|THIS ARTICLE IS FREAKING|
“This is the Mona Lisa talking”
Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the lab of Artistic Chemistry. I'm your guide, Rotting Willow, and I will be... guiding you through the world of chemistry from the viewpoint of those of us with souls and not from the viewpoint of those who are scientists. That's your first lesson, class: Scientists are assholes who don't appreciate the artistic vision.
- 1 Introduction
- 2 Experiments
- 2.1 Lutetium, Vanadium (LuV)
- 2.2 Hydrogen, Argon, Molybdenium, Nitrogen, Yttrium
- 2.3 Americium
- 2.4 Wildcardium
- 2.5 Phosphorus, Wildcardium2 (E2), Actinium
- 2.6 Hydrogen, Wildcardium (A), Phosphorus2, Indium, Einsteinium, Sulfur
- 2.7 Carbon, Radium, Wildcardium (Z), Yttrium
- 2.8 Fluorine Uranium2 Carbon Potassium Yttrium Oxygen
- 2.9 Ununhexium Oxygen Hydrogen
- 2.10 Osmium Sodium Phosphorous
- 2.11 Gallium Ytterbium Oxygen Yttrium
- 2.12 Europium Francium Germanium
- 2.13 Oxygen Phosphorus Radium Hydrogen
- 2.14 Phosphorus Argon Iodine Sulfur
- 2.15 Lithium Neodymium Silicon
- 2.16 Bromine Iodine Titanium Nickel
- 3 Workbook
Science is more than just "equations" and "chemicals" and "the scientific method." There's more to it than that, isn't there, class? Yes, you all agree with me... in your hearts. The scientific method has to be thrown out class, this is the '60s! ...What? It isn't? Then what have I been protesting? The scientific method is for those bastards in "regular" chemistry for "chem majors." In here, we follow our spirits. "Does this chemical feel right with this one?" "Is this chemical just and true?" These are the questions I want the class to ask itself.
All of art is an introduction to something. This class is for art majors who have to have a physical science... and for scientists who have an artistic side. Now grab your beakers, or, as I call them, your children in science, and pour after me...
Now listen up, class. Although I don't assign grades or have tests, we will be required to dick around with dangerous chemicals.
Lutetium, Vanadium (LuV)
When you add Lutetium (Lu) to Vanadium (V), you get something very similar to the feeling I have for all of you. Please, let's make more love. When you are done adding these chemicals together, please take a big ol' whiff. Please.
Hydrogen, Argon, Molybdenium, Nitrogen, Yttrium
When H, Ar, Mo, N, and Y are put together, we're doing more than just adding chemicals together... we're creating peace. Now this one, I want you to lick vigorously. Really slobber all over that thing. Hey! No giggles! Let's all become one, here, okay? ...Holy crap, when did I grow a third arm??
I want you all to grab your children in science that contain Americium and tell it, in very forceful language that it is a greedy bastard. Don't be too forceful, though! Okay, I want you to feel it's pain, so please lather some on your face. Don't be shy, use the whole thing.
Now please be careful with this next element. When I can't make the compound I want, I use this. It needs sunlight, water... and respect. If you do that, Wildcardium will grow into something much greater than us. The sacrificing of this element to make our chemicals is vital... and sad at the same time. I want you to know what it's like to be chopped up to be used in experiments, so from now on, I want you to use the cheese grater provided and add a little bit of yourself to each following experiment.
Phosphorus, Wildcardium2 (E2), Actinium
When I add P, E, Ac, and E, we get a combination that means a lot to me. I luv this chemical. I want you to feel this chemical more personally. Please use the straw provided to snort this directly up your nostrils.
Hydrogen, Wildcardium (A), Phosphorus2, Indium, Einsteinium, Sulfur
When we combine in our Children of Science the elements H, A, P2, In, Es, and S, we get a chemical that is found too infrequently nowadays. I want you to use the paper cup provided you and take a big ol' gulp of that. I know it's frothing and black but... WHOA!!! I CAN SEE JESUS'S EYES!
