# Artemis Fowl

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Artemis Fowl.

Artemis Fowl is an international criminal, wanted by Interpol, the FBI, the CIA, Scotland Yard, the KGB, the Vatican, the Illuminati, Spiderman, and all of these groups for a near-infinite verity of crimes, including money laundering, gun running, grand theft, bank robbery, drug dealing, and being a snooty jerk, though in fact, he is responsible for all crime everywhere. If you see him, call the authorities immediately. Dublin PD has tapped his phone lines, and he often talks of "fairies." This is obviously code for something, but what exactly is unclear...

some of the mysterious fairies that Artemis Fowl has seen on his adventures, or something.

## Artemis Fowl II's Rap Sheet

NOTE: If you see any crimes in this list that aren't in the crime template, please correct the template.

in alphabetical order:

## Known Associates

Artemis Fowl was responsible for getting O.J. off the hook.

### The name's Butler... Domovoi Butler...

Domovoi Butler Actually the reincarnation of King Leonidas. Perfers to go by his last name, because "Domovoi" is just about the most ridiculous-sounding name you can think of (even more than, say, naming a boy child after a female goddess (*cough*Artemis*cough*)). Butler is the illegitimate offspring of a ninja and a clinja and a pirate (how it is that he has three parents is unknown), and as such is one of the most deadly fighting forces in the known world. He is one of only two people on earth known to kill a grue with his bare hands, the other one being, of course, Chuck Norris. He is Artemis Fowl's body guard. Being the bodyguard of a twelve-year-old snob was boring and a waste of his talents, so he convinced Artemis to take up a life of crime. Artemis, thinking that this would be a great way to get kids to stop picking on him and pick up chicks, hastily agreed. Butler has been "killed" at least 20 times by the likes of trolls, Arno Blunt (who is the only person in the world with a more absurd name then 'Domovoi'), Putin, Tom Cruise, King Xerxes, Chuck Norris, Knights who say Ni and more. However, he always comes back.

### Juliet Butler

Butler's half-sister and black sheep of the family, Juliet crashes at Artemis' place in order to get over her kitten huffing addiction. Artemis, normally opposed to the idea of random vegabond druggies "crashing"[2] at his place, agrees to let Juliet do so because she has a kickin' bod, and he was hoping to get lucky. She later joins a troop of topless jello wrestlers, and is never heard from again.

### Holly Short

A kick- ass flygirl fairy who Artemis is obsessed with. Both her parents were killed in a tragic accident involving ligers, but the LEP fabricated a massive cover- up and she never has never know what really happened. She lives in a very small apartment that she shares with her pet hamster Freddy, named after her father. Occasianly Artemis 'visits' this apartment on 'business'. No one save Holly and Artemis themselves really know what goes on during this so-called time of 'business'. But I'm willing to bet it's not just Artemis petting her hamster. ...not just the hamster, anyway.

### Mulch Diggums

A photosensitive dwarf with kleptomania, Mulch came on the scene when he tried to steal stuff from Artemis. A big mistake, as Butler then proceeded to beat him within an inch of his life until Mulch gave the stuff back and pledged eternal loyalty to Artemis Fowl. He was then Artemis' go-to guy, stealing stuff when Artemis commissioned him to do so. But we have to pay this guy some respect. He does after all, have the most deadly weapon of all at his command - flatulence. He is in a rivalry with Wario.

## Enemies of Artemis Fowl

### Julius "the Man" Root

Leader of LEPrecon and lawman famous for his heroic deeds. Also a bit of a plonker, he usually solves problems by pratting around and shooting stuff--a strategy with an amazingly high sucess rate. He is well-known for having a red face that could light up central Hull at night (whatever the fuck that means!), which is being considered as a possible solution to global warming. This little fact has earned him the nickname "Beetroot". He was the first to advocate trying to save Holly when Artemis had kidnapped her (old rival Cudgeon wanted to "let her rot", but then, typical poletician, Cudgeon was always telling people what they wanted to hear). He went off half-cocked, and, predictably, walked right into a trap, barely escaping with his life, only to walk into another trap a few years later.

D'Arvit!”

~ Julius Root on walking into traps

### George W. Bush

One of George W. Bush's typical, "zany" goof-ups. Fans are not amused.

