Aspirin

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“Uugh... Aspirin! Need aspirin...”

~ Oscar Wilde on a really bitchin' hangover

“I reccommend it to all my victims. Even the ones who die.”

~ Chuck Norris on Aspirin

“In Soviet Russia, aspirin uses headache to cure YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Aspirin

Aspirin is one the Medici Supremus most useful pills consumed by sentient beings. Known for its powers of mental rejuvenation and pain, aspirin has become a major economic factor in the world market. Aspirin grants the user a +3 bonus to agony checks, and is considered to be one of the greatest inventions of somebody.

Production and Distribution[edit]

Aspirin is harvested from pie, traditionally by a complex process involving poking around in the pie with one's hand to see if the baker put any aspirin in it. This makes aspirin harvesting dangerous and morally objectionable to many, so naturally the work is done by child laborers, who are always sticking their hands into food.

The aspirin is then packaged in cotton padding, plastic film, foil, a hard plastic case, cast iron bingings, a stainless steel combination lock, tamper-evident glass sheilding, a minimum of two (2) armed guards, a tank, and finally a voodoo charm against evil spirits is placed on the package.

The aspirin is then sold to the general public by one of the Three Awesome Aspirin-Givers (TAAGs): Pfizer, Pfoozer, and Pfeezer. This benevolent triforce of pharmecutical sentinals has resisted all attempts by Oprah Winfrey to bring them under her control, thanks to the architectural stability of triangles. Oprah still has to pay TAAG prices for her massive aspirin consumption.

Uses and Consumption[edit]

Aspirin is used in the treatment of headaches, fevers, heart attacks, menopause, depression, and erectile dysfunction. Direct inhalation through the nose is the most common means of consumption, although more enlightened users have acheived far superior results by using aspirin as an incense and as an ointment applied to the eyeballs.

Pioneering doctors Oscar Wilde and Charles Darwin are known to have attempted consuming aspirin as a pill, but Wilde died on a boat cruise around the world with Darwin, who was so distressed that he wrote a whole book about something completely different to take his mind off the subject. Aspirin in pill form is still expirimental, and was declared heresy by the Church of Kansas Education in the Year of Their Lord 996 A.C.

History and Facts[edit]

Rumors stating aspirin's association with socialist agendas have become so pervasive that an investigation was warranted by the TAAGs in 1953, which revealed that the rumors had been started by Oprah as a subterfuge tactic. Mispelling the the word "subterfuge" has since been added to the list of things cured by aspirin.