Ash
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“Wait...I thought Ash stood for Ashley...that's a dude!?!? Aw, goddamnit...”
~ Creepers on Ash
“This kid needs some school.”
~ Scott The Destroyer on this dumb kid
“He has gotta catch'em all”
~ Captain Obvious on Ash
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DO NOT READ THIS OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!! THIS ARTICLE FUCKIN' SUCKS Warning : This article contains terminology only familiar to Pokemon fanboys. Beware. – |
Ash is a very common volcanic eruption product that stars in the hit Reality Show Pokemon. The purported name "Ash Ketchum" comes from how volcanic ash buries just about ANYTHING.
Ash "Ass" Catsup (Not to be confused with Tim Lincecum)(March 23, 1995 - June 24, 2007) often dresses in his mom's clothes pretending to be a girl called Misty. Why do ya think Brock never fell for Misty? But how come we see Ash and Misty at the same time? That Ash is merely a robot controlled by Pikachu. When You don't see Misty, that's the real Ash. He also posess a Michael Jackson Award in Long-term Postponing of Puberty. Even at the age of twenty-three, he remains physically and mentally a dumbshit ten-year-old, although--due to the handy changing of voice actors--his voice has recently grown deeper. This may be a sign of his balls finally dropping. Experts estimate that, at this rate, Ash should begin shamelessly hitting on Misty by season 38. Of course, by then, she and Brock will have started a pimping business, so he'll be out of luck. Pika-pika indeed!
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[edit] Pre-Pokemon Age
Before becoming an acclaimed actor in Pokemon, Ash did many great things. Very many.
When Ash was first given life by the cool Brotherhood (When he was baby-napped), he realized he would be different from all the other cool kids. Not only would he keep his geekism secret, a great feat as marked in "The Book of The Geeks", but he would make Japan what it is today. When the Lord Hobo handed Ash his token vest, jeans, and biking gloves, he whispered in Ash's ear, "I kick the water after dark," and Ash understood it as what it meant, and then Ash headed out of the giant ricepaper fortress and across the Ug'Kache Gate into our realm.
He returned to Pallet town after 10 years of training to be the Pokemon Master and Number One Hobo, to start his quest.
[edit] Pokemon Age
Anyone past the age of two knows the story: after 10 seasons and 850 episodes, Pokemon still hasn't lost its steam for many reasons. The show took a new turn; Pikachu (Ash) was successfully kidnapped by Team Rocket, causing Ash to commit suicide. Details are below. The show still trickles on, however, somewhere in season 11, with Brock as the new lead.
Ash was accepted into the reality show, Pokemon, at the age of ten. Like any good cool kid, he stole a bike 17 minutes into the show from Misty, who was tacked into the show. They traveled together until meeting Brock, the only cool person on the show.
[edit] Role In Pokemon
Ash, being the main character, was the role model for millions of kids. He danced around the screen, controlled by Misty aka his sister, and later Max, and later Dawn and later the dark the lord Satan. He engaged in Pokemon Battles, winning even though he called the wrong moves while everyone groaned at his stupidity. But his Pikachu, struck by God's Lighting, is so powerful it wins anyways. Oh, and Ash is the death bringer to all bikes belonging to girls, which the victim bike's owner would stalk him until he pays back for the bike and will anal probe him in his sleep every night if he doesn't.
Ash is popular and is very much well liked. Well, not really...
[edit] Family
Ash's family life was complicated and difficult. Raised by a single mother, Ash has never met his father. Many have speculated that Ash's father is the 707584 year old Professor Oak, the Pokemon researcher living suspiciously close by. Other potential fathers include, Giovanni, Satan, Lee Kuan Yew, Dave Grohl, Mr. Mime, Mrs. Ketchum (which makes us wonder who the mother is) and everyone and anything else in the world of Pokemon. The high quantity of potential father's leads one to believe that Mrs. Ketchum spent 12 years as a trainer under the service of Professor Elm of New Bark Town who owned an escort service called the "Pokemon". Ash's mother has never asked much of him. All she ever wanted was for him to change his underpants, but I guess that was too much.