Carbon, Radium, Wildcardium (Z), Yttrium
HAHAHAHAHA WWWEEEEEEEE!! Lalalalala AAAAHHHHH!!!! MOMMY DON'T EAT ME!!! PLEASE LET ME BE A CHEMIST I HATE THIS COMMUNE AND THESE DAMN HIPPIES!!! I WANNA EAT MEAT AGAIN!!!
Fluorine Uranium2 Carbon Potassium Yttrium Oxygen
I hate being an artist, painting pots alone in the desert! I wanna be one of those big time chemists in those labs, busy destroying the rain forest! I HATE YOU MOTHER!! I could be making so much money right now if it weren't for you punks!! If I had the right chemicals I could kill every last one of you right here!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO INJECT THIS COMPOUND DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES, OKAY? INTO YOUR EYES!! HAHAHAHA!
I quit, right here right now. I wanna be in a lab mixing chemicals, not here with you chumps! Why else get a degree in Chemistry? I ask you! Not to be sewing dreamcatchers in the Mojave, I can tell you that right now! I want some Americium! WHERE DID I PUT THAT BEAKER? THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID BEAKER!
Ununhexium Oxygen Hydrogen
*GLUG GLUG* Wha... what's happening to me??? HAHAHA, YOU BASTARDS LAUGHED AT THE ARTISTIC CHEMISTRY TEACHER. WELL, WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW? MUAHAHAHA! DAMN, I REALLY DO HAVE A THIRD ARM! AND 6 TENTACLES THAT SPIT FIRE! THIS IS AWESOME! WHY DO I HAVE A TONGUE COMING OUT OF MY ELBOW? OH WELL, I'M SURE IT HAS ITS PURPOSE. HOLY MOSES, THIS FOURTH EYE CAN SEE INTO THE FUTURE! AND THIS EXTRA THUMB IS SELF-AWARE! DRINKING CHEMICALS IS AWESOME!
WHAT? I CAN BEAT YOU ALL UP BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS? OH CRAP, DRINKING AMERICIUM MADE ME AMERICA, THE DUDE! I DIDN'T WANT THIS. IT'S... IT'S TOO HORRIBLE!
Osmium Sodium Phosphorous
DAMN YOU UNIVERSE! I'VE MADE THE DECISION TO BECOME A VILLAIN, WHICH IS PRETTY FREAKIN' AWESOME. NOTHING CAN BEAT AMERICIUM, THAT'S CRAZY TALK! WHAT, WHAT'S THAT IN THE DISTANCE?? IT'S... IT'S...
Gallium Ytterbium Oxygen Yttrium
Well welllll what have we here? Oh yeth, you with your muthcles and extra eyeth, you think you can just waltth in here to my chemithtry lab and jutht wreck up the plathe? I have newth for you, Mithter May-an!
THIS IS MY FRIGGIN' CLASSROOM, ASSWIPE! I'M THE MOST POWERFUL CHEMIST IN THE DAMNED UNIVERSE! BESIDES, I'M A FREAK! THERE'S NO CURE!
oh YOU! there's always a cure, thilly! Drink this...
Europium Francium Germanium
OOOOOh man, thanks for that. Uh class... I think that's all for today.
That billionaire media mogul nigger bitch from Chicago.
Stay away from that fucking slut in the world!
A drunk whore who appeared from Parent Trap to I Know Who Killed Me.
That pop-princess is still alive and there's no escaping her.
