“In my circles, the phrase carried quite different connotations”
Assholes Anonymous is an informal self-help society, composed primarily of recovered and recovering assholes, that is dedicated to combating assholism (a.k.a Asshole Personality Disorder) worldwide. The organization currently has about 3,500,000 members in the US and 2,500,000 abroad. The primary goal of members is “to stop being total assholes and to help others to also stop being total assholes.” If the first thought upon reading that goal was “that is so redundant and anyone who is not a total idiot could figure out the goal of the organization from the title,” then you are clearly an asshole and you need to join AA immediately.
Assholes Anonymous was founded in 1985 as a result of the increasing damage of workplace assholism to office morale and productivity. Its founders were two of the biggest assholes around, namely Bill Lumbergh and the Pointy-Haired-Boss guy from “Dilbert.” A common belief was that Michael Bolton was also a founding member, but this myth has been discredited by the historical documentary Office Space 2, which discussed the foundation of the organization following the destruction of Lumbergh’s office by arson. The movie explicitly states that Bolton himself was not even an asshole, but rather an assclown. Michael Bolton himself said it, so it must be true. Anyway, the organization was founded when Lumbergh realized he was an asshole after his employees burned down his office and stole his crack. He then convinced Pointy-Haired-Boss guy to join him in changing his asshole ways and helping others to do the same.
The Eight-Fold Plan
The Eight-Fold Plan of asshole treatment is the foundation of the Assholes Anonymous program of anti-assholism. It originated as the Two-Step Plan, with the following steps: 1. Admit that you are an asshole. 2. Stop being an asshole. Since Lumbergh and Pointy-Haired-Boss guy were themselves assholes, their initial methodology ignored the difficulty of recovery from assholism. They thought that any stupid asshole could do it, but seriously overestimated their own powers of change (because they were assholes and subconsciously each thought he pretty much the greatest thing alive). After a week of unsuccessful attempts to shed their asshole behavior, the two realized that the Two-Step Plan was too difficult, and a plan that showed more sympathy and care for assholes, a plan that respected their dignity but understood the enlarged size of their egos, was needed. However, being assholes, they did not know how to develop a plan with either sympathy or understanding. To counter this, they both got totally stoned, which allowed them to lighten up just enough to actually create a working plan for success. Though originally intended to become the twelve-step plan, somewhere amidst the haze of pot smoke and philosophical texts some Buddhism got thrown in, resulting in the Eight-Fold Plan
The resulting Eight-Fold Plan was a success, and within two months both founders had limited their assholism by over 90%, allowing both men to have normal lives after years of painful social exclusion, by following these basic guidelines:
- Understanding - the realization that one has the wretched disease of assholism and that it is filling your life with utter misery and possibly giving you testicular cancer.
- Intention – the desire to cast aside assholism and reintegrate oneself into society. Unfortunately for the rest of us, most assholes enjoy being assholes and wish to remain that way.
- Speech – the ability to not make asshole remarks, like this one: “You’re a stupid asshole! You suck at life and will never get anywhere, you fucktard.” Saying shit like that is a good way to stay an asshole your whole pathetic life.
- Action – the ability to not do asshole things, like blowing cigarette smoke in people’s faces or committing murder or just generally being a douchebag.
- Livelihood – not having an asshole occupation, like poaching baby seals or professional sports or being a congressman.
- Effort – working to abstain from assholism in even the most trying times, such as when you’re on a plane with a crying baby or some guy behind you is talking on a cell phone at the movie theater, and you want to say something obnoxious, but you just can’t. If you did, you would be an asshole.
- Attitude – developing an attitude that naturally discourages assholism. Nearly impossible, because way down deep inside of all of us there’s a tiny little asshole just trying to get out, just wanting to make some damn obnoxious remark. Right now, for instance, your inner asshole wants to remark that this article is crap. Fight it. Resist. For the love of God don’t give in to it. Screw it. Be an asshole. No one gives a damn anyway. If you actually think anyone is paying attention to you, then you’ve got a huge ego, possibly approaching that of Donald Trump, and you are even more of an asshole than even I or anyone else thought.
- Concentration – the discipline and will power to quit assholism for good. You can’t do it, so you might as well just give up, curl into a ball, and die as the asshole you are
- 1985 – Assholes Anonymous founded by Lumbergh and Pointy-Haired-Boss guy. No one notices for a couple months.
- 1986 – 1,000 members. The founders declare themselves recovered.
