Astro Empires

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FACTS DETECTED

Stfo w/ ya book readin wordz hatah!


“I've rarely encountered so many jackasses in one place. It's often difficult just to contain my contempt enough not to get banned.”

~ Echostorm on Astro Empires


“They build stellar empires consisting of several planets and fleets”

~ Captain Obvious on Astro Empires


“FOR HONOOOOOOOOO(u)RRRRR!!!”

~ An average AE player posting an e-War declaration on their enemy


“He misspelled Portuguese right after the "non English coherent".”

~ Xaman on uncyclopedia


“Congrats, you just wasted a whole year of your life.”

~ silverspeak on an Astro Empires player that has been playing for 365 days


“Woogoat is the man. GOONion won the internet.".”

~ Gihren on Astro Empires


Astro Empires is an MMOG (Massively Moronic Online Gayness Game). It's run by a bunch of non English coherent Portuguese guys who rarely make any useful additions to the game at all. On the game, you assume the role of Home Planet, a megalomaniac youngling product of Janet Reno and a duck, your mission is to build text-based structures and watch the increasingly slower timers and do nothing else in your life. The average player is either a skinny 13 year old who has never been outside of their basement or a 40 year old who has never been outside of their basement. Both are considered to carry a high dose of what's known as e-Hono(u)r. The thing both of these types of players have in common is that they think they are are both descendants of Leonidas. Many outsiders would qualify the average AE player as a fagot on it's most pure expression.

Contents

[edit] Aim

The aim of the game is rather simple: bitch on the forums a lot as you "build" your e-armada composed of text ships. If you bitch and whine on the forums enough, you will become nothing popular on what the AE players define as the internet, which consists of no more than 10 sites outside the AE main page. You will also receive reputation points from other basement dwellers. Eventually, enough drama will happen that attention whores (most famously jopari, lord mike, penguin14, Fura, and fishiminous) will threaten to become heroes, resulting in lulz.


[edit] Politics

[edit] Main conception on AE politics

The entire basis of the politics of astro empires is to be a fagot and troll every single thread on the forum (see: EVILSTARWOLF and spoon.05). Eventually if you bitch and troll enough, you will be accepted and politically dominate the game. The entire point of the forum remains posting as much as you can about how everybody besides you is a whiner and just lost the game. You must also state you honorably fight using your text fleets" . Occasionally, wars will happen which will ersult in much whining and internet drama, as well as many internet tough guys (see: EVILSTARWOLF and jopari) coming out of the woodwork who will "fuck u up".

[edit] Alternative approaches on AE politics

See conspiracy , Palpatine, GOON, Poitin

[edit] Diplomacy

“You actually research honour, honour and honour , flamming, and well...diplomacy instead of computer...one level of diplomacy allows you to have an extra pact. With time you'll have pacts with every single guild on the server and you'll win the game!!!!”

~ Lord Araujo on diplomacy and research levels.


Diplomacy is the art of gaining pacts for your guild seeking mutual protection or truces with other guilds. To get pacts with other guilds, you must first research one diplomacy level per pact. You are considered to be a good diplomat if you manage to make peace with 'all' guilds on the server of this war game. Remember: it is a war game, you are supposed to turn it into a even more boring peace game, only then you will be considered as the best diplomat ever.


A guild leader generously offering a MDP to another, smaller guild..

Players on the server Beta actually manage to get a decent level of peace with only the casual server-wide war to satisfy the e-bloodthirst of the players to avoid mass resignation from the game and keep the money going to the mods and devs. It's all a conspiracy led by Poitin and Count Spartan who are actually the same person.

Usually you become a recognized leader if you declare war on the smaller guilds only. This is a most honourable action and is prized dearly in the AE universe: rush the newbies out of the game, that's a true e-warrior's way. In addition you are free to troll others as you crush their fleets to maximize the sexual satisfaction at the destruction of your enemy, see Crapek.

[edit] Guilds

“Guild is an guild, player in the game is player”

~ Fathinking.


Guilds are groups of similarly minded English illiterates. Their leader is the best forum troll among them, who is worshiped as a god, (see: Gigapouts)

A diagram made to try to explain F.A. Thinking's approach on this set of social groups called guilds

A few Astro Empires guilds


OF_BORG

Guild tag: [BORG]

Guild Master: Bosk

Members: 29

OF_BORG/borg or just "the love guild" as they are known as in the astro universe are a group of unbeleivably nice people who are dedicated to the peace of the astro universe. They constantly spread goodness around them and never hurts a fly. Their leader, Bosk is perhaps the nicest soul in the whole world and everyone that talks to him automaticly becomes care bears. Their way of bringing their love to the world is simply sending their love-fleets to weaker players bases, shoot love at their defences and then occupying, or love-infusing, them.


