Artistic Chemistry

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“This is the Mona Lisa talking”

~ Al Stewart on drugs
duuuuuuuude...

Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the lab of Artistic Chemistry. I'm your guide, Rotting Willow, and I will be... guiding you through the world of chemistry from the viewpoint of those of us with souls and not from the viewpoint of those who are scientists. That's your first lesson, class: Scientists are assholes who don't appreciate the artistic vision.

Introduction[edit]

Science is more than just "equations" and "chemicals" and "the scientific method." There's more to it than that, isn't there, class? Yes, you all agree with me... in your hearts. The scientific method has to be thrown out class, this is the '60s! ...What? It isn't? Then what have I been protesting? The scientific method is for those bastards in "regular" chemistry for "chem majors." In here, we follow our spirits. "Does this chemical feel right with this one?" "Is this chemical just and true?" These are the questions I want the class to ask itself.

All of art is an introduction to something. This class is for art majors who have to have a physical science... and for scientists who have an artistic side. Now grab your beakers, or, as I call them, your children in science, and pour after me...

Experiments[edit]

Ah, this class is like Burning Man.

Now listen up, class. Although I don't assign grades or have tests, we will be required to dick around with dangerous chemicals.

Lutetium, Vanadium (LuV)[edit]

When you add Lutetium (Lu) to Vanadium (V), you get something very similar to the feeling I have for all of you. Please, let's make more love. When you are done adding these chemicals together, please take a big ol' whiff. Please.

Hydrogen, Argon, Molybdenium, Nitrogen, Yttrium[edit]

When H, Ar, Mo, N, and Y are put together, we're doing more than just adding chemicals together... we're creating peace. Now this one, I want you to lick vigorously. Really slobber all over that thing. Hey! No giggles! Let's all become one, here, okay? ...Holy crap, when did I grow a third arm??

Americium[edit]

I want you all to grab your children in science that contain Americium and tell it, in very forceful language that it is a greedy bastard. Don't be too forceful, though! Okay, I want you to feel it's pain, so please lather some on your face. Don't be shy, use the whole thing.

Wildcardium[edit]

Now please be careful with this next element. When I can't make the compound I want, I use this. It needs sunlight, water... and respect. If you do that, Wildcardium will grow into something much greater than us. The sacrificing of this element to make our chemicals is vital... and sad at the same time. I want you to know what it's like to be chopped up to be used in experiments, so from now on, I want you to use the cheese grater provided and add a little bit of yourself to each following experiment.

Phosphorus, Wildcardium2 (E2), Actinium[edit]

When I add P, E, Ac, and E, we get a combination that means a lot to me. I luv this chemical. I want you to feel this chemical more personally. Please use the straw provided to snort this directly up your nostrils.

Hydrogen, Wildcardium (A), Phosphorus2, Indium, Einsteinium, Sulfur[edit]

Fluorine Uranium!!

When we combine in our Children of Science the elements H, A, P2, In, Es, and S, we get a chemical that is found too infrequently nowadays. I want you to use the paper cup provided you and take a big ol' gulp of that. I know it's frothing and black but... WHOA!!! I CAN SEE JESUS'S EYES!

Carbon, Radium, Wildcardium (Z), Yttrium[edit]

HAHAHAHAHA WWWEEEEEEEE!! Lalalalala AAAAHHHHH!!!! MOMMY DON'T EAT ME!!! PLEASE LET ME BE A CHEMIST I HATE THIS COMMUNE AND THESE DAMN HIPPIES!!! I WANNA EAT MEAT AGAIN!!!

Fluorine Uranium2 Carbon Potassium Yttrium Oxygen[edit]

I hate being an artist, painting pots alone in the desert! I wanna be one of those big time chemists in those labs, busy destroying the rain forest! I HATE YOU MOTHER!! I could be making so much money right now if it weren't for you punks!! If I had the right chemicals I could kill every last one of you right here!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO INJECT THIS COMPOUND DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES, OKAY? INTO YOUR EYES!! HAHAHAHA!

I quit, right here right now. I wanna be in a lab mixing chemicals, not here with you chumps! Why else get a degree in Chemistry? I ask you! Not to be sewing dreamcatchers in the Mojave, I can tell you that right now! I want some Americium! WHERE DID I PUT THAT BEAKER? THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID BEAKER!

Ununhexium Oxygen Hydrogen[edit]

*GLUG GLUG* Wha... what's happening to me??? HAHAHA, YOU BASTARDS LAUGHED AT THE ARTISTIC CHEMISTRY TEACHER. WELL, WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW? MUAHAHAHA! DAMN, I REALLY DO HAVE A THIRD ARM! AND 6 TENTACLES THAT SPIT FIRE! THIS IS AWESOME! WHY DO I HAVE A TONGUE COMING OUT OF MY ELBOW? OH WELL, I'M SURE IT HAS ITS PURPOSE. HOLY MOSES, THIS FOURTH EYE CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE! AND THIS EXTRA THUMB IS SELF-AWARE! DRINKING CHEMICALS IS AWESOME!