Your typical "goof enemy," who's sole purpose in life is to make the hero (in the case of Artemis Fowl, "hero" is used in the loosest possible definition of the term) look good by losing to him in insanely "goofy" and "zany" ways. He's the Team Rocket to Artemis' Ash Ketchem (coincidentally, another boy who has a girl's name). Supposedly the president of the united states, he is disliked by fans of the Artemis Fowl series because a goof like him could never become president in real life...right?...

For such an unpopular character, though, he does have a lot of spin offs about him:

### Cudgeon

An ex-politician who had to resign in disgrace when allegations of kitten huffing surfaced, he attempted to recover from his habit through bible smoking, with disastrous results. The bible smoke combined with traces of kitten soul, acorn magic, and his own elfin genetics to produce a supervillian-esque transformation, like the joker from batman, except totally lame. In light of said transformation, he decided that he ought to try to take over the world, or something, and so joined up with Opal Koboi and her plot, claiming that it was his all along.

When he was still one of the good guys (sic), he was the one who had the idea to set a grue loose in Artemis' house in order to kill everyone and/or scare them into releasing Holly. His opponents thought that this plan was crazy, as grues eat everything, including elves (which Holly happens to be), and the point of rescuing somebody was to "you know, not get them killed" (direct quote--Chix Verbil), but he overpowered the opposition and sent the grue in, with all of his political hopes riding on it. Unfortunately for him, this would turn out to be the very same grue that Butler killed with his bare hands.

### Trouble Kelp

"Trouble" changed his name when he turned eighteen, because it used to be Wendel. He acts bad-ass, but that's just to compensate for the fact that he's nothing more than a bit player. He hates Artemis Fowl, because he took holly away from him. But he doesn´t have to be this upsad: there are enoug bimbo elvs like (lily frond).

### Chix "I'm Gonna Get Me Some" Verbil

A sprite who thinks that he's a ladies' man, in spite of the fact that he has green skin and half of his bodyweight is in his ridiculous-looking wings. Is currently dating Tinkerbell, who is actually only dating him so that people won't think that she's chasing Artemis, given the dubious and clandestine nature of her relationship with the last human boy to discover the existence of fairies, Peter Pan.

### Opal Koboi

Believes herself to be the supreme ruler of Earth. Just your average politician.

### Jon Spiro

Jon Spiro is a businessman who has rubbed out competitors, manipulated the stock market, embezzles liberally, and built up a shadowy trust in the background which secretly controls a large section of American industry...so in other other words, he is a straight shooter and on the up-and-up, by American standards. Artemis takes him down by using his 1337 haxx0r skillz to frame him for many of Artemis' own illegal deeds. Spiro is now serving sixteen consecutive life-sentences without the possibility of parole, while protesters demand that he be put to death.

### Ark Sool

Replaces Root after he walks into a trap (again) and doesn't walk out again, he quickly (and wisely) fires Holly for being in league with Artemis Fowl. Holly then runs to Artemis, who puts a hit out on Sool's head. He is later fired for racial slurs about demons, and, like everyone in Ireland, quickly falls into the bottle. In spite of his new non-threatening status, Artemis does not recall the hit, because he's lazy and has that kind of money to piss away.

### Leon Abbot

Leon Abbot, in full makeup. His horns are hiden under the hood.

The demon N'zull changed his name to this because his old name was an unflattering phallic reference in Demonic. He gains magical powers by canibalistically eating an imp, and declares himself the ruler of demons. Demons are not a very bright breed, so they fall for his lies about having a plan for destroying the evil ape overlords of the Earth.

“How are we going to kill the humans, you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, what we're going to do is...erm...um...I...OHMYGODLOOK! A monkey!”

~ Leon Abbot on laying waste to humanity

### Billy Kong

Billy Kong was raised in a circus, and he apparently lost an eye in a fight with a tiger (despite appearances to the contrary). Little else is known about him, except that he's a professional demon hunter, and has some sort of grudge against them for some reason. He's arrested in Taiwan for killing eurgs without a permit, and serves 20 hours of community service. In spite of rumors to the contrary, he is not related to King Kong.