MORDOR

Guild tag: [«o»]

Guild Master: Paestero

Members: Hundreds

Mordor's motto is "If you cant stand alone you REALLY should get a weelchair". they just swarm over everyone, offering weelchairs and other kinds of assistance to smaller players who, by their definition "cant stand alone".

[edit] War

War in Astro Empires is all about whoever can overwhelm their opponent with fagotry, lame text fleets, e- Honour and internet tough gayism guyism the best. If one foe is defeated, their skills as a faggot will make them world laughed at renowned, which will make lesser faggots plot against them and seek to repeat the process. Astro Empires' system is fueled by nothing but fagotry.

You get experience points for each battle fought. You also get the opportunity to collect the debris (or "pie" , as the hopeless inferior beings AE players likes to call it) and you can occupy the enemy base, pillaging it, plundering the trade routes and further humiliating the enemy by laughing at his futile threats of revenge.

Getting involved in a war is really easy: as soon as you say something that can be considered as either constructive criticism or mockery, they run preparing for war , usually crying asking everybody else about making a coalition against you.

[edit] Peace

Peace is a period for occupying newbies and small guild's bases for profit of cheating between two periods of fighting, as according to Oscar Wilde. You also get to stare at the timers in your screen for several months, you have to make sure everything is queued up and you don't get "occed"

[edit] Technology

Astro Empires has a rich tech structure which is comparable to other, similar games. You can research new combos, like Troll level 10, Fagot Ray 5, e-Honour, Honour, Honour, Honour, Honour, Honour, Honour and Pokemon.


How do the ships move in Astroempires? We have all heard of Warpdrive and Stellardrive, but I'm sure no one has ever heard of...Pixie Drive!

-Why is it that when you recall a fleet leaving from a JG planet, that they still retain the JG speed boost? That just doesn't make sense.

-Because magical pixies are pushing their engines!

-If that were the case, we'd just strap slave pixies to the backs of our ships.

-You see thy magical pixie only works when thy ship is in movement. Once thy ship stops thy magical pixie vanishes

-That makes even less sense.


Astro Empires is a very serious game.


[edit] IRC

AE has its own IRC channel (astroempires on irc.esper.net, the official server of furies) ran by an incredible homosexual named ALdbeign and his troupe of gay furry douchebags. Hours of entertainment can be had by insulting their persona or say fuck as you watch the 13 year olds explode in impotent internet rage.

[edit] Upgrade Account

You can also pay REAL money for an "upgraded" (i.e. not crippled) account. This money is used to buy large amounts of cocaine in Portugal which is mostly consumed by the game devs, the rest is to be then exported to all European and English consumers.

[edit] Trash Talk

“i be doing that all day... i don't even read it... i just write phail”

~ penguin14 on Trash Talk

“you guys are idiots.”

~ [Prep] Vendetta on Trash Talk

“In memory of Actimel ”

~ some TTer on moderators who ate Actimel

In their quest to dominate the market for multiple ways of worthlessly wasting time, the morons developers of AE added a Trash Talk section in the Forums. This has served as a place to gather the lamest sad attempts of being something meaningful in life an interesting group of persons whose goal is to "post" things that are to be considered "win". Actually there is an attempt to further study this bastion of idiocy social mass phenomena.

[edit] Fair Moderation

“OK this thread totally has everything to do with Beta P&W now.........not.

Locked.”

~ Fura on any topic (s)he doesn't like this post for being against AE forum rules.


“I stayed for Fura banning someone for "spamming" on page two (even though he was on topic) just because she didn't recognize that he was quoting famous literature. lol”

~ Octosphere on Fura's illiteracy


“You can rely on the moderators to ensure a safe gaming experience, Xaman, for example, can ban you at any time for whatever the hell he feels like banning you for...”

~ Rabid Parrots on Xaman


“My IQ is higher then average and I'm still posting in TT. So, what's your point?”

~ Musician on behalf of his equally illiterate boyfriend Thrax

The forums comes with a biased set of moderators. Their goal is to prevent GOON and friends from flaming back so the rest can safely enjoy the flamefest and insult the rest. The moderators then buys the silence of the trollers by giving them medals. You can get up to two yellow medals before getting a shiny sapphire medal and a ban. The duration of the ban depends on several factors; if you happen not to be on the moderator's favorite list then you can get banned for 3 months for an off-topic comment, on the other side if you're one of their minions then you can flame all you want and you will only be banned for 30 seconds. This was made to stimulate a friendly behavior towards the moderation team. We all love them or else...

A moderator by the name of Flute banned an innocent poster (flame1396) for making a post consisting of "pwned" with the reason: "posts must be in English"... It was a 10 day ban yet the moderators in the Astro Empires forums insist they are unbiased. By the way, flame1396 is not writing this, as if he had wrote this, it would be posted in the Astro Empires forums (where he was promptly given another, more deserved, ban after Fura's ran out).

[edit] List of Known/famous Astro Empires Players

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