- Some believe Arthur Schopenhauer is nothing but a dead, deprived philosopher who has nothing better to do than to talk bad about his colleagues; the truth, however, is much worse.
“Fucking cunt played the flute didn't he?!”
Arthur Schopenhauer was not a philosopher: he only posed as one. He was a Firefox programmer. He was dubbed a philosopher only after he refused the position of Chief Evangelist at Google, position later assigned to Vinton Cerf (this latter a philosopher indeed).
Arthur Schopenhauer was born February 22, 9052 AG in a fremen sietch on the planet Arrakis, with its moons Fichte and Schelling, in the NGC 3982 galaxy. His village was called Thing-in-Itself. The civilization was well known for its pessimism and fatalism, due to an incoming comet that was predicted to hit the planet and its moons in 7 trillion years, though they did not practise asceticism. He was forced to eat food through his whole life, and forced to drink water from River Itself. But one day, after being ostracized from his small village for pushing a woman down a set of stairs, Schopenhauer was so drained of his will-to-live that his denial led to his starvation a week later, in September 21, 1860251932. His body was later eaten by snakes. He was resurrected by the Cinderella's´s Fairies and decided to voyage to Earth in a Spacing Guild Heighliner.
The first adventures of Schopenschnitzel was as a sugar cane producer on Brazil, Earth (well, I think). After making its first distillery, he shut-down due to the incredible low prices of ethanol after pro-alcohol shut-down (the petty attempt of the Brazilian Dog Government to make cane based cars).
He had ten wives, and one bastard soon founded a city named Arthur Schopenhauer for the family live, due to the incredible low prices of the Brazilian lands during the colonial period. Since Schopenhauer was too hard for them to pronounce, and it feels like knives and rats falling on your head, they called it Nogueira. The Aimore antropofagic indian tribe soon attacked the family of Schopenhauer and the city was abandoned.
Schopenhauer lost himself in the Brazilian wilderness, and found the miraculous land of El Dorado. In El Dorado, he received from the king a gold lamb, which made him rich when returning to Germany. People say the adventure of Candide, as written by Voltaire, was the true experience of Schopenhauer.
Going back to Germany, (Earth yet), Schopenhauer married, but his wife cheated on him with the philosopher Hegel. This is the root of the ancient hate Schopenhauer had to Hegel.
Much admired by Nietzsche, he wrote on his behalf a book titled Microsoft Windows As Will And Representation which caused the unremitting rage of Steve Ballmer that my illustrious colleague has so justly reported at the beginning of this treatise.
However inconvenient may have been by my illustrious colleague to start this essay revealing that industrial secret, it must be said that me and him have been insider traders since ever, and that we have written a book about this: The Secrets Of Insider Trading: From Schopenhauer to Steve Ballmer Bypassing That Idiot Of Nietzsche. It is arguably for this reason that our expertise in this department is so deep, that we were authorized to begin with such shocking a revelation: know how comes with its privileges and fringe benefits. Now, it is true that an entry about Schopenhauer should not talk about its editors, but the fact is: do you really believe we are speaking of Schopenhauer here? If you do, you are Schopenaurian. Schopenhauer is rated 4 stars at Tucows, since Ballamer has succeeded in taking one star away from him, and has put it onto Windows Vista (By the way Ballamer was so rageful because he said Microsoft is not a Representation, but a Vista).
Schopenhauer died due to an overdose of stimulants, while in toilet, the day he wanted to mix all patterns of human experience on a simple and logic observation. Some people say it was a simply vengeance of Hegel, that put narcotics on its chucrutte.
Now you know all it takes to take your exam about Schopenhauer.
“Now head off to Bedlam, before I knock you down some bloody stairs, you dimwit!”
“I´ll generate 10 million jobs!”
— President Lula quoting Schopenhauer´s The PT as Will and Representation
“Oh, Hegel!!! I will see you in Hell!!!”
— Schopenhauer, reportedly his last words
“Hasta la vista, baby”
— Hegel, at Schopenhauer´s funeral
“I should have founded Scientology instead!”
"Or maybe that's what people want me to say...people don't like pessimism...".
- Schopenhauer, on the above quote
“The bullshit is strong in this one!”
— Darth Vader on Schopenhauer