ańal-on-ski - Can't dislodge the brilliant Kooochyack or Dudeheck from the polish team, despite them both never playing the game we call Football
  • 22. Gale Storm Cliche - Former presenter of TV show 'Eurotrash', where he inserted a full Baguette into his own Anus
  • 23. Dr. Dre Arse Shaven - Told Barcelona he wanted to sign for them, not bad for an opening joke, but he didn't have any more material, booed off stage
  • 27. Emmanuel Maboobeh? - Once ate a live puppy on national television, now booed by his own fans for this
  • 46. Fran Chlamydia - If your an Arse-Anal fan, this kid is the next Richard Kakacic, everyone else knows he's a bit shit
  • 52. Nick 'class' Bender - Decided to double his squad number so people could see how shit he really is

Notable Casualties[edit]

  • Steve Sorrow
  • Alex Manninger
  • David Ben Gurion
  • Christopher Wreh
  • Steve Bald
  • Tony Addams "Family bu-bu-bu-bu-bu *clap clap*, bu-bu-bu-bu-bu *clap clap*
  • Viera - Once got anally raped on live television by a man named Roy
  • Ian Right?
  • Marc Overmars
  • Emmanuel Pe-Tit
  • Dennis Burgcamp
  • Phillip SendHimOff - Decided to split with his life partner Djourou
  • Pascal Cygan - Maldini, Beckanbauer and Bobby Moore pay tribute to him
  • Lassie Diarrhea - As with all good Arse-Anal players, he was sold within 2 minutes of his debut
  • Cashley Cole - Offered £5 more a week by Chelsea
  • Mickey Mouse
  • Sol Campbell - Owns a soup factory
  • Emmanuel Ade'bye'or - One of the most feared strikers ever
  • Thierry Henry - Left Arse-anal to focus on his Renault Clio adverts
  • David Semen

The FA Premier League
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Glory Hunters
Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. | Manchester Red Sox Ltd.

Slightly shittier teams that finish 3rd and 4th
Mickey Mousers Soccer Franchise Ltd. | Arse-anal

The Rest
Aston Villa | Tottenham Jooscum F.C. | Madchester Oasis F.C. |
Wet Spam G.S.E. | Harrods Cottagers F.C. | Greys Athletic | Long Ball-ton Wanderers | Neverton | Sunderland AFC | Pompeii

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