WHAT? I CAN BEAT YOU ALL UP BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS? OH CRAP, DRINKING AMERICIUM MADE ME AMERICA, THE DUDE! I DIDN'T WANT THIS. IT'S... IT'S TOO HORRIBLE!

Osmium Sodium Phosphorous[edit]

DAMN YOU UNIVERSE! I'VE MADE THE DECISION TO BECOME A VILLAIN, WHICH IS PRETTY FREAKIN' AWESOME. NOTHING CAN BEAT AMERICIUM, THAT'S CRAZY TALK! WHAT, WHAT'S THAT IN THE DISTANCE?? IT'S... IT'S...

Gallium Ytterbium Oxygen Yttrium[edit]

Well welllll what have we here? Oh yeth, you with your muthcles and extra eyeth, you think you can just waltth in here to my chemithtry lab and jutht wreck up the plathe? I have newth for you, Mithter May-an!

THIS IS MY FRIGGIN' CLASSROOM, ASSWIPE! I'M THE MOST POWERFUL CHEMIST IN THE DAMNED UNIVERSE! BESIDES, I'M A FREAK! THERE'S NO CURE!

oh YOU! there's always a cure, thilly! Drink this...

Europium Francium Germanium[edit]

OOOOOh man, thanks for that. Uh class... I think that's all for today.



Oxygen Phosphorus Radium Hydrogen[edit]

That billionaire media mogul nigger bitch from Chicago.

Phosphorus Argon Iodine Sulfur[edit]

Stay away from that fucking slut in the world!

Lithium Neodymium Silicon[edit]

A drunk whore who appeared from Parent Trap to I Know Who Killed Me.

Bromine Iodine Titanium Nickel[edit]

That pop-princess is still alive and there's no escaping her.

Art Movements
Renaissance · Realism · Impressionism
Abstract · Abstract expressionism · Dada · Pop art · Futurism · Surrealism · Minimalism · Post-Modernism · Look, It's Art · Conceptual Art · Latteism · Photorealism · First Gradeism · Graffitism · Still life · Artistic License · Art That Looks Like Nothing · Bad Art


Workbook[edit]

I made the following workbook for you. I prefer to sort it by feelings, but you can do whatever you want in this class.