As a child, he was known as "Jonah Lee", because that was the name on his fake ID.

She became a child genius in order to copy Artemis, and then captured a demon by sheer luck. She decided to keep it imprisoned on display in her prison family's garden as a conversation piece. It later realized that a bit of silver lodged in its arm that incompetent human faith healers "doctors" failed to remove had been what caused it to remain in this spacetime. It quickly removed the shard, and fell randomly thorugh spacetime until it returned to its home with a new-found hatred of human beings, renaming itself Leon Abbot. Minerva quickly realized that she hadn't of been exploiting the creature properly, and vowed to capture another one and remedy her error. She captured N°1 and unlawfully imprisoned him, because she wanted to win the Nobel Prize. Her plan was then thwarted by Artemis. While Artemis did accidentially rescue N°1 in the process, and that can be considered to be good, when he had her data on demons deleted, he also ended up deleting her research into a cure for AIDS.

### Kitler

The evilest cat in the universe...

Kitler was Artemis Fowl's greatest foe ever. Kitler recruited an army of goblins and grues and waged an attack on the "Lower Elements", where the fairies live. It was up to Artemis Fowl, who rather suspiciously teams up with the fairy authorities an awful lot for a villian, to save them. Instead of using his money to hire an army of ninjas, as he could have done, Artemis decided to face Kitler himself. Many dogs and Mews were killed in the ensuing battle, and Artemis nearly lost his life, but then the Non-Huffable Kitten appeared, saving them all.

### Inspector Zenigata

A police inspector working for Interpol, he, like his subterranean companion, Julius Root, made it his mission in life to capture Artemis Fowl II...or Arsène Lupin III. One or the other. Preferably both. Whether he is a very clever and crafty adversary (according to him) or an incompetent fuckup (according to Lupin) is up for grabs, but he does have the amazing ability to handcuff an opponent at a hundred paces.

“Ha-ha. Better luck next time, Pops!”

~ Artemis Fowl on Inspector Zenigata's inability to catch him

### Harry Potter

Harry really hates Artemis

Main Article: Harry Potter (character)

According to Artemis, Harry James Potter is a douchebag of a mediocre wizard who was lucky enough to undeservedly have seven whole books written about him, and Harry doesn't like Artemis, either. Their animosity began several years ago when Lord Voldemort, a lacky of Artemis, tried to assassinate Harry and failed--miserably! Because of his own incompetance, Voldemort died, and Harry was promoted to godlike status in the wizarding world, much to Artemis' annoyance. Artemis was willing to brush it off as a bad day, but the so-called wizard, who for some reason was offended by the fact that Artemis had tried to kill him, kept anklebiting him.

The feud soon escalated to everything from sicking grues on one another to crank phonecalls, until war broke out. Countless millions died, including Lord Voldemort--again. Finally, Artemis ran out of Death Eaters and just sent Butler with a burlap sack to kidnap Harry Potter. After kidnapping Harry, Artemis beat him within an inch of his life, stole his wand, and broke it, thus by acquiring his magical powers, which he of course used to kill more people and steal more stuff. His parents are extremely proud.

### Artemis Fowl (again?)

“To hell with the paradox--I'm going to kill that sandy little bastard!”

~ older Artemis Fowl on younger Artemis Fowl

“Hmm...in retrospect, this might not have been such a good idea.”

~ older Artemis Fowl on killing younger Artemis Fowl

“God--how come I'm not that badass anymore?”

~ older Artemis Fowl on watching younger Artemis Fowl use sulferic acid to burn a man's dick off

As if he needed to be more of a threat to the civilized world, Artemis Fowl gained the ability to travel through time after stealing Harry Potter's magic and using it to kill Marty McFly and Doc Brown, which he then used to sick his loyal minion Lord Voldemort on Harry Potter, which was the event which started the Artemis Fowl/Harry Potter feud in the first place...time paradoxes make my head hurt!

Anyway, he also decided to go back in time to rescue a lemur that he sold to Extinctionists so that he can sell it to the same exact Extinctionists again for twice the profit, and that's where he runs a-fowl of his younger self. Artemis ends up killing his younger self, then realizing that that would cause him to have never existed, and so goes back again to kill his older self before he could kill his younger self, which fixes it somehow and allows him to cheat death.

