Aspen High School

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History[edit]

The first attempt at an educational institution in Aspen, Colorado, was around 3000 B.C. The name of the school was Aspen High School. This school was an attempt to train slaves and domesticated wildebeest to work the mines of Aspen, after vast quantities of lead ore was discovered buried in the mountainside. Most of the lead was shipped off to China, to be made into Legos. Eventually, everyone realized that lead is toxic, and was turning Aspen into a wasteland. Everyone left, and Aspen High School was destroyed. Then, Paul Bunyan invented skiing in the 11th century. Free of lead, Aspen was put back on the map as a ski town, and Aspen was a somewhat desirable place to live again. The first modern inhabitants were hippies and Indians, all of which were illiterate and neglected to build a school. Eventually, a school was built, but quickly destroyed in the American-Mexican War of 1993.

To pay for a new school, all of the emos, Mexicans, and blacks were rounded up, and were forced to raid Prince Bandar's castle. At this point, real estate prices were fucking insane, so the school was rebuilt completely underground. Conveniently, AHS doubles as a nuclear missile silo, which is currently active. To this date, 359 kids have died of radiation poisoning

Students[edit]

most students at aspen high school are sober but there are a select few people who are not. not many people are hippies and do not drink and smoke in calsses because that is illegal.

Activities[edit]

Ex-Ed[edit]

Every spring the students have the opprotunity to travel accross the country in groups of about 20 for about a week. These trips are a remowned program at AHS and further the steriotype that all students are rich. However true this may be, EX ED is widely supported in AHS (with the exception of wannabe emos [who really have nothing to complain about because they live in Aspen]). Some of the trips include the notorious "Hollywood Hiatus" in which students travel to Los Angeles CA, and spend the week egging the houses of famous actors and actresses.

Sports[edit]

Despite the fact that Aspen is located in the middle of the Rocky Mountains, Aspen High School is renowned for having an exceptional sailing and windsurfing team. The only event that the AHS Ski Team participates in is the chinese downhill. The bobsledding team is also gaining support, after several Jamaicans were hired to overhaul the program. Traditional sports at AHS draw large crowds however most of the teams are fairly inept and are rarely successful. Recently, the Girls Varsity Volleyball team wen 0-19, marking the continuation of an era of perpetual disappointment.By far the most popular sport at AHS is Nausetball, named after the Arabic word meaning "Buttsex". Nausetball is a combination of european handball and cage fighting. Nausetball is the official sport of Aspen High School and has recently become a nationally recognized activity though it is not sanctioned by any authority other than the students themselves. The rules of Naussetball are somewhat vague and depend highly on the mood of the referee at the time of competition. Essentially, Naussetball is a combination of soccer, football, basketball, and underwater basketweaving. Several deaths have occured throughout Naussetball's existence; most of these occuring from overly competitive males who have a testosterone overload.