Assectomy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

[edit] Assectomy

A now common procedure that was once fraught with danger. In the middle ages, the assectomy was perfomed on Edward III with a red hot poker. The procedure was designed to deflate his highly inflamed ass but was too sucessful, deflating him entirely, as by that stage his hass had grown so large that it had invaded 60% of his body. Modern developments in assectomy stem from French medical experiments during the First World War. After the use of poison gas, some of the soldiers used to deliver the gas suffered catastrophic damage to thier delivery systems, resulting in the need to amputate many asses.

Doctors in the Lyon Institute for Proctological, Gynacalogical and Surgical Research in Kent performed the first assectomy with a double pirouette and blindfolded handstand in 1972 but in 1974 an attempt to perform an assectomy while singing Wagner's Ring Cycle in four part harmoy resulted in tragedy. For details see Berlin Bum Disaster- When the cracks start to show

Ass transplants are now beingperfected by Hollywood surgeons. Providing test-tube grown "stunt asses" for prison movies. Jennifer Lopez' backside, for example, was provided by an Orange County based company and originally grown on a tramp who makes a precarious living working as an "ass-farmer" for rich celebrities. Asses are also being manufactured by the US Army to give the American GI an actual ass to kick during basic training, strengthening his resolve for the long, dark days ahead.

Assectomy is illigal in Denmark and punishable by death in Latvia under the Ordinances of the City of Riga after three hunder burghers were accidentally assectomied instead of receiving civil honours in 1512.