### Less-Prominent Enemies of Artemis Fowl

This is where Artemis Fowl's enemies live. Well, most of them.

## Neutral Characters

### Foaly

A centaur who works with the LEP and is a good friend of Holly's. When she becomes Artemis' creature, he is torn about where his loyalties lie. Gets framed for stuff by Opal Koboi for his trouble, but is later accidentially cleared when Artemis crushes her ruthlessly.

She changes her alignment in order to become a possible love interest for Artemis. What a twist! Apparently, 'evil' is a major turn-on of hers. She needs to fuck off soon before she is mercilessly beaten by Holly fangirls of Artemis Fowl.

### The Absolutely Useless Parental Units

Artemis Fowl the First (who prefers "Artemis Fowl, Sr.") and Angeline Fowl have no fucking idea what their child is doing with all of his wealth and free time. Artemis II could almost be the hero of a series of children's or young teens' novels, if he didn't also happen to be a ruthless, bloodthirsty criminal with a larger body count than Al Capone.

### The Twins

Artemis had two little brothers named Jonathan and Finian, but he murdered and ate them. Worried that his parents would freak out he kidnapped two other children, and would have used fairy magic (which he stole; how?--that's just how good of a criminal he is), but as it turned out, he didn't have to, as they were idiots. His new little brothers are named Myles and Beckett.[3]

## Places Frequented by Artemis Fowl

### Fowl Manor

Artemis' home/evil lair, this is where Artemis lives and plots his criminal activities. It is completely impregnable, unless you happen to be a kleptomaniac dwarf who gave up has magic so that he'd be able to enter human dwellings and steal stuff. But what are the chances of one of those happening by?

### The Earth's Mantle/The "Lower Elements"

Many millennia ago, stone-aged humans drove superadvanced fairies with magical powers from the face of the Earth. They were able to accomplish this because fairies make the French look like warmongers. The fairies were driven into the mantle, where they quickly burnt to cinders because those idiots forgot that it was a million degrees down there. Thanks to intervention from the Anti-Grue, however, they survived, and managed to build a civilization in a series of surprisingly temperate tunnels set up for them. However, many of these tunnels were infested with grues when no one was looking.

...Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty! Well, for elves, goblins, trolls, grues, and god knows whatever else, that is. It is the fairies' haven from the near-molten temperatures of the Earth's Mantle, hence its nickname of "Haven." This is where Holly lives, where the headquarters of the LEP is, and where they keep the secret artifact that would create a dimensional gate between Stonehenge, Atlantis, and the Fountain of Youth under lock and key. The LEP took him down to Paradise City because the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

### LEP HQ

The headquarters of the Lower Elements Police (if you didn't know that that's what LEP stands for, you're not a fan) is the place of employment for Holly, Root, Foally, and most of the rest of the characters who are dedicated to law and order, except for Zenigata. This place is located in Paradise City, which is why Opal decides to destroy the city with a thousand tons of molten iron. She uses a more conventional weapon when she attempts to murder Artemis Fowl: a tactical nuke.

### Holly's Apartment

In the Words of AC/DC: Holly shook Artemis...all...night...long!!![4]

## Artemis Fowl's Political Beliefs

Artemis Fowl has been known to have very strong political beliefs. In a recent statement, he said that "Bitch, I'm not a long haired Obama voting Liberal, but neither am I a Hitler loving smelly Conservative." In a later statement, he announced that he had a neutral political stance on most topics. He released a book, co worked on by Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow, named: "We can all agree that some American's are obviously retarded." The book reading (by Glenn Beck) is available on Itunes for \$19.99.

## The Books

Artemis Fowl, under his not-so-clever pen-name of Fartemis Owl[5], has written a series of biographies, because he thinks he's better than us. The publisher, in an attempt to disguise better the identity of the true author, changed the name to Eoin Colfer, but this attempt failed because the books are all about Artemis. Artemis later turned fifteen and reached a point of maturity where he realizes that fart jokes aren't funny (an accomplishment many men never achieve in their entire adult lives), and decides to run with Colfer, but it was way to late for the editor who first suggested it, whom Artemis had had killed in a fit of rage ofter the whole Fartemis Owl thing.