I made the following workbook for you. I prefer to sort it by feelings, but you can do whatever you want in this class.
|Name||Symbol||Yes, but... how does it make you feel?|
|Wildcardium||Any letter I want.||I use this element, that I grew myself in my garden, when I can't find a letter that I need.|
|Actinium||Ac||No matter how much of this I rubbed into my pores, I still couldn't act.|
|Aluminum||Al||As in THE aluminum???|
|Americium||Am||The official element of Texas is also the main ingredient in apple pies, baseball, moms... and greedy capitalists.|
|Antimony||Sb||Without looking, what's the symbol for Antimony? "An"? Maaaybe "Ay", but "Sb"?|
|Argon||Ar||"Where are the cookies, ma-ma?" "Th-argon!" Get it? ...Could you explain it to me?|
|Arsenic||As||My plan was foiled, all because the vicar forgot to take his evening tea!|
|Barium||Ba||I hear the barium exam is pretty tough. That's why I'm an artist.|
|Berkelium||Bk||I considered naming my son Berkelium. True story.|
|Bohrium||Bh||This is one of those boring chemicals, like Boron and Stupidium.|
|Boron||B||"Borons ain't for Morons"! It could be the new "It's What's For Dinner"!|
|Bromine||Br||What's up bro? Dude, bro! ...That's all I got.|
|Cadmium||Cd||The Cadmium Consideration Advisory Council advises you to consider Cadmium.|
|Cesium||Cs||"My lord, the prisoners have escaped!" "Cesium!"|
|Calcium||Ca||Got milk? You do? ...Okay. I'll go then. That's fine. No, don't get up, I'll let myself out.|
|Californium||Cf||Waves up... my homies!|
|Chlorine||Cl||That's the stuff in pool water that makes you throw up if you drink it...but somehow manages to make it taste reeally, reeeeally goooood...|
|Copper||Cu||You'll never take me alive, copper!|
|Curium||Cm||This element, decievingly enough, doesn't cure anything.|
|Darmstadtium||Ds||Did they run out of stupid element names? Now I'm curious. How exactly do we use Darm... whatever it is in daily life?|
|Dubnium||Db||It's dubious that it's been discovered.|
|Einsteinium||Es||Named after Isaac Newton.|
|Erbium||Er||Named after my favorite herb.|
|Europium||Eu||The Eiffel Tower, Napolean, and Volvos are all constructed out of this basic, socialist element that thinks it's better than you.|
|Fermium||Fm||"FIRM"-ium? Viagra and Bowflex biproducts?|
|Fluorine||F||That dollar store on the corner sells toothpaste without Fluorine for 50 cents.|
|Francium||Fr||In a test tube with Germanium, the Francium quickly retreats.|
|Gallium||Ga||Is she just a gal about town?|
|Germanium||Ge||This element is the bad boy of chemistry: constantly misunderstood.|
|Gold||Au||I believe this element is overrated, and so does my commune, even though this pretty rock is the standard by which we measure all money.|
|Hafnium||Hf||Only half of it exists.|
|Hassium||Hs||Named after David Hasselhoff.|
|Helium||He||My voice (and choice of words) sound high without this.|
|Holmium||Ho||'sup holmes? I mean holmies?|
|Indium||In||General Custer got killed by a group of Indiums. But the politically correct term nowadays is "Native Americum."|
|Iodine||I||Iodine can't heal the scars in our souls.|
|Krypton||Kr||Lex, put that down!|
|Lawrencium||Lr||Lawrencium, named after my artistic hero, Lawrence Welk.|
|Lead||Pb||Recently renamed "Barbie-um"|
|Lithium||Li||The Emo-kid told me to have some. It makes my insides tingle with happiness.|
|Magnesium||Mg||Magnesium: When you've got to have it!|
|Manganese||Mn||Manganese: When you've got to have Magnesium but can't find any!|
|Meitnerium||Mt||Sure, you've been to the colluseum, but have you been to the Meitnerium?|
|Mendelevium||Md||The stuff they use for mending elevators. SRSLY.|
|Mercury||Hg||That's the stuff in your thermometer that looks like fruit punch, but does NOT taste like it! Actually...*slurp*...|