Name Symbol Yes, but... how does it make you feel?
Wildcardium Any letter I want. I use this element, that I grew myself in my garden, when I can't find a letter that I need.
Actinium Ac No matter how much of this I rubbed into my pores, I still couldn't act.
Aluminum Al As in THE aluminum???
Americium Am The official element of Texas is also the main ingredient in apple pies, baseball, moms... and greedy capitalists.
Antimony Sb Without looking, what's the symbol for Antimony? "An"? Maaaybe "Ay", but "Sb"?
Argon Ar "Where are the cookies, ma-ma?" "Th-argon!" Get it? ...Could you explain it to me?
Arsenic As My plan was foiled, all because the vicar forgot to take his evening tea!
Astatine At
Barium Ba I hear the barium exam is pretty tough. That's why I'm an artist.
Berkelium Bk I considered naming my son Berkelium. True story.
Beryllium Be
Bismuth Bi
Bohrium Bh This is one of those boring chemicals, like Boron and Stupidium.
Boron B "Borons ain't for Morons"! It could be the new "It's What's For Dinner"!
Bromine Br What's up bro? Dude, bro! ...That's all I got.
Cadmium Cd The Cadmium Consideration Advisory Council advises you to consider Cadmium.
Cesium Cs "My lord, the prisoners have escaped!" "Cesium!"
Calcium Ca Got milk? You do? ...Okay. I'll go then. That's fine. No, don't get up, I'll let myself out.
Californium Cf Waves up... my homies!
Carbon C
Cerium Ce
Chlorine Cl That's the stuff in pool water that makes you throw up if you drink it...but somehow manages to make it taste reeally, reeeeally goooood...
Chromium Cr Shiny!
Cobalt Co
Copper Cu You'll never take me alive, copper!
Curium Cm This element, decievingly enough, doesn't cure anything.
Darmstadtium Ds Did they run out of stupid element names? Now I'm curious. How exactly do we use Darm... whatever it is in daily life?
Dubnium Db It's dubious that it's been discovered.
Dysprosium Dy
Einsteinium Es Named after Isaac Newton.
Erbium Er Named after my favorite herb.
Europium Eu The Eiffel Tower, Napolean, and Volvos are all constructed out of this basic, socialist element that thinks it's better than you.
Fermium Fm "FIRM"-ium? Viagra and Bowflex biproducts?
Fluorine F That dollar store on the corner sells toothpaste without Fluorine for 50 cents.
Francium Fr In a test tube with Germanium, the Francium quickly retreats.
Gadolinium Gd
Gallium Ga Is she just a gal about town?
Germanium Ge This element is the bad boy of chemistry: constantly misunderstood.
Gold Au I believe this element is overrated, and so does my commune, even though this pretty rock is the standard by which we measure all money.
Hafnium Hf Only half of it exists.
Hassium Hs Named after David Hasselhoff.
Helium He My voice (and choice of words) sound high without this.
Holmium Ho 'sup holmes? I mean holmies?
Hydrogen H
Indium In General Custer got killed by a group of Indiums. But the politically correct term nowadays is "Native Americum."
Iodine I Iodine can't heal the scars in our souls.
Iridium Ir
Iron Fe
Krypton Kr Lex, put that down!
Lanthanum La
Lawrencium Lr Lawrencium, named after my artistic hero, Lawrence Welk.
Lead Pb Recently renamed "Barbie-um"
Lithium Li The Emo-kid told me to have some. It makes my insides tingle with happiness.
Lutetium Lu
Magnesium Mg Magnesium: When you've got to have it!
Manganese Mn Manganese: When you've got to have Magnesium but can't find any!
Meitnerium Mt Sure, you've been to the colluseum, but have you been to the Meitnerium?
Mendelevium Md The stuff they use for mending elevators. SRSLY.
Mercury Hg That's the stuff in your thermometer that looks like fruit punch, but does NOT taste like it! Actually...*slurp*...
Molybdenum Mo
Neodymium Nd
Neon Ne Those lights will lead you to the city, my friend.
Neptunium Np Ran out of gods to name elements after, huh?
Nickel Ni Hey a dime's a dime. Or whatever.
Niobium Nb
Nitrogen N Named after Nitroglycerine
Nobelium No The only element to ever win the Nobel Prize.
Osmium Os Named after Ozzy Osbourne. Keep this element away from live bats.
Oxygen O Real men breathe oxygen.
Palladium Pd (Palladium on Oxygen) In my day, real men breathed me...
Phosphorus P
Platinum Pt For the Platypus in you...
Plutonium Pu Neither Pluto nor this element are planets. Sorry for the confusion.
Polonium Po Found in Polos
Potassium K Found in bananananas.
Praseodymium Pr Found in....pears?
Promethium Pm This is the main ingredient in the Promethius Serum.
Protactinium Pa Don't feel sad, Protactinium, I'm here for ya. I'll always be here.
Radium Ra Radium isn't rad, kids. Don't snort Radium.
Radon Rn Radon is rad, though. Snort away.
Rhenium Is known for producing soundwaves between Do and Me|
Rhodium Rh (Rhodium on Roentgenium): Holy crap, I didn't see that one coming.
Roentgenium Rg This is the stuff that my underpants are covered in!!! Oh wait...that's semen...I'm always getting those two mixed up...
Rubidium Rb "Rub-a-dub dubium, three chemicals in a tubium..."
Ruthenium Ru My uncle Ruth's favorite down-home element. Don't ask.
Rutherfordium Rf Don't get any on your clothes. Nothing gets out Rutherfordium.
Samarium Sm The favorite element of Samurai Jack!
Scandium Sc Named after Scandinavia. Don't ask me how they figured that one out.
Seaborgium Sg "I see seaborgs! That means we're close to land!"
Selenium Se Isn't there a porn star named "selenium"? Or is her name Debbie?
Silicon Si These chips taste like crap.
Silver Ag The same thing my favorite bong is made out of!! Wait...did I just say that out loud?
Sodium Na When properly combined with the right seasoning chemicals, tastes great on cereal!
Strontium Sr As in THE Strontium???
Sulfur S They've started making cigarrettes that contain sulfur. Sulfur smells gooood...
Tantalum Ta I can get most of my daily allowance of Tantalum from hanging around the dump and huffing expired light bulb filaments.
Technetium Tc Named after technitians. Often shortened to "Nerdium."
Tellurium Te Named after bank tellers. Often shortened to "$ium"
Terbium Tb What? Turdium? Isn't that the element I keep stepping on in the park? Or is that Disgarded Heroin Syring-ium?
Thallium Tl
Thorium Th Thor was a nice guy, right? So it's okay if I make fun of his element?
Thulium Tm
Tin Sn "Tin" looks like a pussy next to "Ununhexium". A real pussy.
Titanium Ti Dude... did the periodic table of elements just say "tits"?
Tungsten W (Tungsten on Titanium): You popular chemicals have all the fun.
Ununbium Uub The official chemical of Uncyclopedia.
Ununhexium Uuh No, wait, this is the official chemical of Uncyclopedia.
Ununoctium Uuo The man doesn't want you to know about this one.
Ununpentium Uup This tastes funny.
Ununquadium Uuq I lost 20 pounds with this element!
Ununtrium Uut My hair has grown back!
Uranium U [ANUS JOKE DELETED FOR THE SAKE OF THE READER]
Vanadium V (Vanadium on Uranium): You popular chemicals get a lot of ass, apparently. What? You didn't see that coming?
Xenon Xe Yes, I know it's a retarded name.
Ytterbium Yb That was my nickname in softball. My teammates were pretty nerdy.
Yttrium Y I met Yttrium on the way to work. He says hi.
Zinc Zn "Where should I wash my hands?" "The Zinc!" HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? No? It's pretty subtle...
Zirconium Zr "OOH Lookie lookie, Shiny!"