- 1989 – 10,000 members, 2753 recovered assholes. The organization receives nationwide attention when an article on the war against workplace assholes is written in Newsminute
- 1999 – assholemeter introduced by MIT, allowing asshole percentage to be determined
- 2005 – AA’s 1,000,000th member cured. AA holds a kick ass party to celebrate. Assholes everywhere are invited, but choose not to go because, well, because they are assholes and they all thought the party would be lame.
- 2006 – Scientists estimate world asshole rate at 0.68, meaning the world contains nearly 4.5 billion assholes. AA announces its desire to have 50 million members by 2020. People around the world proclaim that they are not assholes. But they actually are, and so are you.
Critics have accused Assholes Anonymous of failure to convert enough assholes to proper behavior. Some scientists believe that assholism has a genetic origin and is theoretically uncurable except by extensive gene therapy or long, painful mob beatings. Alternatively, many people have suggested that assholes be put to death simply to decrease the misery of everyone else. However, People for the Ethical Treatment of Assholes and other humanitarian groups have decried such proposals of an assholocaust and denounced proponents as anti-assholeites. Assholes Anonymous has argued that they have successfully converted over a million assholes into normal, productive, and no longer obnoxious members of society. However, it has been alleged that the program does little to actually change attitudes, and that “converted members” are in fact only hiding the outward manifestation of the assholism that still lies deep inside them. AA has tried to welcome its critics as assholes in need of help, but has been rebuffed by all but a few of them.
In 1999, scientologists at MIT developed a test, commonly called the assholemeter, which measures the percentage of a person’s attitude that suffers from Asshole Personality Disorder. A suspected asshole takes the AAT (asshole assessment test), which consists of written and oral responses as well as monitored reactions to several stimuli intended to arouse sympathy or anger, or childish, nonsensical rants in the style of Bill O’Reilly. The results are then analyzed and the person’s asshole percentage is calculated. Scientific speculation has calculated that it is impossible be less than a 1% asshole, and that with the exception of O’Reilly, who rates at as an astounding 100% asshole, thanks to the O’Reilly Factor, which multiplies his asshole rating times 1.2, that the maximum level of assholism is approximately 90%. Scientologists also believe the average American asshole rate is approximately 21%. That is, 1/5 of everything you say or do will be something that will make others think of you as an asshole. Sorry, but it’s true, asshole.
Famous AA Members
Famous Recovered Assholes (AA members with under a 10% asshole rating)
- Bill Lumbergh (AA co-founder, 6% asshole)
- Pointy-Haired Boss guy (AA co-founder, 5% asshole)
- Art Shidemantle Sergeant New Brighton Police (20% asshole)
- Bill Gates (8% asshole)
- The Miraculous Congressman (9% asshole)
Famous Recovering Assholes (AA members with under a 50% asshole rating)
- John Kerry (17% asshole)
- You (21%)
- Mel Gibson (31% asshole)
- Darth Vader (33% asshole – down from personal high of 89% when he destroyed that one planet)
- Kobe Bryant (37% asshole)
- Barry Bonds (43% asshole)
- 2007 San Antonio Spurs (49% assholes - it takes a special kind of asshole to play like dirty, cheating whores all the way through the NBA finals)
Famous Uncurable Assholes (more than 50% asshole rating)
- George Bush (72% asshole – it seems like it should be higher, but much of what Bush does is not because he’s an asshole, but rather because he’s an idiot)
- Donald Trump (75% Trumphole rating – yes, he had to name that after himself, too)
- Karl Rove (82% asshole)
- Montgomery Burns (83% asshole)
- Dick Cheney (85% asshole – briefly spiked after drunken shooting incident to near 90%)
- John Edwards (90% asshole - he's a trial lawyer, which is pretty close to perfect asshole)
- Ann Coulter – a.k.a. the bitchiest woman on the planet (90% asshole)
- Bill O’Reilly (100% asshole – The granddaddy of them all. None can compare with this psychopathic mastermind of pure evil. He doesn’t do crack and kill babies. He simply smokes ground up baby bones instead of cocaine (but not Republican babies, of course.)
Note: many of the truly big assholes of the world have yet to take the asshole test, or never did. It is possible that Osama, Saddam, Hitler, Stalin, Emperor Palpatine, or many other assholes throughout history would have also scored 100% asshole or close to it, or might have somehow gotten extra credit by writing offensive statements in the test margins. For instance, Osama’s signature line “Death to America” would be sure to garner extra points and might conceivably allow him to break the 100% asshole barrier, making him some sort of extraordinary super-asshole, or something worse.
If you actually read this entire article, than you are probably an asshole. Please get medical attention immediately, then join the AA.
Remember: The only perfect people are perfect assholes.