• Book 1: How to Gain Followers through Stockholm Syndrome
• Exactly what it sounds like.
• Book 2: The War in the North
• In which our (cough) "hero" teams up with the good guys to increase his "street cred," in the process defeating Cudgeon and Opal Koboi.
• Book 3: The Code of Eternity...Eternity...Eternity...Eternity...Eternity...Eternity...Eternity...
• Artemis, when up against the wall, uses super-advanced fairy technology (man, there are four words I never expected to say in succession!) to frame Jon Spiro for his crimes.
• The fairies see an opportunity here, and agree to allow him to get away with this, in return for him allowing them to wipe his memory of them, thus by getting him out of their hair forever...or so they think...
• Book 4: Opal's Back, Bitches!
• Opal Koboi returns, and is out for revenge. Surprise!
• Artemis regains his memories. Surprise!
• Artemis and his brainwashed loveslave Holly defeat Opal, who is sent back to jail. Surprise!
• Book 5: Demons and Psychos and Love Interests, Oh My!
• In which we see the introduction of new character and possible love interest (yeah the fuck right!), Minerva Paradizo. Also N°1, who is a demon, even though that is an odd choice of species for a character meant to be the comic relief and Qwan the Asian wizard.
• Book 6: Fuck Spacetime
• Artemis Fowl finds Marty Mcfly and Doc, kills them to ensure that there is never another Back to the Future movie and steals their Delorean.
• He also decided to go back in time to rescue a lemur that he sold to Extinctionists so that he can sell it to the same exact Extinctionists again for twice the profit.
• He spends the rest of the book fucking with the history of human evolution until he sucessfully managed to create catgirls.

### The Codes

on the bottom of all of the books is what appears to be a children's doodle, but is, in fact, a secret message that Artemis Fowl uses to brainwash the readers of his book. The messages are as follows:

BOOK 1: Send all of your money to Artemis Fowl. Send all of your money to Artemis Fowl. Send all of your money to Artemis Fowl...

BOOK 2: Go into the bathroom and look under the sink. Drink whatever you may find in there. It is delicious, and good for you, too. If you mix them all together, you can feel the concoction burn it's way down your throat!

BOOK 3: Marajuana does not cause your sperm count to drop. That is a lie told to you by The Man in order to "scare you straight," so toke it up, boys and girls! Speaking of things that aren't straight, I do in fact know Oscar Wilde...

BOOK 4: You will read S-Michael's fanfiction. If you don't, I will send a troll to rend your entire family limb from limb in the most frightful way possible...

Book 5: Vote for Bush. In spite of what logic and common sense may tell you, Supply-Side-Economics makes sense, and is not the most retarded thing ever! Gay marriage must be stopped! And, um, whatever else you retards will believe...no, don't write that down!...

Book 6: From the Desk of Opal Koboi: Dear Artemis, I am writing you in confidence, so you'd better not be an asshole and do something like make this letter one of the codes in those stupid books of yours. It occurs to me that as I'm an evil genius who wants to rule the world and you're an evil genius who wants to rule the world, we ought to join forces. Also, I find you increadibly, incredibly hot...

## Fucking with the Space-Time Continuum

Yeah, this deserves another look, considering the fact that Artemis, in his utter arrogance, has started playing with ALL OF EXISTENCE like it was his personal fucking play-thing. Artemis' first foray into the fragile bonds holding together the universe was when he and N°1 bring the demons out of limbo, accidentially sinking Atlantis in the process. The demons, homeless, moved to america, where they became Republican core voters, electing Reagan, Bush, and Bush Lite. Leon Abbot was also killed in the transition, but this was NOT an accident.

Artemis later goes back in time to retrieve an extinct golden lemur with which to cure his mother's cancer that she got from exposure to pixie dust--"magic" is a highly radioactive substance. During this adventure, he is forced to kill his younger self, who is also after the golden lemur for the purposes of melting it down and selling it as a chemical weapon to Sadam Huisane so that he could beat the great satan, but manages to fix this paradox by going back in time again and killing his other older self before he could kill his younger self, thus by saving his younger self's life. Butler is also killed, but then Artemis goes back to save him, but then he dies again. Butler dies no less than forty-seven times over the couse of this adventure, and it is unknown whether Artemis eventually gave up the ghost, but he did eventually decided that the Space-Time Continuum was fucking with him, and so he decided to fick with it back by sending a million warheads back in time and nuking the dinosaurs.

