Astérix
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“Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Astérix
Early drawing of Astérix, before acquisiton by Disney Studios.
Astérix (aka Asterix the Gaul) is a national hero in France. He was a football player in the well-known team "La Resistance". Because of him La Resistance scored important victories against the Italian national team led by Caesar and against the Belgian team led by Tintin. He played together with his friend Obélix against a team of Native Americans to save the life of his mentor and close friend Getafix. He took advantage of this occasion to be one of the first discoverers of America.
Astérix had to retire early in his carreer as a football player being suspected of doping. Later researches proved the fact the doping substance was provided by Getafix. Even later research proved that fact that Getafix did it because a bigger boy told him to. After his retirement, Asterix played in many films and comic strips together with Obélix and Getafix.
Asterix died at an age of 35 of an overdose of the forbidden substances he had been addicted to for years. He also had cancer. However, the comic strips were such a huge success that Astérix' manager, a man named Albert Üdërzö, decided to replace him with a custom made Japanese humanoid robot. Rumour has it that actual parts of Astérix' dead body were used to construct the robot, though this has never been confirmed for obvious reasons.
Distinctive accessory: a helmet with wings.
Contents |
[edit] He is not
- A man
- Made of Gas
- A member of the Labour party
- A Cadbury's Creme Egg
- A man
[edit] Obélix
Obélix was the first world champion in all arts of fighting. As a kid he almost drowned in a barrel of energy drink invented by Miracolix. He organized and won the Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia contests. Later in his life he started a quarry business called "Obélix' Fine Menhirs" and sold his stone sculptures all over the world for ridiculous amounts of money. He now lives on a small island not far from the French coast together with around a dozen women and a population of about 20,000 wild boars.
[edit] Getafix
Getafix is the inventor of a well known energy drink that "gives you wings". His good friend Astérix helped promoting the drink by always wearing a winged helmet when he was playing football. In 1985 Getafix was sued by Obélix for runining his life by almost drowning him in a kettle of the energy drink when he was still a child. The dispute was later settled out of court. Rumor has it that Obelix was payed millions of dollars which he put into his quarry business, but some people say he was replaced by a humanoid robot like Asterix was.
[edit] Idofix
Is the famous zebra fish always accompanying Obélix. He was given to Obelix by his father when he was a child. Idofix hates trees - that's why Obélix burned down all the forests on his private island. He is the world's first canine uncologist and howls in despair when he sees a plant.
[edit] Posix
Lesser known is the open source project that is also known as Astérix. This brand new idea in computer operating system is a product of thousands of semi-retarded monkeys being stuck in a room with four computers. The project is renowned for the complete departure from useful computing. The paradigm is: "why not not compute with computers, use your appendages and fling stuff." Thus far, it is only in alpha stage testing at your mom's house.
[edit] Appendix
Appendix was background character in the books who no one could figure out what he was for. He was later removed after suffering a rather nasty infection.
[edit] Postfix
The most widely used of all the Gauls is postfix. The title of Gaul is, in this case, a misnomer as Postfix is Polish in origin. There is a widely held notion between Gauls that 2 + 2 = 4, Postfix disagrees strongly with this and believes that 4 is equal to 2 2 +.
[edit] Jetix
This worldwide channel is most well known for kicking the Teletubbies out of its Spanish affiliate in 2004. This caused Thomas Wimmer to sue Jetix for killing its Portuguese affilate in 2004, which was known to broadcast Hamtaro 24/7.
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