Artist
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“Look at me! I'm an artist! I don't have a real job and I only listen to bands you've never heard of!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Artists
“Artists make me want to f***** my ***T and believe me when i say they'd s*** on a **** and sell it to you the f***** monkey cunts.”
~ Steven Hawking on Artists
Artists (formerly known as freaks) have always lived on the outskirts of society begging for acceptance amongst the norms. Suicide rates are (understandably) high amongst these types and the moon is often their only companion. And the moon's a harsh mistress, It's hard to love her well... argghhh! did I just start going all gooey and arty then? Sort of like I was sprouting poetry? Oh my god! You're joking!...
Art has been known to drive people crazy, such as Vincent Van Gogh, who cut off his ear simply because he believed it had been stealing his work.
Artists of course, do not just paint. Many attempt to arrange noise in a fashion that inspires pleasure within the listener. This almost never works. All 'we' need is Britney, preferably drunk and without clothes (unless 'we' are chicks who prefer Brad). BUT... they simply refuse to accept that ultimate truth.
In the year 1995, artists were added to the endangered species list and are now protected by the WWF. By 2005 only one breeding pair of artists were known to be extant, and these were shot by a German trophy hunter the following year, so artists are now believed to be extinct... BUT WE STILL HAVE ADVERTISING instead of art. Ahhhh, the bliss!
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[edit] Selected Quotes
Some famous artists are as follows.....
Morrissey - Famous Poet and Mong
“To be truly sensitive, one must look at the stars and see nothing but candles held by little invisible gods lighting the way for thyself.”
Bjork - Shrill Vocal Punisher
“Sometimes i see my songs as little feet you know. They are walking away. They never stay the same.”
~ Bjork
Claude Monet - German Illusionist
“I grew a beard when i was 9. I didn't even want one but somehow it became me and eventually it began to paint.”
[edit] A Conversation
Nearly all conversations between Artists go something like this.
Artist 1 "Hey, i have something really important i need to show you." Artist 2 "Okay, i'll be over in around 10 minutes. I need to weep to this Harp solo." Artist 1 "Cool, bring a scented candle" Artist 2 "I will"
2 Hours later
Artist 2 "Sorry im late i was busy being misinterpreted by the bourgeoisie" Artist 1 "Not a problem, i feel ive made a major breakthrough in my work since i called you before" Artist 2 "You look different" Artist 1 "Thanks, ive excelled myself to untold levels" Artist 2 "Here's a scarf ive knitted you" Artist 1 "Have you ever read Master of the Nib, Servant of the Flow?" Artist 2 "Unfortunately not. Though, I do have a friend called Ethan Vapour, he paints in his sleep" Artist 1 "blah blah blah emotion" Artist 2 "blah blah blah blah blah unparalleled contours"
The End
[edit] Artist Joke
The famously unattributed 'artist joke' was invented in 2010 by Oscar Wilde who previously heard it from an old peasant woman who was squatting by the side of a country lane near Paris Hilton.
- Q: "What do you say to an Arts Graduate?"
- A: "A big Mac and fries please."
The End
[edit] Good Art and Bad Art
Many brilliant people have described, extremely accurately, what good art is.
“Good art has lots of swirly lines and makes you cry.”
“Good art has a face, an attractive face. Like Diana Ross. It's all cute and has swirly lines. ”
~ Freddie Prinze Jr.
“I violently fuck good art.”
~ Cher
“Good art is swirly and turquoise.”
“The perspective of the piece was unique in my humble opinion. That is to say it was swirly.”
[edit] Performance Art and Shit Art
These were invented by the CIA and Stalin in post-war Germany to neutralise the followers of Adolph Hitler and the Penguins.
Shit Art has been enormously successful in the Western World and has taken over from all previous art forms because it requires absolutely no talent, just the ability to write or talk shit. The highest annual prize for Shit Art in England is called the "Turder Prize". The big conspiracy is that the Turder Prize is run by Penguins who are using it as a secret KILLER-RAY device to destroy people's memories. Or was that Sport? I can't remember...
Performance Art is a sub-set of Shit Art and is practiced by pseudo-artists who can't draw any better than a 3 year old. Performance Art can take the form of - lying down, sleeping, lying down AND sleeping (complex), eating dinner, looking at passers-by, having a shit, shouting at passers-by. Shouting should take the form of something vaguely "arty", such as-
- "Some retards say this is a subjective thing but it's well known that it's entirely objective. The idea that good art is 'down to personal opinion' was perpetuated by pre-shit artists such as Beethoven and Steven Hawking. They simply refused to accept their work was sub-standard. They were fucking cowards. If i could get them, I would, believe me. Hawking in his stupid wheelchair. OOoohh he'd scream if i could just locate him."
- "Oi! You! Yeh you! You lookin' at me, jimmy?!!"
[edit] The Future Artist
In the future, art will evolve with unlimited velocity. This will be called Futurism, as it will be invented in the past by well-known artist and comedian Benito Mussolini. In the future, Sport will take over the role of Art, plasma television screens will replace paintings on walls, people will stop looking at the world and will only watch Cricket or Baseball while evolving into Couch Tomatoes.
No-one will say "I know what I like" anymore, artists will eventually be rounded up and chained into labour camps called Burger Shops. All art of the previous 2000 years will be discarded. Computers will subtly influence the creative juices of any proto-artist who will then mutate into a nerd. All art works will then only be appreciated by microchips... These events are predicted to occur by the beginning of the 21st Century.
And now for some Art. Subtext: poo, bum, shit, anal, but I'm no poofta!...