In order to protect various business assets of his, Artemis went back in tome to sack Rome, bribe Judas, give bad directions to Moses, and use a rocket launcher to take out the ship of Hung-Che, the would-be chineese discoverer of America.

## Pairingz on teh Interwebz

### Holly/Artemis

Couple Name: Hartymis Guys who'd really like to nail Holly. 9/10

The fact that Holly has Stockholm syndrome makes this possible, and indeed likely, but they had better get through with it quick, before it reaches the point where the size difference between them is just too great for it to be physically likely. Recent developments made Holly about 1-2 feet taller so she could make out with Artemis without flying, doing an elfin high jump or waiting for Artemis to get knocked down to the ground. What powerful magician (or talented surgeon) could have made her taller in spite of a discontinuity error in AF universe? Eoin Colfer of course!

### Juliet/Artemis

Couple Name: Juliart Guys who'd really like to nail Juliet, but are afraid of Butler. 7.5/10

There's no way we would know anything, even if it did happen, as they'd have to keep it secret or else Butler would kill Artemis for this.

### Holly/Foaly

Couple Name: Hoaly Furries 3/10 A three????? What the fuck do you need to do to get a zero???

In Mexico, this is known as a Donkey Show.

### Butler/Artemis

Couple Name: Bartemis Yaoi fangirls and gays. 7.3/10

Not on your life, fangirls. You know who you are.

### Foaly/Cabaline

Couple Name: Fabaline/Coaly I honestly can't imagine... 2.3/10

I haven't mentioned Cabaline at all until now. That should tell you something. As a matter of fact, come to think of it. we never actually see Cabaline at all, do we? Foaly could be making her up, for all we know! He is an uber-nerd and part of the hax0r crowd, you know...

### Artemis/Minerva

Couple Name: Arterva? Johny-come-latelies to the series. 8/10

If you like, it could be said that if it was not for this pairing, then the Artemis/Holly pairing in fanfiction would have no real competition. Well, that may be just my opinion, and you can disagree with it if you like, but what really burns me in all of this, however, is that people sure can make one HELL of a big deal about it. I mean, come ON, IT'S JUST FICTION, PEOPLE!!!!!

### Artemis Sr./Angeline

Couple Name: None. None. -/10

This is, by far, the most hated pairing in the series, and fanfic writers who ship them have been known to be found burned alive.

### Artemis/Opal

Couple Name: Arpal People who don't know not to play with templates they don't understand. 0/10 (she's too good, er, evil for him)

Doubtful given that Opal is a man-hating ten thousand year old misandrist pixie and Artemis is a sex-phobic, 14 year-old homosexual human.

### Artemis/Artemis

Couple Name: Artemis Artemis Fowl 15/10 This is the canon couple.

This is the canon couple. What did you expect? You know how self-centered he is...

Thanks to the power of time travel, he can now finally consumate his self-love, but unfortunately for fans of this couple, this has also allowed Artemis to realize what a fucking jerk Artemis is, and so this pairing ended in trajedy and a space-time paradox that would make skynet asplode. Well, at least now he can finaly nod sagely and say "Been there, done that," when Harry Potter tells him to go fuck himself.

During their brief time together, Artemis got Artemis pregnant, and this is how Satan was born.

## Trivia

• Like every other person born in Europe, Artemis Fowl hates America (thus explaining the secret message in book 5).
• During the Human vs. Kitten War, Artemis supplied arms to the humans...but also smuggled arms to the kittens, as well.
• Artemis Fowl didn't go through puberty until he was fifteen--everybody point and laugh!!!!!
• People who point and laugh at Artemis Fowl for any reason tend to die mysteriously. It was nice knowing you folks.
• Artemis Fowl once bitch-slapped Donald Trump.
• Had a five way with Holly, Juliet, Minerva and Opal.
• Artemis Fowl hates Harry Potter with a passion, and once kidnapped him and beat his ass.