Assachu

 #233254 - Assachu Evolves to Fookachu Generation Twenty-second Species Fat Ass Height 1 ft 3 in Weight 238 lbs Ability Sit on you

“What the flying shit? And I thought it got ridiculous after the 386th Pokémon…”

~ Oscar Wilde on Assachu

Creation

Assachu, the 233254th Pokemon, was created in Professor Viburnum's basement. While trying to create edible hunchbacks in a laboratory, Viburnum operated upon two Pickachi (plural of Pikachu) enduring the strenuous activity of pikachintercourse. The female Pikachu proceeded to be absorbed into the male's rear end. She then went through the painful process of transhunchimutation, turning into a large lump weighing approxamitely 150 pounds. The buldge, in question, proceeded to expand, faster than Bill Gates expands his electronic empire. Professor Viburnum named the new being "Assachu" and caught it in a pokeball. Unfortunately, the density of the Assachu caused the ball to gain weight at a miraculous rate, falling upon Viburnum's thyroid which led to his ultimate death.

Behaviour

The Assachu is a wild being, smashing everything in its path. It will scamper to wherever there are other Pikachu and try to bang them. Although the affected Pikachu is almost definitely smashed to death, Assachu rampages on from city to city, forest to forest looking for the perfect mate that will not be crushed under its immense weight. Since creation, the Assachu has recently attempted to woo humans, male and female alike. Due to its odd behaviour, the "assachasticometer" has been created to act as a warning throughout the Kanto, Johto, Photo, Red, and Razmataaz regions (five out of the seventy four regions) of the Pokemon world.

Assachusticometer

Level of Danger
0 - There is absolutely no chance of an Assachu attack.
1 - There is a slight chance of attack, and will probably be moved up.
2 - There is a definite chance of attack, you might want to start loading your shotgun.
3 - There has been an Assachu sighting within a 10000 mile radius.
3.14 - Proceed to the nearest shelter and eat pie.
4 - This rating does not exist.
5 - Zombies are attacking the city.
6 - Assachu is actually right behind you with that hott look in his eyes....
7 - ASSACHU'S CHARGIN' HIS LAZER! SHOOP DA WHOOP!
∞ - It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Formula

A formula has been....formulated to determine the rate of speed at which the Assachu's buldge grows where f(x) is the exponential growth of the buldge, p and q are factorials of w, u is equivalent to the diameter of the buldge and d represents the diameter of the buldge after sixty seconds, m is variable for the surface area of the left buttock and r is variable for the surface area of the right buttock, where both a and b represent corresponding differences of the mass of either buttock where a is always greater than or equal to zero and b is always less than zero, and where n is equivalent to the calorie intake (measured in kilocalories) within the last eighty-seven minutes.

${\displaystyle f(x)=\sin \left(\int _{p}^{q}{\frac {-w^{2}\pm {\sqrt {u^{w}}}-\pi ^{\pi -i}}{d}}+\sum _{m=1}^{\infty }{\frac {w^{m}-3rm+83.2}{m^{2+r}-m^{2-r}}}-{\frac {a_{1}^{b_{1},\cdots ,b_{n}},\cdots ,a_{n}^{b_{1},\cdots ,b_{n}}}{\pi ^{a_{1}}-\pi ^{b_{1}}}}dx\right)}$