|Neon||Ne||Those lights will lead you to the city, my friend.|
|Neptunium||Np||Ran out of gods to name elements after, huh?|
|Nickel||Ni||Hey a dime's a dime. Or whatever.|
|Nitrogen||N||Named after Nitroglycerine|
|Nobelium||No||The only element to ever win the Nobel Prize.|
|Osmium||Os||Named after Ozzy Osbourne. Keep this element away from live bats.|
|Oxygen||O||Real men breathe oxygen.|
|Palladium||Pd||(Palladium on Oxygen) In my day, real men breathed me...|
|Platinum||Pt||For the Platypus in you...|
|Plutonium||Pu||Neither Pluto nor this element are planets. Sorry for the confusion.|
|Polonium||Po||Found in Polos|
|Potassium||K||Found in bananananas.|
|Promethium||Pm||This is the main ingredient in the Promethius Serum.|
|Protactinium||Pa||Don't feel sad, Protactinium, I'm here for ya. I'll always be here.|
|Radium||Ra||Radium isn't rad, kids. Don't snort Radium.|
|Radon||Rn||Radon is rad, though. Snort away.|
|Rhenium||Is known for producing soundwaves between Do and Me||
|Rhodium||Rh||(Rhodium on Roentgenium): Holy crap, I didn't see that one coming.|
|Roentgenium||Rg||This is the stuff that my underpants are covered in!!! Oh wait...that's semen...I'm always getting those two mixed up...|
|Rubidium||Rb||"Rub-a-dub dubium, three chemicals in a tubium..."|
|Ruthenium||Ru||My uncle Ruth's favorite down-home element. Don't ask.|
|Rutherfordium||Rf||Don't get any on your clothes. Nothing gets out Rutherfordium.|
|Samarium||Sm||The favorite element of Samurai Jack!|
|Scandium||Sc||Named after Scandinavia. Don't ask me how they figured that one out.|
|Seaborgium||Sg||"I see seaborgs! That means we're close to land!"|
|Selenium||Se||Isn't there a porn star named "selenium"? Or is her name Debbie?|
|Silicon||Si||These chips taste like crap.|
|Silver||Ag||The same thing my favorite bong is made out of!! Wait...did I just say that out loud?|
|Sodium||Na||When properly combined with the right seasoning chemicals, tastes great on cereal!|
|Strontium||Sr||As in THE Strontium???|
|Sulfur||S||They've started making cigarrettes that contain sulfur. Sulfur smells gooood...|
|Tantalum||Ta||I can get most of my daily allowance of Tantalum from hanging around the dump and huffing expired light bulb filaments.|
|Technetium||Tc||Named after technitians. Often shortened to "Nerdium."|
|Tellurium||Te||Named after bank tellers. Often shortened to "$ium"|
|Terbium||Tb||What? Turdium? Isn't that the element I keep stepping on in the park? Or is that Disgarded Heroin Syring-ium?|
|Thorium||Th||Thor was a nice guy, right? So it's okay if I make fun of his element?|
|Tin||Sn||"Tin" looks like a pussy next to "Ununhexium". A real pussy.|
|Titanium||Ti||Dude... did the periodic table of elements just say "tits"?|
|Tungsten||W||(Tungsten on Titanium): You popular chemicals have all the fun.|
|Ununbium||Uub||The official chemical of Uncyclopedia.|
|Ununhexium||Uuh||No, wait, this is the official chemical of Uncyclopedia.|
|Ununoctium||Uuo||The man doesn't want you to know about this one.|
|Ununpentium||Uup||This tastes funny.|
|Ununquadium||Uuq||I lost 20 pounds with this element!|
|Ununtrium||Uut||My hair has grown back!|
|Uranium||U||[ANUS JOKE DELETED FOR THE SAKE OF THE READER]|
|Vanadium||V||(Vanadium on Uranium): You popular chemicals get a lot of ass, apparently. What? You didn't see that coming?|
|Xenon||Xe||Yes, I know it's a retarded name.|
|Ytterbium||Yb||That was my nickname in softball. My teammates were pretty nerdy.|
|Yttrium||Y||I met Yttrium on the way to work. He says hi.|
|Zinc||Zn||"Where should I wash my hands?" "The Zinc!" HAHAHAHAHA! Get it? No? It's pretty subtle...|
|Zirconium||Zr||"OOH Lookie lookie, Shiny!"|