His mother had disinherited him because She had caught him jerking off to Her Old Sex tapes (with a faceless person who could have been Oak. Which explains Ash's Distinct Urge to Squash and rape any and all Pokemon He sees, with the exception of Snorlax who Sat on and snapped his Pikachu...) He is seen Engaging in certain questionable activities with his partner Pikachu, He also starred in the documentry on "finger digging" as He was a expert at it (presumably from his many years of practise with Brock)
[edit] Relationships
While many think that Ash cares about Misty, he actually doesn't. Ash also thinks May is a pile of dung shaped into human form. However, he seems to have the hots for Dawn cause he thinks Dawn is actually a male crossdresser. Rumor has it that he slept with Brock from time-to-time. It is quite obvious that Ash loves Pikachu more than anything. If Pikachu was in danger, he'd do anything to save him, he'd even sacrifice his own friends to the death god Zarathustra, which he did in episode 90072, "Dawn gets raped again because she is a slut Part Seven". Its also rumored he had a torrid affair with Snorlax, until he found out he was being cheated on with Dawn. He hasn't spoken to Snorlax since.
Also, I'm going to spare your minds directly, but I'll give you one word that belongs in this section to ponder:
Latias.
Enough said.
In recient years police have found that Professor Oak had once raped and molested Ash in the basement of his lab. Ash told the police that he would, "touch him where he peed" and that Professor Oak would tell Ash to, "Put his hand down his pants and feel for his Picachu"
[edit] Pokémon
When ash turned 10 all he really wanted to do was catch pokemon and become a pokemon master but he stayed up all night making sure he had the correct number of underpants so his obbsesive mother wouldnt beat him again. By the time he fell asleep it was pat the time he was supposed to get his pokemon. Garys pedophile girlfreinds were cheering him on and Gary Spoiler got squirtle. Ash was really pissed because he wanted quirtle he ended up being given pikachu ash never moved on and still resents pikachu till this day
[edit] Death
One June 24, 2007, Ash was killed in a recent Pokemon Diamond and Pearl episode. In the episode, a rabid Igglybuff was determined to kill Pikachu, who was separated from Ash in an earlier event in the episode. At the climax, Igglybuff is about to deliver a fatal blow to Pikachu when Ash jumps in front of Pikachu and has Igglybuff's curl go through his heart. Ash, in his dying seconds manages to force a smile and a single tear drop and Ash falls dead. The Igglybuff is then killed by Pikachu afterwards. An emo funeral is attended by all of Ash's friends over the years, including Team Rocket and all sixteen of the Elite Four.
[edit] Revival and afterwards
- Main article: Latios and Latias
- Main article: Altoshipping
Latias brought Ash back to life and purified him by sacrificing two police officers who shot him after he apparently died then came back to life during his funeral and was shot as a zombie. Then Latias broke that purity by - c|NO NO NO NO DON'T GIVE US A BLOW BY BLOW DEPICTION!!!!!!! WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SICK PERVERTED STORY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[edit] Burial
He was finally buried next to Oscar Wilde and Pikachu (Ash) on Kashyyyk, 13/86/2109.
[edit] See also
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| Pokémon: | Electrode - Arceus - Charmander - Dialga - Giratina - Grue - Hyundai - Jigglypuff - Kyogre - Ling-Ling - Latios and Latias - Meowth - Mewtwo - Mudkip - Pichu - Palkia - Pikachu - Poliwag - Rayquaza - Teh Cheat - Towelie - Whangdoodle - Wobbuffet - Togepi - Pikachu (Ash) - Piplup - Manaphy - Torchic - Mew - Yoshi |
| People: | Ash - Team Rocket - Misty - Brock - Professor Oak - Nurse Joy - Max (Pokemon) - Officer Jenny - Pokemon Kid |
| Locations: | Giratinaton - Glitch City - Pokemon Island - Silph Co. - Spear Pillar |
| Other: | Pikachu seizure - Pikachusetts - Pokémon Battles - Windows FireRed/LeafGreen - Anime series - PokeBitches - 100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins - Pokemon (Show) - UnNews: Ash Dies - UnNews Pokémon Indonesia Special - Christian Symbology - FCC censorship - International Take a Pokémon to Work Day- Pokémon (the text game) - Pokemon card - UnBooks:The UnOfficial Pokédex |
